Casa de Camden

Greetings from Vietnam

2011-11-30T11:23:00.006-05:00

Well, as the Brits say, I should look smashing in my dress at the Holiday Party because I've hardly eaten a thing this week ... don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed locus flower salad, pickled jellyfish, Chinese ribs, coconut soup ... but what I really want is a bowl of chili or a slab of pizza. I've been too busy to be homesick and can't say enough about Facetime with the girls and Jeff.

The country of Vietnam is amazing. It really makes me appreciate all of the modern conveniences. We took 120 university and growers from 26 different countries into the Mekong Delta today to look at rice and corn plots. We also witnessed a seed treating competition, by hand, that was nationally televised with more than 15 television crews on site. We had a major road bump when our bus drivers refused to go across the small bridges and we needed to be shuttled back and forth about 3K. It wouldn't have been so bad if the traffic -- majority mopeds and bikes -- wasn't so crazy out of control and the temperatures were crazy, crazy hot. I thought I knew hot from standing in LA rice fields but this was miserable. I know I must have looked steamed and miserable when the local that we hired to handle/coordinate the buses handed me a dozen roses before we headed back into town. If we could have got the bus to stop, I would have fed them to the cows along the road. I saw women leading a single cow on a rope down the highway to grass on more than one occassion.

I've also seen water buffalo, numerous family burial plots, floating homes/old barges and amazing feats of balance as the Vietnamese manage to transport everything via scooter. As we waited on the buses, which was apparently partly my responsibility, we found this woman picking cocnuts by her home. Totally throwing away all common sense, when the man from India used a sheath to cut me a hole ... I drank coconut milk. You can see it in his hand that the coconut here is smooth skinned and apparently the flesh is brown. I should have asked him to cut it in half. I had about 1/4 cup before I realized that I have broken every rule that has been given to me ... regardless, I feel fine so far and it was totally worth it! Across the road were these rice fields and this is just one of the hundreds of families that I captured as we waited on our shuttles. It's ironic, in many cases, the adults will wear helmets but the children will not. And, they often have two adults riding with small, young children nestled between them. I'm tempted to find a way to go for a ride (yes, honey, I'm getting braver).

Tomorrow we have another day of meetings and on Friday, I'm on my own. While the idea of a Vietnamese spa entices me, I'm leaning toward an organized tour into the Mekong Delta to see the sights and I suppose I should try out my keen negotiation skills. I recently polished those on luggage at the Junior League Spree and the local market is world reknown for haggling. I understand I can get a Rolex for $10!

And, for those of you who were wondering, yes ... there is a small Christian population and they do celebrate Christmas. Apparently many people celebrate Christmas and stores have started decorating. I heard some steel drummer playing Christmas music near the hotel lobby this afternoon and am hopeful to find the drummer tomorrow afternoon to get his photo. Since our trip to Disney several years ago, steel drum Christmas music makes me happy.

(Sorry for the spelling errors ... somehow it marks nearly every word as wrong tonight and I don't have the energy to figure it all out ...)

Seoul, Korea

2011-11-26T04:11:00.002-05:00

I survived a 15 hour plane ride and am struggling to figure out how to change my watch or clock to military time. Thus, I am stalking the gate agent to make sure I don't miss my flight to Ho Chi Minh (formerly known as Saigon).

Ironically, the terminal here is well stocked with familiar US brands -- Caribou Coffee, Smoothie King, Subway and more. There are dozens of makeup and perfume counters but the signage for the flight departures is slightly tougher to read/make out.

I tried to sleep on the plane although it wasn't as easy as I would have liked. My big splurge for the trip were noise cancellation headphones. I can't say enough about them. Since I was in row 54 toward the very, very back of the plane -- they blocked out all the engine noise and made it a nearly peaceful ride. If they could just add padding to these seats.

And, en route, I've been studying my repsonsibilies for the next few days. I have very big shoes to fill and I think all of the attention to detail will pay off but I'm still a little nervous.

Black Friday ... One for the Record Books

2011-11-25T07:23:00.004-05:00

Good Morning. And, Merry Christmas! (It's slightly after Thanksgiving ...) This morning the family dropped me at the airport at 7:00 a.m. (It's remarkably empty.) And, from here I will begin my journey to Vietnam. It will take three flights and approx. 23 hours in the air. Needless to say, I have a fair amount of angst tumbling around inside me. I've tried praying and redirecting but I'm nervous.

Over the last few months, I've been trying to figure out "what I want to be when I grow up" and while I still don't have the answers (I'm not leaving my agency -- just refining some roles and transitioning things as part of career growth), I wanted more international opportunities so I should be thrilled (and I am). But, I'm very nervous as well.

Grace had a minor anxiety attack on our way back from Williamsburg last night and I'm certain that it's connected to my leaving the country. I wanted to join her but figured that really wouldn't help anyone out -- especially Jeff. Jeff has been amazing. He helped get me doctors appointments for shots (I finally got them in DC where he and my aunt got me an appointment) and picked up prescriptions, he has researched and studied and helped me prepare all the way until this morning when he delivered me to the airport. I will miss his sense of calm over the coming 8 days. And, while Rose has been very stoic -- I noticed a lot more hand holding yesterday and some "cuddle time" before we left the hotel.

Why am I going? I'm going to oversee the logistics for a meeting for about 100 people. I love this type of responsibility and the thrill of making a plan come together. It's not really my plan as I'm stepping in with just about 10 days notice for a colleague who suddenly can't travel. She has done an amazing job and her attention to detial has been remarkable. Regardless, my biggest angst is the translations and currency exchange. Otherwise, I'm excited to be asked to lead this. If I can just get over the urge to throw up everytime I think about it ... I'll be fine. And, I just realized that I forgot my last typhoid fever pill at home this morning ... not much I can do about it now ...

Today, I'll miss the Black Friday sales (although I rarely go but love to watch they hype) and I think this week the family will put up our Christmas tree which I will really miss that and the carols. And, I feel like a Scrooge but I'll also miss out on the girls piano recital next weekend -- third time in a row for work -- amazing.

It's been nearly a year since I last wrote here and I've missed the outlet to share my feelings and concerns, celebrations and angst so I figured over the next few days that I'd journal my experiences.

If you're reading this and see my family this week, please give them an extra hug or squeeze. They are in excellent hands and Jeff really runs the house without me most of the time but I'll miss touching base regularly (I'll be 12 hours ahead of them).

And, I'd appreciate any prayers you can offer. Prayers for peace and patience, energy and strength and of course, good health.

Happy Black Friday.

Putting Jesus back in Christmas

2010-12-20T21:42:00.002-05:00

It's been several months since my last post and we've been busy with school, work and the holidays. I've been trying to minimize my computer time at home. Tonight, I'm camped out in a stale hotel room in New York City trying to take a few minutes before the holiday hits in full force later this week. My parents are coming to town and I'm thrilled to be hosting them! This is the 2nd or 3rd year that we've been in our own home and we're still working on building some of our own traditions. It's one of the perks of parenthood!

Throughout the holidays this year, our girls have challenged us to put more of Jesus back into Christmas. It's just a few days away and I'm still struggling for things we can do throughout Christmas day to re enforce the reason for the season.

We've filled shoe boxes and shipped them off, we've collected gloves, mittens, hats and coats and delivered them. We've instilled in the girls the importance of giving money to various charities and we have completed the top of a quilt to give to someone who is homeless. (Grace actually wants to give it to a man that she sees regularly on the corner after school.)

So, I've "borrowed" the idea of telling the Christmas story from a point of view of a specific character on Christmas morning. The assignments have been made ... Rose wants to tell the story as if she were a sheep, Grace choose baby Jesus and I'm torn between either an angel or Mary. Jeff hasn't decided and I've warned my parents that they'll need to participate! I hope one of them takes the vantage point of the wise men. The idea is that we'll each tell what we think the nativity might have been like from our point-of-view. I figure we'll also spend time reading Luke 2:1-20 to make sure we capture that first ... but I'm curious ... do you have ideas? Do you have family traditions that you can share?

As a kid, I grew up traveling a lot over the holidays and I don't think we have a lot of traditions ... other than AWESOME food that my mother makes. We also usually went to midnight mass which is still special to me, and to Jeff as well. I don't think we'll spend every family at home so I'm looking for traditions that we can "take on the road." So, I'm asking ... what is a tradition? And, how can we make sure that it has impact for the girls?

The new autumn color -- Pink

2010-10-22T22:51:00.006-04:00

I've never been particularly fond of pink. I'm more of a red person. Frankly, it bothers me that all the lovely autumn colors like green, orange and red are being relegated to the back of the closet to celebrate "Pink" month. Don't get me wrong, I'm very appreciative of all the efforts to raise awareness and fund raising for breast cancer research ... That research and awareness probably saved my life and definitely made the treatment easier through all the research funded by Komen and American Cancer Society. What has surprised me is that it has been such a reminder of last year. Some days it feels like it's hitting me all over again. It certainly doesn't help that I have had so many friends and acquanitences be diagnosed recently.

I'm reading Promise Me by Nancy Brinker. It's the history of the Komen foundation and while I'm only halfway through it, I have found it to be a love story. It's the story of two sisters who loved each other fiercely and a family that worked very hard to make healthcare better and easier for everyone. The book is a good balance between the history of cancer and the foundation, blended with family stories about Susan and Nancy growing up. Other than the obvious chapter about Susan succumbing to the disease, the other chapter that gave me pause was the history of the mastectomy and painstaking detail of what that was like before modern medicine, especially pain medicine! I can't imagine what our ancestors went through. I'm shocked anyone survived that.

So, I've been a little emotional. Overall, I'm fine. Probably even better than fine. I went in for my calcium shot last week and got a clean bill of health. I'm running nearly 20 miles a week and have full range of motion in my arm. There is not much I can complain about. (Yet, I still have a long list of complaints.)

The girls love school and are both thriving. Tonight they are with Jeff at a Y-Princess camp out with their tribe called Blazing Saddles. The weatherman forecast a low of 37 tonight and Jeff was hacking and wheezing before he ever left home. Bouncing Bunny (Grace) and Twisted Vine (Rose) were so excited that Hunting Wolf (Jeff) couldn't let them down. So he took them. I recommended they come home to sleep (they are only about 10 miles from the house) but they would have none of it. So, while they enjoy sleeping on the ground under a beautiful harvest moon ... I am tucked snuggly in our bed with the electric blanket on me and a fat cat curled at my feet. What am I doing without them? Thus far, I've had the luxury of shopping at the Junior League Shopping Spree and an Italian dinner with a girlfriend. I'm planning to run at least 8 miles in the morning. Life is good. This is the best camp out EVER ... okay, I was actually jealous when I heard about hashbrowns and bacon for breakfast although I do like having the entire bed to myself!

I've missed blogging but have struggled with what is interesting and appropriate to post. I hope to get back to it this fall in between training for a half marathon, finishing up a couple quilts, getting ready for the girls birthday and the holidays, a vacation to the Smokies, work for a school board that I'm on, my role at church and of course ... my job. I am ready for the holidays to refresh and take some time off.

When you look into your closet tomorrow ... embrace Pink for the women in your life. We can wear red in November!

One Year Anniversary

2010-08-31T21:05:00.002-04:00

Rose told me at dinner tonight that she had her first grade class (private school)praise God today because I'm a survivor. She must have heard Jeff and I talking that indeed, today is the one year anniversary of my surgery. She told me she was really glad that I'm a survivor. It surprised me that she even thinks about it since I feel like we've moved on and seldom mention it. We jokingly celebrated with chicken pot pie from Asbury United Methodist Church and a very over-zealous schedule of ballet, soccer and Y Princesses.

The house is quiet now and it's given me a few minutes to reflect on the last few months when we've gone at full speed seldom slowing down to rest. I just passed all my exams, mammogram, chest x-ray, bloodwork, etc. and there is "no evidence of disease". Yet when Rose brings my cancer up out of the blue I have to think there is actually still evidence of disease. Cancer definitely changed me. There is evidence, beyond the physical scars, that cancer permeated my family. We're a little closer as a family, I have much stronger friendships than I did prior to cancer, I'm not shy about telling people how much I appreciate them and I have a lot more empathy for those around me. Yes, there is still "evidence of the disease" but it's much more positive than I ever expected.

Live life large.

Ann's Fans Run It Out!

2010-06-16T16:01:00.002-04:00

This past weekend was Race for the Cure. My team, led by my sister, Ann's Fans raised more than $5,000 for the Komen Foundation! I couldn't be more proud or thankful to all who contributed and supported me and my family along the way. Thank you. Between this year and last year, Ann's Fans has raised more than $17,000 for Komen!

I wasn't sure what to expect going into the race this year. I was nervous about how my emotions would settle out. It is difficult to believe that last year it was difficult to walk the full three miles. I just keep remembering that last year I didn't have much hair and I was pretty exhausted just walking up the hill. This year was very different.

We arrived at 6:30 on race day and there were pink shirts everywhere ... until we toed it up on the start line for the 7:00 a.m. competitive race. There were only 34 competitive survivors and I was proud to be one of them. My dad, brother-in-law and sister all joined Nancy and I for the big "fast" run. My goal was to break 30 minutes and to finish in the top ten -- for survivors.

It was hot from the start and we ran a great first half but after that the heat started to take it's toll. By the 2.5 mile marker, I had to walk a bit to catch my breath after a few of the hills and I ran all over the road to catch every sprinkler that was along the road. In the end, I finished at 31:11 and in 11th place. I didn't quite make my goal but it gives me a good baseline to work toward. I'm most proud of Frances Widmann. I don't know her but she is a 74 year old survivor that beat me by about a minute! She must have a lot of spunk and moxy!

After we cooled off from that race, we went to meet the rest of the team under the trees. We had a total of about 60 members on the team and dozens more donated. I had great support from Gibbs & Soell and I saw several of the young ladies from the office on race morning. We also had a good showing from Asbury United Methodist Church.

At 8:45 it felt like it was 100 degrees out and we were sweating before we started. We walked a lot of the race with our friends, the Jeffries. Andrew, as always, was prepared with water bottles and squirt guns which kept all four of the kids interested and moving forward. The sprinklers on the second half of the course couldn't come fast enough for them. I'm not sure they could have been any wetter if they were in a pool. My brother and his wife joined us as well and pushed my nephews along the way ... they were coated in sweat. My mom met us all at the finish line and we walked it in together! That's always the highlight for me. It's great to have such awesome support.

Suffice to say, we had a great time. The Race for the Cure is such an awesome event when you see all the pink shirts and women in so many stages of life who have been affected by this miserable disease. As we crossed the finish line, there was a man holding a poster of a beautiful woman and the dates of her life were written below her photo. She'd passed sometime earlier this year. Rose asked me why he was carrying her poster and I explained that she had died and couldn't be there to run. Rose asked the obvious question: how she died. I said, "cancer, probably" and Rose's blue eyes got huge and her eyebrows shot up. I quickly dropped to my knee and explained to her that I'm very healthy right now and she doesn't need to worry. I had a tear in my eye though. And, a fellow survivor patted me on the back and congratulated me on a job well done. She had a tear too. I don't think she meant the race.

Peace.

Nothing Mini About It

2010-05-12T22:11:00.001-04:00

Looking back, it’s still pretty amazing to me that I was lucky enough to run with SEVEN family members in the Indy Mini. In early May. Of 2010.

I had hoped to run the Indy Mini last year but I didn’t sign up early enough … so my friend Nancy Zech ran it last year and boasted about how great it was. Subsequently, at one of our family events last year we all started talking about running the Mini. And, one thing led to another and in early November, seven of my close friends and family signed up for the Mini. My husband and I are both from Indiana and he’s a huge Indy car fan so when he heard you get to run the track … even he signed up.

Training was tough. First, it’s tough for both of us to train and find times throughout the weekend to schedule long runs around church, soccer and other commitments – including and especially -- laziness. Second, I’m not in as good of shape as I was last year … the effects of chemo and radiation definitely took a toll on my body.

Checking the weather as we packed we knew it would be chilly. I was stressing about which shoes to wear. On long runs, my new Saucony shoes leave my toes feeling like someone took a baseball bat to the base of all my toes. My older shoes, Asics, often cause my knee to hurt and I think the lack of padding changes my stride. At the last minute, I took my old shoes.

On Friday, Jeff and the girls and I had a leisurely lunch with my former travel buddy in the rice field of Louisiana where she provided us with great knowledge of the course – including where her “patent pending pit toilet” strategy. It came in real handy on Mile 6. We ran into a dear friend from high school at packet pick-up and had just a few minutes to exchange pleasantries and wish each other luck.

Throughout the afternoon, friends and family started converging on the Spring Hill Suites which was located right at the start line. Most of us could see it from our hotel windows. I can't say enough about the SpringHill Suites, it was great!

With our support crew and cheerleaders, there were 17 of us at TGIFridays (a very short walk from the hotel in what may have been a smattering of rain) for our pre-race dinner. Nearly half the table enjoyed the Bruschetta pasta dinner. Selection was slim! The weather report was predicting 40 degrees and windy. We were all strategizing about what to wear – tights, shorts, Capri, long sleeves or short … the list went on.

Someone had mentioned beach balls and as we made our way to Corral O, the place was crazy with hundreds of beach balls bouncing over heads. With 1,500 runners in each corral, it was a sea of arms fending off these ferocious beach balls. They came faster and harder as we waited for the starting gun.

Finally, we were off. Within two miles, we had seen at least four bands of varying talents and skills, the 33 Indy princesses working a water stop and an elephant! That’s right … you run past the zoo and along the river for a while. It was at mile 2 that I waved my 67 year old father, my sister and my sister-in-law (who just had a baby in Nov.) onward. My race strategy was to walk about a tenth of a mile at every mile marker. Only Jeff stayed behind with me.

We motored on … usually in silence … just enjoying the many, many bands. We ate our Gu, we nibbled on shot blocks. There were water stops and Gatorade at every half mile. It was a well stocked course. You could throw a water cup behind you and it would get caught in the gusts and pass you … As usual, I had an old t-shirt to shed … it took me until mile 3 or 4 to drop it off. I then was sporting my new “Will Run for Wine” shirt in a nice Merlot color!

About mile 6, we were running through an industrial section of town and finally turned right onto “Main Street” in Speedway. It was our route into THE track. The Brickyard. While the stands were deserted, it was cool and awe inspiring to imagine what it must be like to race there. This is where my lunch with Carla really paid off and I took her advice to find the third set of pit toilets … where there were toilets that flushed with no line! I washed the Gu off my hands.

Our walk/run strategy was working well until we hit the track. It was just so cool that we walked a lot! We pulled out our digital camera and staged a few photo opps of the runners, the stands and the enormity of the track. There is only one yard of bricks remaining at the Brickyard and the tradition is that the winner of the 500 kisses them … we took the opportunity! It was great! I’ll post pictures on Facebook.
Meanwhile, we kept passing and getting passed by a woman who was running in just a running bra and was fairly pregnant. About 4 or 5 months. She stopped at every port-a-jon and we stopped at every mile which gave us a game of cat and mouse all the way back to the start line! We ran past an older man in his 60’s or more who wasn’t wearing a shirt … might not have been so memorable if you couldn’t see his thong that he was wearing … no it wasn’t a jock strap! It was a thong! Seriously!

The course back was overall unremarkable and the crowds were sparse (they may have been blown east to Ohio). We did pass a restaurant/bar that offered fresh fish and frog legs. We were temped. We trotted along and at one time picked up a sweatshirt as a souvenir for my friend Nancy … but we quickly tired of carrying it and shed it near IUPUI. My brother called me as we were entering mile 10 and let me know he was at the 13 mile marker. We trudged on. Jeff and I were both starting to get tired and were trying not to complain.

Finally you could see the crowds and we passed the final water break, which was the Indy princesses again! Jeff and I kept going and saw our girls and my mother and brother right beyond mile marker 13 just as we were finishing! I really felt like I earned this medal! We ran into my Uncle John and Cousin Mike at the finish line.
Apparently, somewhere along the way, we passed my dad, sister and sister-in-law – they were probably in line for the potty! They finished shortly behind us.

I feel really lucky. This time last year I was bald and in the worst of the chemo. It was difficult to walk just 2 or 3 miles … so it feels great to have made such progress in a year. I couldn’t have done it without a whole lot of support. Thanks to Stephanie and Nancy for dragging me out on so many mornings when I really didn’t want to go. Thanks to my family for believing in me and supporting me and being such great examples of a healthy lifestyle. And, I’m really proud of my husband … who barely trained for this and was a real champ. His biggest concern was me and I’m really lucky to have him. Congrats on your first half!

As I think about our next adventure though … I have to wonder if we could morph into the kind of family that just rent s a house on the beach for the week, or goes on a cruise, or just has a reunion with barbecue and carrot cake in the backyard. And, while we’re all there we could talk about running Nashville or Disney or Vegas or …

Ann's Fans: Volume II

2010-04-30T11:43:00.002-04:00

My beautiful sister has started back up my Race for the Cure team again ... it's called Ann's Fans and we're hoping to get many of you to join us again.

http://bit.ly/bmnFNr

If you weren't there last year ... it was crazy good! We had more than 100 people on the team and raised $12,000 dollars. Dozens of my colleagues at Gibbs & Soell joined us for the walk/run. My tears swelled that morning (again and again) but especially as I wrote the word "ME" on the the sign I work. I was running for "ME" and others but it's scary to write your own name. My biggest fear was that my girls would one day have to switch to the tag "In Memory of ..." and then fill in my name. I swallow hard just thinking about that.

A year later, that's still a concern I have. A sparkly woman from my church who helped me through so much of last year has just had a significant cancer scare and is now facing several surgeries. My heart aches for her as I think about the hills and valleys that she'll encounter this year. I know she's very strong and in such a better place than she was during her first battle with breast cancer. As survivors, we will always have that little nagging ... what if ...

Please consider joining us in the hills and valleys. I'm really fortunate to be in a beautiful valley right now. My health is good. I'm getting a three hour infusion in the chemo lab as I type and I'm again touched by all the different people here for various medical states. We offer one another shy grins. No one wants to ask ... "how long you been coming?"

I've nominated Jeff for party planning. We were trying to rent out our clubhouse pool for Sat. evening but we'll also scouting other options. We'd love a chance to celebrate with all of our friends and families and take the opporutnity to really make a difference.

Next weekend, I am running a half marathon with many family members and friends. I'm not in as good of shape as I'd like but I'll finish it. I'll provide my race report here after I'm done.

It's not called Chapel Flat

2010-04-13T21:28:00.002-04:00

On Saturday morning the alarm went off at 5:15. (It seemed wrong to me as well.) I pushed Jeff out of bed and we quietly put on our running attire and slipped out the door. Our friend, Tim, came to read the paper while the girls slept in. We met Nancy at Starbucks (which was still closed) shortly after 6. I like to think that we were just fashionably late but at 6:00 a.m., it's just rude. Sorry, Nancy.

We ran into my sister and her brother-in-law, Daryl, when we were parking at Chapel Hill and we all made our way to the start line. You could call this my "reentry" into competitive running ... except my times aren't competitive. The gun went off at 7:30 and we took off running around Chapel Hill. The challenge: The Tar Heel Ten Miler. It was in the 40's and beautiful. The azaleas, tulips and dogwoods are all blooming in unison and some of the neighborhoods we ran through were like running inside of a Southern Living spread ... except with serious elevation changes.

After 3 miles of running, I really wanted to turn left with all the runners who were just signed up for 4 miles ... but Nancy and Jeff surrounded me like bodyguards. They ushered me on toward mile 5. We ran past the famous Dean Dome and the Old Well. We ran down the bar district of Franklin Street. It was really beautiful. It was about this time I noticed that there was this man in his late 40's or so that passed us ... in a wheel chair. I think his name was Wayne. We'd pass each other on the hills, and he didn't have a fitness wheel chair. He'd roll down the hill past us and we'd catch him on the next one.

Much of the course was the same course that I walked with the girls several weeks ago through the Get Real and Heel program, which benefits breast cancer survivors. So, at some places along the route Nancy and Jeff would be talking to me and I was completely zoned out considering where I was a year ago (bald and in the worst of the chemo treatments). I considered how much my faith has grown and been tested in the last year. Running between Nancy and Jeff was a real treat. They were very encouraging when I wanted to walk every hill (and there are a lot of them) and I reflected as I walked/jogged how much these two (among others) have helped me get through the year. Not only were they coaching me through the run on Sat. but they were two of my biggest coaches last year and I'm really grateful for that. Wayne kept passing us and I wanted to say something clever but I couldn't think of anything. It was like a chant in my head, "This is Chapel HILL ... not Chapel FLAT." Have I mentioned it was hilly?

As I ran/walked/crawled up mile 9, which was similar in topography to Mt. Mitchell, I thought about what I would say as we crossed the finish line and how I should thank them both and let them know how much I care about them and how grateful I am to have them surrounding me. By the last mile we were running again and as we ran through the parking lot near Kenan Stadium the man in the wheelchair went zooming past us and asked us, "Are you going to let a fat man in a wheel chair beat you?" I was shocked. I'd wanted to tell this man how impressed I was with his stamina, endurance and discipline and suddenly he was talking smack ... so I asked him, "Are you going to let a cancer survivor beat you?" I don't know who was more surprised. I was stunned and embarrassed that I said that out loud. I can't imagine the trials and inconveniences that this man endures.

We sprinted through toward the tunnel and unfortunately for him it was an incline so we beat him to the path around the football field. It was really neat to see the inside of the stadium (there were hedges planted there I think ... odd). Our faces were on the Jumbo tron as we crossed the finish line and then it was over. They handed us our medal and we were done. As we made our way out of the stadium I saw the man in the wheelchair again and I congratulated him on a good finish. It was about 9:20.

So, that's my race report. It was a great run. It physically hurt and I'm not in the kind of shape I'd like to be. But, I'm really grateful that I got to run with one of my running buddies and my husband. More than anything I'm very appreciative to all the people who helped me get there Tim, Stacy, Nancy, Jean, Stephanie and my family -- Thank you to everyone! I certainly didn't do it alone. I'm hopeful that I'll get a chance to go back next year and run it again using my time this year as my benchmark. And, of course, I'll try to encourage more of my running buddies to join us. You know who you are.

... now I just have to decide if I want to run the New York marathon this fall ... anyone have a contact at ING who can help me get in?

Bunny Poop.

2010-04-05T23:09:00.004-04:00

Easter with the family. It was nice to have hair this year! We had hats just for the fun of it this year ... maybe it will become a tradition for me and the girls. This green hat was one of the first I bought last year and I don't know that I ever wore it. The girls are showing off their missing teeth .. Rose is missing one on the top and Grace is missing one on the bottom. The Easter Bunny brought them very bright and long kites. Of course, it was 90 degrees and very still out so they didn't get to use them much. We let them run up and down the sidewalk with a few yards of line. They were thrilled. They especially loved finding "bunny poop" (mini marshmallows) all over the hallway, stairs and creating a trail all the way to their baskets.

I was really fortunate to spend Easter with my brother and sister and their families on my back porch most of the weekend! We had a long run (around 8 miles) on Sat. as most of us prepare for a race in Indy in early May. I'm not sure I can run it all but I have heard that there is no shame in walking!

Happy Easter!

Doctor appointment

2010-03-30T08:55:00.002-04:00

I've got a "regular" doctor appointment this morning and the anxiety is killing me. I don't know why. I should be healthy enough. But lately I wonder. My running is horrible and I'm having a difficult time keeping my breath, my energy is low and my chest hurts. I'm terrified that he's going to find something. I'm reading a book called AntiCancer and it focuses on diet and exercise and suddenly I realize there is so much more that I should be doing. It's not rocket science ... eat good and exercise for 30 minutes a day (which does not mean 10 mile runs every weekend ...)

Anyway ... I just needed to get that off my chest and admit that I'm still nervous. I wish all the angst could go away.

Random Thoughts by an Overstressed Executive Mom

2010-03-26T22:52:00.002-04:00

I have been sick this week. Not serious: just a head cold and it is certainly nothing out of the ordinary. I have a throat that feels like fire and a nose that is drippy at best. So, I went into the doctor on Tues. It's the first time I've been sick since chemo ended and admittedly it freaked me out. I just wasn't sure how my body would react. I'm a little worried about how my immune system was going to hold up. Fortunately, I mentioned it to the nurse and she had also fought breast cancer much of last year and been in a similar situation. She assured me that it was normal to panic a little. The doctor assured me I'd be fine with more fluids and rest ... so I slept some more. I feel a little better at the end of this week but I'm still exhausted. That could be that I'm watching basketball!

---
Jeff has started working again. It's a part-time contract position with the North Carolina Department of Agriculture. Ironically, it's been right at six years since he resigned to stay home with the girls. That was one of the best decisions we made. He is responsible for overseeing the execution of grants for the specialty crop block grant program. It's a lot of paperwork to which he is adapting. I am really proud of him for getting a job in an industry that we are both so passionate about, but it's also a strain on the family as we adjust to him having a more structured day and limited flexibility. We're all slowly stepping up some although you couldn't tell it from the five loads of laundry that we need to put away.

---
Grace is flourishing as a budding bookworm. She is really enjoying reading everything her eyes come across. This has huge ramifications for me as I often leave lists and documents around the house and now she can read much of it. She was quick to tell me that the dental hygienist called her "hysterical" and "cute as a button." She was so proud. I stifled a laugh when Jeff talked about her trip to the dentist, he mentioned that she was nearly in-hysterics when they tried to use fluoride on her teeth ... she would not let them. Hysterics and hysterical ... hate that I missed that adventure. I'm enjoying teaching her all the various definitions for various words ... like hysterical.

---
Rose continues to be a bundle of energy and full of life. She goes full throttle and wide open. Now that spring has arrived she is usually in the backyard and at night we are finding handfuls of leaves in her hair. She's started soccer and my only regret is that our yard is not more conducive to practicing the drills. She's extremely proud of a panda bear that she made at Build-A-Bear last weekend. She dressed Oreo, the panda, in a soccer outfit! I look forward to being a soccer mom, she really enjoys it.

---
In the morning, the girls and I are doing a three mile walk in Chapel Hill. It's for a non-profit group called "Get Real and Heel" that focuses on helping breast cancer patients recover through a five month intensive exercise and healthy lifestyle program. One of their staff has been helping me on the rare occasions that I make it inside the YMCA. It's an excellent program for survivors and I wish I lived close enough to take advantage of it. I'm signed up for several long distance races in the next few months and I'm struggling to run several times a week. We will be putting together a Race for the Cure team in the next few weeks so I'll be posting that information as soon as I have it.

That's the update at the Camden house. Oh, and we're watching basketball!!! Go Boilers! Beat Duke!

God Called a Good One Home

2010-03-04T18:11:00.004-05:00

This weekend we are grieving and struggling with death. On Monday morning, our good friend Gerry Reid was hit by a semi-truck on I-40. I could go into all the bizarre and ironic aspects of the story but I won't. I'll back up and remember that last Friday at our Life Group (through our church), of which Gerry was a huge part, the conversation was about God's will and how difficult it is to pray for that to be done. And this week as I've watched his wife handle his coma and a battery of tests that never seemed to go our way ... she is a living testament to God's will. Yesterday, Gerry went onto heaven. I like to think he is on a mission to scout out good bands for us to hear one day.

Gerry was an interesting guy with a great knack for story telling. He was an awesome dad and he loved his brothers -- loved to tell stories about his family. He always made you feel good when you were around him and people adored him. He was smart and down to earth. He was very genuine and curious about everything. He exposed his kids to all different kinds of adventures. In early February, he didn't hesitate when we called him to go to the rodeo. I told him we were trying to decide who would be crazy enough to go to "Bulls and Barrels" and we had a great time cheering for the cowboys. It was a hoot and a great blast of redneck thrown in.

Throughout my journey last year Mandy, his wife, sent me great notes of encouragement and brought us terrific homemade bread and Gerry filled my inbox with thoughts on diet and how it might affect my side effects of chemo and radiation. Just last week, we were having a great discussion about Michael Pollan and our own personal Food Rules. Here were the ones he sent me last week:

No processed\simple carbs (bread, pasta, french fries, potatoes) unless immediately after work out

Meat, beans, leaves and berries should be primary foods.

If it comes from a factory don't eat it.

Green tea and fish oil every day

Supps: Vit D, Resveratrol, Zinc, Magnesium, COQ10, Turmeric and a big fat multi-vitamin.

I make exceptions of course, especially for beer and chocolate.

In this last week, Gerry taught me a lot about life and gave me yet another huge reminder that life is a gift and you never know when it might be taken away. People keep asking what they can do and right now ... Mandy just needs some time alone but I keep thinking there must be something so here's my list:
-- Give blood
-- Sign your organ donor card
-- Squeeze your loved ones and tell them you love them
-- Write a will and talk with your spouse no matter how uncomfortable the conversation
-- Eat healthy and plan to live a long time
-- Enjoy every day and thank God for all your blessings
-- Be genuinely nice
-- Have Faith and pray

We're really going to miss Gerry and we ache for his wife and kids. They have an amazing support system of family and friends; but we know there is nothing that can replace the love of their husband and father. If you have any suggestions for how we can help them through this difficult time, please share them with us.

Hug somebody.

365 Days Later ... God Heals

2010-02-16T20:29:00.003-05:00

Today is my one year anniversary of being a survivor. In some ways a lot has changed in a year and in other ways ... not much has changed at all. I'm still waiting the final results of my tests that I had run on Monday and my stitches are still healing from having the port catheter removed on Thursday. As I reflect back on the year, I'm so very thankful for all the kind words of encouragement, the prayers, the baby-sitters, the meals and all the help you've given our family.

I was fortunate enough to take the entire day as a vacation day to just spend with Jeff and the girls. I started the morning with a short run. I've got a long way to go before my half marathon in May but it felt good to just run my own pace and "talk to God" along the way. I'm really thankful for the overwhelming sense of peace that I have as I move forward with life. Then I drove carpool where the topic for three kindergartners was everything from dinner choices, maiden names, heaven and whether cats could feel a shot from the veterinarian. All that in just 20 minutes of driving! It was a riot! Jeff and I went for massages which was just an awesome feeling to be warm and mellow. Then we did a little window shopping and a nice lunch of shrimp and grits. I made banana blueberry chocolate chip bread with Rose this afternoon while Grace went with Jeff and Pete (our cat) to the vet. It was great to just spend the day focused on the family and our everyday mundane tasks. It was a great way to celebrate this milestone.

I'm preparing to moderate an awareness event for a ministry called "Hangin' on Faith" (wwww.hanginonfaith.com) on Friday night and I've keep coming back to this poem as I consider my remarks. Indeed, God heals ...

God Heals -- Author Unknown

Remember when you heard the words -- and your mind went blank -- you were in another world.
God heals.
Remember in your darkest hours -- when all that surrounds you is pain and sorrow
God heals.
Remember friends' prayers - your family's encouragement = glimmers of hope from everyday angels
God heals.
Quite ... you can hear Him now always there -- yet never close
God heals.
It's just another day -- yet everything has changed -- and you hear yourself say
God heals.
Birds are singing -- the sky is a beautiful blue - flowers are blooming ...
God heals.
Truths that you knew as a child -- awakened again with new understanding
God heals.
Remember when others can't - that life is a gift - each day to treasure.
God heals.

Amen! Indeed, I have felt that healing presence throughout the year.

Here's to many more years!

Close to the year anniversary

2010-02-11T18:32:00.002-05:00

I spent most of Monday afternoon with Dr. Graham, my onocologist. It was a regularly scheduled meeting to review my test results and hopefully declare me "NED" No Evidence of Disease. Unfortunately, we didn't have all the tests done yet (nurses screwed up the diagnostics being ordered) so I go in on Monday for the chest scans, mammograms, etc. and then I'll have a few days before he calls me to declare me NED.

He did start me on hormone treatments (for the next five years) ... which is great timing. They are running Duke Childrens Hospital fund raising on the radio right now. I'm crying in my car constantly as I hear these poor families talk about what cancer has done to their children. I could give away everything I own listening to these gut wrenching stories.

Today I went to have my port removed. It was implanted in my chest last March. The procedure itself only took a half hour and I was awake. (Although whatever they gave me for my nerves kicked in and I slept until nearly four today ... I made Jeff stop for a sausage biscuit on the way home. I kept falling asleep eating it and it kept falling back into my lap as he drove me home. I was a mess.) We started our appointment fighting with insurance. We switched insurance companies in Dec. and these doctors didn't take my new one and we had to call and get a special waiver to make sure that our insurance will pay for 80% of it. In the end they agreed to it but it was so distracting and nerve-wracking as three nurses stood waiting to start the procedure until we could get our insurance figured out. Makes me really worried about what the future of health care will be. I could have opted to keep the port but I would have to be on a daily blood thinner. Ridiculous. Anyway, I'm awake now and in minmal pain.

The doc did approve my ski trip for the weekend although he did warn against carrying and lifting the girls. I agreed. So, we're heading to Ski Beech with two other families from our church this weekend. I've been looking forward to this for weeks and probably should go pack while the girls are at swimming practice.

Hope all you that are snowed in aren't going crazy!

Jeff and Grace on the Hill

2010-01-31T21:25:00.003-05:00

Fire on the Hill

2010-01-31T21:01:00.002-05:00

We spent the weekend taking our clothes off and on ... nothing kinky mind you. Mittens. Scarves. Hats. Socks. Sweaters. If you like hard work, it was really wonderful. It was the fourth weekend in a row where we've just hung out at home all weekend. I spent a chunk of the weekend studying up on soybeans and never straying far from the fire.

And, when we did leave the house: we left it fast. Unlike most Southerners, we own five sleds. And, we've used them all. In fact, right now Jeff is sledding/walking the mile loop through the neighborhood on the runner sled. It's 9:00. At night. But the sledding is so invigorating and he won't get this opportunity tomorrow since I'm flying out of town and the girls are home from school. (Update: he just came back and reports it was the ride of his life and his longest run was at least a quarter mile long on the hills -- thank God he didn't meet a car.)

I spent much of the weekend in the kitchen, I tried to mimic the outstanding homemade yeast rolls and cinnamon buns that my mother made us as kids. My dinner rolls looked like small rocks but they had the yeast flavor I was craving. The cinnamon rolls this morning were pretty tasty so I think I redeemed myself.

It's funny ... between studying soybeans (my dad is a soybean farmer in Indiana) and thinking about all the great snow days we had with my mom ... I'm almost a little homesick.

See Mom Be Positive

2010-01-24T21:19:00.005-05:00

The girls are learning to read. It's both beautiful and frustrating to watch. It is often hard not to fill in their pauses while they think. It's kind of sad too because reading is one of the few times I snuggle with the girls ... and soon they won't need me. Grace is grasping reading quickly and it comes relatively easy for her. Last night as Grace read me Dr. Seuss's Hop on Pop as a bed time story, Rose hid under her bed pouting. So tonight we pulled out a vintage "Dick and Jane" book and Rose quickly read the first two chapters. I think it helped boost her confidence. I want them both to love reading, it just opens the mind to so many possibilities and will make life so much easier if they enjoy it.

We had a great sermon at Asbury today. Proverbs 18:21 was the foundation ... "The tongue has the power of life and death,and those who love it will eat its fruit." As you can imagine, the focus was on positive words and how important it is to have a positive and kind attitude. The pastor had dozens of examples from complaining about the weather to the price of gas to what we're eating. It really hit me that my perspective lately has been quite sour and I'm probably taking it out on those that I love most. A positive attitude is something I have to constantly work on. Ironically, last year when I had so much to be bitter about ... I was amazingly upbeat. Why is that? Why is it so difficult to be grateful for the everyday things? I am so blessed in so many ways with friends, with family and even with work. It had never occurred to me to pray for a positive outlook before today. I always prayed for positive results ... maybe I need a new approach.

Tomorrow Rebecca and I are taking the girls to the women's UNC/NC State College Basketball game. I can't wait. Rebecca scored these tickets through a lottery at work and was kind enough to invite us. I want the girls to experience lots of different things so I'm quite thrilled for this opportunity. I'm cheering for NC State.

Today is the one year anniversary of the death of their Coach, Kay Yow. I didn't know her although I was genuinely sad last year to hear she passed. All the media and locals say she was a great coach and a great woman. She was diagnosed with cancer in 1987 and fought it for many years. Last year I would have said we had nothing in common but a year later, I have spent many hours with her oncologist, Dr. Graham. He's mentioned her determination and spirit several times. She was only 67 when she passed away ... a year ago today. Locally she did a lot to raise the awareness of breast cancer and was a great role model of how to handle it. So for the game, I can't decide if I should wear my survivor shirt or my NC State sweatshirt. Regardless, I'm excited to go to the game. Go Pack.

Have a great week!

2010 ... A New Decade and A New Perspective on Life

2010-01-19T22:35:00.005-05:00

It's been nearly a month since I updated my blog. It's been on my list of "to do's" right under send out Christmas cards and send my much overdue thank you notes. Admittedly, I've been trying not to spend every night online.

We had a great holiday with about a week prior to Christmas spent here at home enjoying time with our family and friends. The girls and I enjoyed the Nutcracker one afternoon, I went to the Picasso exhibit one day and shopping with a friend one afternoon. Rebecca and I were able to have our annual "Cookie Day" and this year we had Mom with us which was extra special. We also did a Christmas Eve Jingle Bell run with 30 runners or so from the Finley YMCA. And, the day after Christmas we drove to northern Indiana which allowed us to visit with the Camdens and enjoy frigid days loaded with sledding and much card playing. The holdiays were a great ending to a very long year. I have to admit that cancer has made me really priortize people and family and it was great to have time to enjoy my family this year. I try not to be emotional but it was extra special.

Several of you have asked how I'm doing and what's going on. The short answer is that overall I feel great. I joke that I feel older. My body certainly isn't recovering like it used to. I don't know if it is the effects of another year or lingering effects of chemo. My shoulder is probably the most annoying issue. The radiation wreaked havoc on the muscle and I'm working hard to get it stretched out and regain my strength in my arms. My thermostat is also off ... one minute I can be comfortable and the next I'm sweating bullets. It's really annoying but I think I'll manage through it for the next few years as they shut my estrogen down. I go back to my oncologist, Dr. Graham, in early February and also get my port removed in mid-Feb. I'm a little anxious to get both of those appointments behind me.

I'm back at work full time and finally starting to settle into a routine. I took on new responsibiities for agribusiness development last year and I'm finally getting to really dive into it. Last year I never felt like I could make a huge impact and it's rewarding to immerse myself back into agribusiness. The girls are back in school and also taking swimming lessons twice a week. We've been doing a few crafts every weekend and that's been a blast! Jeff is managing the household and trying to keep us all moving in the same direction ... and in his free time, he is catching a few basketball games. We're also training for a half marathon so we're talking tennis shoes and running routes most nights.

That's the update from Raleigh. More later, maybe even a few pictures. Go Boilers!

Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas ... Our Story of Hope

2009-12-06T20:38:00.002-05:00

I finished my radiation on Friday. I'm thrilled to be done with it and looking forward to the "cooking process" to end (which should happen in the next week) and the healing process to begin. Tomorrow morning when I can just head into the office and bypass my time at the hospital I'll be even more thankful to be done. We didn't have a big celebration. We bought a tree at Homewood Nursery, one of our favorite holiday traditions is going there to pick out a poinsettias, and we decorated the house. We spent most of the weekend at the church and it was great to be surrounded by friends. We were asked to give our testimony at church and the girls sang in the choir. Below is our testimony that we gave. It may be the closest thing I get to holiday cards.

We’ve been looking forward to Christmas this year so that 2009 will finally be over. In February, when our doctors diagnosed me with Stage III breast cancer they told me it would take me a year of treatments … a long and horrible year. We couldn’t imagine they were right and it turns out they were wrong. 2009 hasn’t been horrible. It’s been very humbling and rewarding in many, many ways. Not to short change the year, it’s been tough and with a lot of prayers especially from this congregation … we’ve grown in Christ.

At the beginning of the year, life was normal. I took on new responsibilities at work, we were choosing the right kindergarten for our girls, I was training for a half marathon, and we were in a LifeGroup here at church. Things -- according to my plans -- were going well. But that was before I saw the look in the surgeon’s eyes. He has this blend of pain and fear … and the burden of having to deliver bad news. As he and Jeff, sat holding my hand on that Monday afternoon … that was probably the worst day of this entire year. I felt betrayed by my body, scared for our future and confused as to why God could do this to us. Cancer brought us to our knees. We were suddenly facing a new reality. It was a defining moment that showed us that we are not in control of our lives.

We have been involved in church for a while and over the last few years we have gotten even more involved … but honestly we probably haven’t spent as much time praying as we should. Suddenly – that day – we were deep in prayer. Like we haven’t prayed in a long time. We prayed for comfort, for guidance, for help and for healing.

Instead of going online to do research that night … we sent a prayer request to Asbury and called a fellow survivor from the church. She showed up on the next morning armed with books, tissues and most of all more prayer and a lot of hope. We were so afraid. In Philippians 4:19, it says … “God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” Every need we had this year was met. Our family served as a huge emotional support system but most of them are in Indiana and we had a lot of other needs. Many of you have brought us a chicken pot pie or a casserole. It was great to have home cooked meals and words of encouragement. Childcare was another huge concern. Again, God met those needs. From day one, our daughters -- Rose and Grace -- were away at various play dates while I took Ann to chemotherapy and numerous doctor appointments. It was truly a blessing to be at those appointments and know that our girls were safe in loving homes.

Over the years, we’ve had many discussions in various Bible studies about what is “coincidence” and does God really position people so they are there where we need them. This year I’ve come to believe that God orchestrates coincidence. For example, we have a fantastic life group and last winter we were studying Philippians … all about Paul and his optimistic outlook while he was in prison. I’ve never been an “optimistic” person until this year. I can’t imagine it’s a coincidence that we were studying that when I was diagnosed. The Scriptures gave us Hope over and over.

Again, it was no coincidence that in February the KidStuf virtue was Hope. I was scheduled to read Scripture about Hope. The definition declared that something good will come from something bad. And, the easy thing to do would have been to cancel out that week. But I read the Word that morning and it felt like God was right here on this stage holding my hand. My hands shook and my eyes watered but the kids were quiet for a change. And, it felt liberating to declare that … I have HOPE. I believe God will use my cancer for something good. I hate that I have had cancer but I am not sure I would change much about the year. I have grown to see what is really important. And, I have no doubt that it will be used for something good, according to God’s plan.

One of my favorite gifts that I’ve received this year is this little white paper bag that’s filled with Scripture. The woman who gave this to me has no idea how many nights I’ve used this little white bag of Hope when I needed direction and assurance. Every time I stick my hand in it … I pull out a piece of Scripture … and most of the time it’s about HOPE. One of my favorites is Jeremiah 29:11 … “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

I can’t begin to imagine where this journey is all going to end. While my treatments finally ended on Friday – the journey is not over. But that verse from Jeremiah is there to give us Hope. We still have Hope that God will use this for good. Maybe God will use me through my blog or through KidStuf … or maybe even today. Maybe my Hope and Faith will inspire someone I met in a chemo lab or during radiation … maybe it’s someone that I run with, or that Jeff meets at the doughnut shop, or someone in my family who is struggling with their own battles … we believe God has a plan.

This year we have felt God fill us with HOPE and that’s what Christmas is all about. We can’t imagine this year without having the Hope that we have in Jesus. The hope that a little baby boy can take away our sins and lead us all to eternal life. We can believe that. Thanks to each of you for all of your prayers and support and Merry Christmas!

Celebrate: A new shade of pink

2009-12-02T21:29:00.002-05:00

Thanksgiving was wonderful. I slept in every day and didn't do a lot more than eat, drink and watch the sun set over the sound. I read books with the girls, took leisurely bike rides (I don't count them as workouts) and played a really lousy game of dominoes. Mostly I was thankful. Grateful for all the medicine, doctors and nurses that have helped me get through this year ... but mainly thankful for all the family and friends who have offered Jeff, the girls and I so much support this year. Thank you. I can't imagine how we could have functioned without all the support.

I'm finally almost done. I really can't imagine what a burn victim must feel like as they watch their skin peel and grow. I've got numerous shades of pink, blue and brown on my chest and armpit. My armpit and chest is just a little swollen. I keep waiting to look down and find my chest actually sprouting flames. I didn't ask the doctor if that was possible or just a nightmare. Fatigue is also taking its toll and it's getting more difficult to keep up my fully packed schedule. I'm starting to schedule naps and more down time -- maybe I can catch up on holiday movies.

But under the heading of "this too shall pass ..." I finish radiation on Friday. I've seen a lot of fellow patients graduate in the last few days and today when the "second to last woman standing" graduated we hugged several times and I had to choke back tears. Tomorrow it will just be me and the guys as the regular crop of patients. We usually fight over the paper but they aren't too good at sharing recipes. I've got a little surprise planned for my final appointment on Fri. afternoon to amuse the nurses. I'm looking forward to it.

I've been looking for dresses to wear in the church cantata this weekend. It's tough to find special occassion dresses that have just the right look. Grace was walking rack to rack and says (quite loud) "this one doesn't show your armpits or your breasts, mom" ... I wanted to crawl under the rack. Needless to say, I came home empty handed. The girls on the other hand lovely, sparkling dresses that twirl. Things are so much simpler when you're a child.

Celebrate. That's my motto this season. Well ... and nap!
Cheers!

Imagine Celebrating Life

2009-11-21T21:40:00.005-05:00

The girls celebrated their six birthday this weekend. We took them out to a Japanese steakhouse and out to a cafe where they choose coconut cake to celebrate at home while watching Tinkerbell. So, they've been living on a sugar induced high for about 48 hours now and I'm not sure Grace will ever be the same. She ate less than one-quarter of a cupcake tonight saying she'd had too much frosting today. It's a miracle. Tomorrow, we're having a party with 20 of their friends at the Museum of Life and Sciences. I'm so proud of them -- we have a butterfly and caterpillar cake that I used my hidden cake decorating skills from 4-H to create; dinosaur themed decorations that were the closest thing to "real" animals that Grace could find at Party City, and glow-in-the dark trinkets that Rose choose for the goody bags. They have such vivid imaginations when you let them make their own choices. It doesn't bother them a bit that it seems like a very random collection. I can't wait. I'm more excited than they are.

Last night as I laid in bed I let my imagination go. My five year survival rate prognosis is good. The girls will be 11 years old in five years. They will really need a mother. But I wonder ... what are my chances of seeing their sweet 16 or their 30th? Realistically, I know each of us runs that risk, there are no guarantees in life.

But, I've been having a lot of headaches and last night it felt like someone was standing on my chest in hiking boots just swiveling back and forth from heel to toe. I laid there worrying about recurrence already. I'm not even done with treatments and I'm doing really well but cancer is taxing -- both physically and mentally. I find myself questioning every ache and pain and this weekend I have a lot of those. My back and neck are throbbing (so is Jeff's). My skin is beginning to feel like a marshmallow being roasted over a campfire, kind of crunchy with soft gooey stuff underneath. I'm flat out crispy in spots. Sometimes that soft, gooey stuff is my faith and hope, and it ebbs aways. I can't imagine fighting this disease without hope. Those are the darkest days. So, I try to imagine how much I'll love my daughters in another 5, 10 and 35 years. That's a much better scenario to imagine. If I can imagine it ... maybe I can make it happen.

... I have to capture something my little buddy Simon recently said. He's six too and his mother is my best friend. She sent me this email earlier this week and it made my eyes water:
"Last night the boys and I were having dinner and decided we should mention things we were thankful for that day. I was thankful for the opportunity to be at the boys' school yesterday. Stephen was thankful that we have good things to eat. Simon was thankful..."for after Thanksgiving." What? "Because then, Mom, Ann will be all done with her treatment for cancer."I hope you're right Simon ... FOR THE REST OF MY VERY LONG LIFE.

NINE MORE TO GO

2009-11-18T22:23:00.002-05:00

... I am exhausted and sore. My armpit is killing me. I look like someone chewed on my chest and spit me back out. Cotton and turtlenecks are my friend. Cashmere, wool and spandex feel like some type of slow moving torture.

And, I failed my potassium test again. Apparently my nurse laid into Jeff yesterday that I need to be taking those pills daily and not weekly. If I had four legs and a mane they may taste better but nothing makes me choke faster. I went to the grocery tonight and bought bananas. Maybe that will help.

I'm an aunt again. Collin William Gottbrath. I'm excited to meet him and thrilled for my brother and his fabulous wife! (On a personal note, I'll never get rid of all the little girl clothes accumulating in my attic.)

Caution Hormonal Swings Ahead

2009-11-12T22:32:00.005-05:00

Tomorrow I start the "fourth" phase of my treatment ... I begin my hormone therapy. I'll be starting Lupron shots and will take them monthly for the next four months leading up to Tamoxifen which I will take daily for four years. My cancer feeds off of estrogen so these shots and subsequent pills are to keep my body from producing estrogen ... if I understand it all correctly.

I'm a little nervous. I've taken drugs like this before so the side effects aren't new to me. I'm anxious about being hormonal gut busting mood swings, gaining weight, retaining water and losing bone mass. I should be worried about a recurrence but surprisingily I still think God will use this somehow and that I have hope. As a friend just pointed out ... Jer 29:11 ... For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Anyway, my friend Stephanie is going to power through and drive me to all my appointments tomorrow. I'm relieved. These appointments are draining me. Tomorrow morning, I have an appointment for radiation, the radiologist and then move across town to the oncologist. Besides the energy it takes to go to all these, its mentally daunting ... I think Mrs. Ramos may finish radiation tomorrow. She's a Hispanic woman in her late 40s or so with a husband that fills the waiting room with smiles. She doesn't speak a lot of English but she fills the room with these huge smiles that shine through her eyes. I'm going to miss her during these next three weeks as I finish up and move onto the phase ... I wish I was the type who would fill a room with smiles ... but I don't think I am. I guess it's something to aspire to.

Ann

Fitting In

2009-11-08T21:17:00.002-05:00

It's been a busy weekend. I went into it exhausted and I'm coming out the other side in even worst shape. It's like I can't get enough rest. I've turned pretty pink (another reason to hate the color pink) all over my chest, armpit and back. It's difficult to get comfortable. Jeff drove me to the doctor on Wednesday and Friday last week. I just didn't have the energy to drive, park and walk.

On Friday at radiation, there was an older lady (probably late 50's) who had a foot in an air cast and was using a crutch, with a bad wig that was slightly off center and a sad look to her. Her husband was with her and he was kind of shuffling along, avoiding eye contact with everyone. But the nurses drug her in from the hallway where she was heading out toward the elevator -- it was her final treatment. They presented her with a diploma and a Hawaiian lei. She looked like she wanted to crawl under the chairs. My eyes teared up. I was jealous that she's done but my heart broke to see the look in her eyes. She looked scared. Afraid. A lot of people say that finishing radiation is a big milestone because then you're done ... just turned loose again ... and the doctors are pretty much just waiting to see if you have a recurrence. That's a mental challenge I'm not looking forward to.

I went to two different school type functions on behalf of the girls this weekend. I was so tired that I didn't mingle much (not that I'm great at that anyway) but I just really felt awkward. Like a preteen girl with acne, a cowlick and braces at a dance in the cafeteria. I don't volunteer so I don't know any of the kids in the girls classes; I work more than full-time so I don't run into anyone at pick-up and I don't know the latest toys; and my free time is spent between doctors offices and my couch. I felt like such a heel, like I had nothing to contribute. I'm sure these other mothers think I'm a snob. I'm not. I'm just struggling to fit in. Sometimes I think I like going to work because I know where I fit in ... but even that is a struggle sometimes and right now that's a moving target.

When this "cancer thing" is over, I'm ready to figure out who I am, spend more time with my friends and family and really think things through. Who am I? Where do I fit in? What kind of legacy do I want to leave? How can God use me to do His will?

Make it a good week. The girls don't have school Wed, Thurs or Fri ... I'd love to take them somewhere but I can't get away from the doctor. Maybe the zoo if I have the energy.

Dreary Weekend but Memorable

2009-11-01T15:46:00.003-05:00

Radiaiton continues to go well. My chest is turning red and itches a lot. I'm using lotion by the gallon and other than feeling sticky, I'm not sure it's doing much but I'm trying to follow the doctors orders.

The girls have had a great Halloween weekend. Grace dressed as a maid servant. She was Cinderella before she became a princess. Rose was a snow princess, she wore a white cape that was covered in snowflake buttons. I'm most proud because I was able to make both costumes and they were original. It felt great to have enough energy to be able to make the costumes and be there with the girls to attend Falleluia (an annual event at our church) and Trick or Treat. I even won homemade pumpkin bars at the cake walk! It was a great weekend to add to the girls childhood memories. I wonder if they'll even remember their costumes in ten years.

This morning my friend Nancy and I volunteered at the City of Oaks Marathon. It was a driving hard, cold rain and I felt for the folks who were running it, including several good friends. I looked in the eyes of all these runners who were fighting so hard to keep going (I was at the 8.5 mile mark where they turned around for the half or kept trudging out for the full). It reminded me of this year and what a struggle each of us faces. Everyone has their dragons to slay, their burdens to carry. I'm sure each of the runners today made memories they will never forget.

Jeff's parents have been here visiting this week. Jeff's dad hasn't made it down this year and he's been thrilled to have them here. They are working on a huge doll house that has sat idle in our garage for more than a year. I have no doubt that many hours will be spent playing this beautiful, homemade masterpiece over the next few years. I know when I look at my doll house I remember all the great times I had playing with my sister. Unforgettable.

I have treatment number 19 tomorrow morning. If I counted correctly, I may finish the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. I'm trying not to get my hopes up ... but how can I not?

Laughing All the Way to the Finish Line

2009-10-23T21:50:00.005-04:00

I'm nine treatments into radiation. Only 24 more treatments to go. But who's counting, besides Jeff and I?

Radiation has been going pretty quickly. It takes me as much time to drive to the hospital and onto work as it does to actually get the treatment. Each day, I receive four doses of radiation while I lay on the table and the nurses do this intricate number of lining me up just right using laser lights and projection screens. And, this large multi-million dollar machine moves robotically around me while I lie there listening to music. The nurses have been great. Maybe it's that they crank my "bed" up into the air about four feet so that my body is eye level but I think of the three fairy godmothers Flora, Fauna and Merryweather from Sleeping Beauty. They aren't old or pudgy by any means but always laughing and working to put their client base at ease. I'm really lucky compared to a lot of their clientele who are moving much slower and seem to be in a lot of pain. Many of them are on oxygen. So far my chest just feels a little raw and windburnt but I've been assured that the sunburn feeling will occur by the end of next week. Regardless, I'm nearly done and I'm loving it!

My running partners/best friends have hung with me this fall and really supported me even on mornings when they've had every right to drive to my house and ring the doorbell when I didn't show up. Regardless of my sleeping patterns, I've made it out for a few good runs lately bringing in a four miler recently that left me feeling pretty good about my physical fitness. Thursday morning I had a great run and it was still dark out, the stars were out and the air was crisp. Just perfect for a good run. As I see the end of actual treatments just around the corner, I realize I have to start exercising again soon. My doctors keep emphasizing just how important exercise and avoiding weight gain is to overall health.

In general, I'm in great spirits. If I had to complain about something ... I will pick on the the Komen Foundation as we celebrate Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I hate it. I'm ready for it to end. I've seen everything from the NFL to newspapers painted pink. I'm ready to get rid of the constant reminder about cancer. That damn pink ribbon is everywhere. I'm not sure what the objective of the campaign is other than to raise money. I could appreciate the campaign/organization more if they were more proactively reminding women to do self breast exams, mammograms, etc. On that note, I'll use this platform to recommend everyone get regular check-ups.

Hope you all have a blessed fall weekend. I've got a long list of "to do" items including Halloween Costume Development ... I'm looking forward to it.

Thanks for all the cards and prayers. And, thanks for the beautiful flowers.

Ann

The final stretch

2009-10-12T16:42:00.004-04:00

I know it's the final stretch ... the last six miles of the proverbial marathon. Maybe I've just hit my wall. I just really want to pull over to the side and untie my shoe laces. I can't find the right kind of gu, I'm out of water and my electrolytes are shot. My calves are wobbly and my back hurts. I'm probably chaffing too. Everything seems foggy. I guess it's like running a race when you're desperate to quit and knowing your car is still miles away. You just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. It sounds so much easier than what it really is.

Yet, that is what I'll do. Tomorrow I will go into Rex Hospital at 8:45 and will stop by for the next 33 business days. During this time they will use my tattoos to line me up with a huge and intense machine, shoot high concentrations of radiation at the right side of my chest and armpit which will result in an intense sunburn reaction and by Thanksgiving -- fatigue. If I'm lucky, that will be the worst of my side effects. With this daily regiment, any remaining cancer cells in my chest wall will die within the next few months. At the same time, I'll be starting hormone treatments as well.

I guess it's painful because I haven't had regular appointments for about six weeks now and it's been great. I went on two business trips (short overnighters) and one weekend getaway with my girlfriends. This weekend I went out to dinner twice with Jeff ... no kids. Work is crazy stressful right now and I'd like to immerse myself in it ... but it's hard to balance everything. I know I need to focus on my health which means exercise, sleep, good eating and spending time with those who matter ... but it's going to be tough to miss a couple hours of work each day and keep all the balls in the air during the daily juggle. I know it shouldn't matter ... but it does. We all face the daily juggle.

On that note, I'm off to roller skate with the girls school tonight. I hope I don't break anything. (The picture is of Grace running her first one mile fun run, a jingle bell run when she was just four. She was so proud of her very strong finish. This picture always makes me smile.)

Psalms 118:17 I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the LORD.

Topless Photos and Tattoos

2009-10-01T21:08:00.002-04:00

So, I made it to the radiologist yesterday. If I would have known just how awkward and exposed I was going to feel I might have had a beer for lunch (and I don't even like beer). They decorated my chest with tape covered in little electrodes and wrote all over my chest with magic markers. I looked like I had been hit with black paint balls. My chest was smeared with black and grey. They use these marks to line me up with the radiation machine so I get the right treatment.

So for more than thirty minutes, I'm lying there topless with my arms behind my head as radiologist technicians traipse in and out of the room. This is all while they are making a "mold" of my body so my arms will always be in the same position for all 33 of my treatments. The nurses kept nudging and shifting me in this pillow made of little foam bubbles. That is the template for my mold which will be ready in 5 days.

Then there were the tattoos. I now have SIX tattoos on my chest. You wouldn't know it to look at it me. They look like freckles -- just little dots but they hurt and several bled. I can't believe I have tattoos. Those suckers hurt.

So I laid there with my arms over my head in the same position, getting tattoos, having two ladies draw all over me and then when I've nearly started crying during the CAT scan. Adding insult to injury, ... they take photos. The nurses capture the memory of greyish/blackish boobs with blood and tape all over them. So there I am my arms throbbing, I am emotionally spent and frankly I'm tired of being strong. I dread going back.

Which is okay because the scheduling of radiation itself is a HUGE nightmare, it's been tough getting started. Now it looks like I'll finally start on Oct. 12th. Don't even get me started on the inconvenience of these appointments. My blood pressure rises just thinking about this.

This can't be done soon enough. I can keep telling myself "this too will pass ..." but sometimes I wonder if I'll even recognize myself by the end of this.

Have a great weekend. That's my rambling for the night.

The Battle of the Brain

2009-09-29T20:36:00.002-04:00

Before I tell my story, in my defense ... my arm hurt on Sunday morning before I left the house. It's probably no surprise that I've been called stubborn and hard headed. I'm sure it'll happen again. I'm sure I have a fair amount of self pride and yet at the same time, I'm very insecure about asking for help. It's easier to ask a friend to help than to approach a stranger. So, when it came to hoisting my bag into the overhead bin on an airplane earlier this week, I went against common sense, a vow to Jeff that I would ask for help and the advice of my oncologist -- I lifted the bag over the heads of several muscular and capable men.

I could see Jeff and Dr. G admonishing me before I even took my seat. My arm throbs and I'm struggling to hold my arm straight. Like I said, in all fairness to me, it hurt before I left on Sunday. I'd like to think that I'm going to learn from this ... but lets face it, I'm stubborn and when I travel next week I think I'll try to find a way to carry a super-small bag that will fit under the seat. Then I won't have to talk to a stranger. But this weekend, when I am thrilled to be going to the beach with my quilting girlfriends ... I will ask for help lugging my machine up the steps.

Meanwhile, I'm off to the radiologist tomorrow to try and make a mold so I can start my radiation next week. They are supposed to make a foam mold of me so I will lay in the same exact position for 33 treatments. I have to be able to hold my arm behind my head for about 15 minutes tomorrow. I'm nervous. I hate the changing of treatments. I feel like someone keeps moving my cheese. Not to mention the waiting room is in the basement of the hospital in the cancer ward. I feel sicker just parking the car.

I really thinking fighting cancer is mental. If I can just overcome my brain or lack thereof ... I can beat this thing if it doesn't break me first. I'm just tired of fighting.

God Bless,
Ann

For I know the plan

2009-09-26T02:16:00.003-04:00

Daily Bible Scripture - Jeremiah 29:11-13

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

It's late in the night/early in the morning and I'm struggling to escape the stress of change. And, I'm wondering why it matters. What's keeping me from sleep? from peace? If I really believe in God ... then I would believe he has a plan even when I don't like the plan I'm seeing. Even when it hurts just to look at what I know of my plan for the next few months at home, at work, at the radiologist office, at church ... so I wonder is it that I don't believe or do I not embrace change like I used to?

Someone is up going to the bathroom ... maybe I can talk them into snuggling mom back to sleep.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uhOJW4Uwy3c

Flat on My Back

2009-09-20T16:34:00.002-04:00

It's not always easy to decide when to call the doctor. I held out this weekend and I think I'm over the worst of it now on Sunday afternoon. On Friday, I had a Zometa infusion ... a drug that takes the calcium from my blood and pulls it into my bones. From all the drugs that I've taken and am about to take, I'm at high risk for osteopeina (a precursor to osteoporosis) and this should help guard against that as well as the cancer metastasizing in my bones. I'm supposed to do these treatments for three years every six months, I think. That will be too often.

I had the infusion first thing Friday morning and I was fine at work on Friday but by 10:00 that night my back was cramping and my feet were doing all sorts of kinky things with cramps. I took Tums, potassium, Ambien and finally pain killers left over from my surgery a few weeks back. Saturday I was on pain killers all day and night. I felt like my spine was concrete that was flaking into little bits and pieces. I had tears of pain and I don't often feel that way. I mentioned the Emergency Room to Jeff.

I did go out for a few hours to Yates Mill Pond, they had a big celebration and I wanted to do something fun with the girls this weekend. I thought I was going to pass out from pain the entire time I was there and I'm sure I looked stoned. We were looking for my friend Linda who makes a lot of their period costumes but unfortunately we missed her this weekend. We'll have to go back as I couldn't tolerate the mill tour and we left early. That's all I remember about Sat. Well, and playing Sudoku with Rose late in the night when she couldn't sleep and I was between pain killers.

The girls and Jeff are off at a birthday party that I really wanted to go to. Grace has made a friend at school and thinks the world of her. I wanted to meet her as Grace doesn't make friends easy. It was a tough decision to take Rose along as well. (The parents were kind enough to invite her as well when we called to RSVP.) Grace didn't really want Rose to go since it's sometimes hard to be visible when Rose is around. It just didn't seem fair to Rose to make her sit here on the couch with me all day on a beautiful afternoon. So, we decided she could go even if Grace didn't really want her there and we know they need their own friends. Fortunately Jeff called earlier and reported it was going well and Grace and friend were seen holding hands and picking pumpkins. Apparently there were pony rides as well.

I'm still fighting like a girl ... if you haven't seen this video or heard the song ... Fight Like a Girl ... it's worth a listen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wwtl_vKWdVs

So, please pray for relief from the suffering in my back and hips. I keep telling myself God has this plan and I'll be stronger for it but it's been really difficult this week as I see so much of the world progressing all around me and I so often feel like I'm just on the fringes of my own life. When I jump back in sometimes it feels like being on a merry-go-round and I can't make it to the middle where I'd be safer. Although I guess you could argue in the middle of the merry-go-round you really have no control ... and isn't that the truth.

God Bless,
Ann

I'm Radioactive ... well, I will be ...

2009-09-17T21:22:00.002-04:00

So I'm going to be radioactive 33 times but only for 15 seconds per treatment. We are advancing to the "final" stage of treatment -- radiology. And, I say "final" because in reality I actually will be in menopause and treating this with hormones for the next five years. I'll also be praying it doesn't come back and that I don't get lymphodema (swelling of the upper extremities/arm). Anyway, I'm working toward qualifying for radiation.

Why do I have to qualify? First I have to get my arm to move a lot better. I have a serious tendon that pops out if I put my arm up in the air and behind my head. I have to be able to hold it up and still long enough to make a mold of my body so I can lay absolutely still during radiation. And, I have to get another mammogram ... I think this will be my fifth one this year. This will be my baseline. And, I need a flu shot (you should too). The bad news of all this is that it's highly unprobable that I'll finish my treatments before Thanksgiving. I'm bummed.

So, I'm continuing to pray for patience and healing. I've been blessed in so many ways that even if I'm not finished with my regiment of treatments at Thanksgiving, I have so much to be grateful for and if you're reading this you're one of my blessings. Hope you have a great weekend.

A few images of the "grown ups" in our house

2009-09-13T16:51:00.004-04:00

Me in western North Carolina near Blowing Rock ... you could see only trees and Mother Nature both up and down the valley ... amazing. At the top is both Jeff and I together. Beyond the beauty of the mountains ... please note my crop of hair!

Not so pretty in pink

2009-09-13T16:45:00.003-04:00

I've come to hate the color pink. I thought it was overwhelming that the girls love it so much ... but I'm definitely more of a red person. I'm lounging around the house today trying to get the swelling under my arm to ease. I feel like I'm holding a ping pong ball in my armpit. It's uncomfortable but not uncommon apparently. And, I'm decked out in a pink survior shirt and a pink sweatshirt with pink ribbon socks ... why couldn't they have chosen a more aggressive color -- like red. I love red.

When the alarm goes off in the morning it's back to work for me. I also need to work on getting back to the gym, out on the road and off the couch. There are so many rules in life ... floss, exfoliate, exercise, work hard, pray, love they neighbor ... how do we fit it all in?

Thanks for all the notes and prayers. I have several doctor appointments this week to get me all ready for radiation. I'm dreading the constant disruption of radiation. A daily trip to the doctor/hospital where I'll take it and having to schedule work and life around it sounds like a real inconveninece.

That's my update. I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself because Jeff and the girls (after sleeping in a tent in our backyard last night) are now closing down the pool for the last day that it's open this year. They have a whole different life that I'm not even a part of sometime. That's kind of lonely.

Ann

Tomorrow Turns to Yesterday

2009-09-11T20:46:00.002-04:00

Jeff and I met with the oncologist on Thurs. and overall it was great. We all enjoyed our meeting and I can't say that very often. We laid out my next steps including hurdles and treatments over the next year. It involves a fair amount of monitoring, a couple shots for bone density, shots and pills to put me into menopause (think mood swings and hot flashes) and 33 radiation treatments that I'll be starting as soon as possible. I'll go daily for about 6.5 weeks and hope to be done by Thanksgiving. He was very pleased with my pathological response to the chemotherapy and is being presenting my case on the "Friday morning show." Before you start looking for it on your local cable, it's not the good kind of ABC/CBS/NBC morning shows ... but the gathering of 30 local doctors at Rex hospital who review various cancer cases and weigh in on treatment options, etc. My case was first presented in Feb. of this year and they recommended a mastectomy. But, due to my great response to chemo (which was only 50/50 due to me being estrogen receptor positive) ... I was able to get the lumpectomy last week. We talked a lot about my lymph node cancer cells as well but he was elated with the results and described it as finding flakes of cancer cells and described them as very tiny like salt and pepper. For the first time in MONTHS, we left feeling pretty good about everything.

I'm still really nervous about radiation. I HATED the doctor earlier this year but she's good and really has a pleasant bedside manner. She just scares me with her statistics of recurrence and death. I guess she plays a valid role and I'll be meeting with her next week. I can't start radiation until I can get my arm over my head (due to the surgery last week where they cut through the muscles in my armpit area). I've been working out ... trying to stretch and it hurts but I can get it about shoulder height but I can't sustain it yet.

But here's what is really on my mind, I've been listening to a Michael W. Smith song titled "How to Say Good-bye" and my favorite lyric includes the words "how quickly tomorrow can turn to yesterday." It's so easy to say we'll do things tomorrow until suddenly you run out of time. Like my cousin's fiancee. He was diagnosed with cancer last Nov. and I believe he had three different kinds. They were soft tissue (kidney, liver, esophagus, etc.) and that's a lot more serious than most breast cancer. He lives nearby. I kept meaning to go see him and to tell him how much I liked that spark in his eye and his smile -- I'm running out of time. I haven't spoken to him since Christmas when they called on my birthday and I spoke with him that night ... he was so jovial and kind that night. I cried when I hung up the phone because I knew of his diagnosis then and he is so young. I was mad that something so bad was happening to a really good guy. Anyway, my approach of "I'll do it tomorrow" is disappearing in the next few days. I've prayed for him over the course of the year but I wish I had gone to see him ... I regret that. Cancer sucks. Please if you're praying tonight, lift up Kenny and his family in your prayers.

So, that's the update from here. Please again, pray for Kenny. Pray for peace, comfort and God's Grace for all of his support crew. Thanks and God Bless.

More good news

2009-09-03T21:04:00.002-04:00

The surgeon called yesterday. I have clean margins in both the tumor tissue in the breast as well as in the lymph nodes. There were active cancer cells in the tumor material but if the pathology report is right then they got it all with a clean margin around the edges. Of the seven lymph nodes that she took, apparently after further investigation there were cancer cells in two of them but with all the nodes she took ... again it's clean margins. I think my mom summed it up well, "it's great news ... not excellent news."

I should be thrilled and jumping around with relief, but I'm still in a lot of pain and I'm remarkably nervous ... could it come back again soon? I'm wondering if there are little cancer cells that we didn't get and wondering should I have done the mastectomy. But, as every doctor told me ... don't look back. Make a decision and move forward iwth it. So, that's where I'm at now. I am trying to heal and move forward so I don't keep wondering about the "what if" scenarios. It's not as easy as I thought it would be.

That's all I know.

Two frogs and a spider

2009-09-02T13:40:00.003-04:00

You know your kid loves you when she takes her ten cents from being good at school and buys two plastic frogs from the teachers treasure box to put in your bed. When you come home from surgery and crawl in bed and there is a red plastic frog on the alarm clock by the bed and a green one on the pillow (about the size of my palm)... you know it's her way of saying I thought of you. She could have bought snakes she has told me since but she knows I hate frogs. Since it was a weekend full of pranks to my siblings beds and cars, it was great to see Grace get in the spirit. I put a rat under her pillow for tonight.

Praise the Lord, the surgery on Monday went well. It was a long day with a lot of waiting and my arm is very sore. The sentinel node biopsy went exceptionally well with a 95% chance that there is no cancer in the lymph nodes. They took about seven or eight from what the doctor told Jeff and my mother. I am still waiting on the pathology report from the actual lumpectomy but I'm expecting good news there as well. I'm just waiting for the phone to ring.

I have one drain under my right arm and it drains into a little bottle the size of a running bottle that I keep pinned to my shirt. I'm still bandaged up pretty good and my shoulder, elbow, fingers, etc. on my right side throb. I'm taking a lot of pain killers and it hurts to use my hand/arm and until the drains come out I'm not supposed to do a lot.

Well, the pain killers are kicking in ... it's time for a nap. I hope Grace hasn't set out more critters for me to find.

Fondly,

Ann

Step Two ... Scalpel Please

2009-08-30T20:26:00.002-04:00

I always wondered if the operating room sounds like it does on TV ... and tomorrow is my chance to find out. Except I'll hopefully be asleep all day.

Many of you have asked if I'm nervous ... I'm not. I've spent the weekend in Roanoke/Salem, VA with my mom's family. I have a horrible head cold and I'm dripping like a leaky faucet but it was a great distraction to keep me from wondering what tomorrow will bring. Anytime there is that much food in crock pots and 9x13 plates ... you know you'll have a good time.

Thanks for all the well wishes and the prayers. We're praying for clean margins and a minimal amount of lymph nodes to be extracted. My parents are here to help take care of all of us and I'm expecting a quiet week at home catching up on chic flicks.

Ann

PS ... Happy First Birthday to my nephew Isaac. It was great watching him eat cake in his birthday suit.

2009-08-17T21:16:00.004-04:00

It's been several weeks since I sent my last update and the photos above are from the girls first day of school. It's been very chaotic getting them ready, purchasing all of the school supplies, finding them close toed shoes, filling out form after form, etc. The first photo was this morning with their book bags loaded and ready to get in the car and set in carpool line ... The middle picture and lower picture are from "Meet the Teacher" day on Friday when they choose to dress alike (I'm sure the teachers appreciated that among all the confusion). School went well ... they marched right into class without looking back. I admired their courage. They are very excited to go back tomorrow. Quick story ... Grace told Rose last night that she would do the "I love you" sign in sign language and Rose responded that she would make the (NC State) Wolfpack sign back ... Fortunately, they just waved and touched each other gently during lunch which is the only time they crossed paths today.

I don't have all of their courage. I tend to look back ... but I've made a decision and I hope I don't look back ... I scheduled the next step in my fight. I'm going in for surgery on Aug. 31st for a lumpectomy. It was a luxury to have a choice to make and I'm praying for clean margins. I am most thrilled that this is even an option because it wasn't an option back in Feb. when I started chemo with a 6 cm tumor. But, the survival rates long term for the lumpectomy and mastectomy are virtually the same -- so I am going to start there. If I mentally can't handle the stress of not knowing and thinking it still could be cancer in my breast ... I can always get the mastectomy. I'm also going to have a sentinel node biopsy and axillary node dissection of my lymph nodes. My MRI of my lymph nodes looks good now (after chemo) but I'd like to get a clean report from my pathology on the 31st. I've had the lumpectomy described as much like the biopsy I had in Feb. The surgeon will use the same incision. I don't remember that one hurting me for too long but I'm just starting to realize what a fog I was in back in Feb./March when I started all of these treatments. The doctor reports it will be the incision under my arm for my lymph nodes that will be the most painful and will require drains. If anyone knows different ... call me ... Also, I tried to get my catheter/port removed from the left side of my chest (that's where they do my chemo infusions) but my oncologist wants me to keep it a few more months in case I need it again. That bothers me but I'm trying not to dwell on it. After all, Sports Illustrated is not calling me to be a swim suit model ... So that's the update from here.

Jeff is gearing up to work on the kids programming at church and seems to be adjusting to the idea of a lot of time at home alone. I'm working on a special, detailed PPT for my "honey do" list. I think he'll be volunteering at school just as soon as he can (we have to turn in the form first ...). So, we're all in a period of adjustment and new challenges in our lives ... but isn't that life?

I try to keep busy enough that I don't dwell on all the changes. But, as one of my favorite verses from the Bible ... Ecclesiastes 3

<< Ecclesiastes 3 >>
King James Bible

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

What time is it for you?

Ann

Good News and Good Times

2009-08-10T21:52:00.002-04:00

We've been out of town ... Jeff and I were very lucky to have my friend Nancy and Rebecca/Mark (my sister and her husband) watch the girls this weekend and we went to Blowing Rock. It was a beautiful weekend in the mountains especially since it was much, much cooler than Raleigh. We stayed at the Victorian Inn (highly recommend it) and ate our way through Blowing Rock. Throughout most of chemo my taste buds have been off kilter. Things just haven't tasted the same. But this weekend, I ate like a queen. Steak, pasta, chocolate, french toast, apple tart, etc. The town is small -- only a few blocks long and the people were so friendly that we started talking about retirement.

And, that's what the whole weekend was ... it was like a long conversation with a long lost friend. Jeff and I have talked a lot this year but sometimes it just feels like we talk about today or tomorrow. With the luxury of a weekend we took the time to dream and project out another 10 or 15 years which we haven't done for a long time. We'd talk about the girls starting kindergarten one minute and the results of my recent MRI in the next. We talked about options and surgeries between admiring waterfalls and vistas. We sat and sipped a glass of wine while we discussed the pros and cons of a lumpectomy or a mastectomy.

In a nutshell, the doctors have left the decision up to us. They've given us a lot of data ... and left the final decision up to me. I had a great response to chemotherapy according to my MRI last week so the option of a lumpectomy has been given to me. That's MAJOR improvement from where I was at in Feb. And, now the decision is ours to make.

I'm praying for guidance and wisdom and I think I've made my decision ... now I just have to call the surgeon ...

God Bless,

Ann

Soul Searching ... The Quest for an Answer Continues

2009-07-30T21:41:00.002-04:00

Last night on a walk around our neighborhood, out of nowhere Rose told me she was glad I didn't die during treatment and asked why I walked with the survivors at the Race for the Cure if I was still going to treatments and doctor appointments all the time. I wasn't a surivor yet. And, then the girls told me they were glad I was finally done. (Twenty weeks of appointments is a very, very long time.) I struggled with how to answer because I want to CELEBRATE the end of chemo ... but I am still facing several more months of various treatments. It was difficult for them to comprehend that I'm done with the first of three big and very different steps of treatment but that we celebrate our accomplishments as we earn them. I hope this all makes sense to them one day. It's certainly still surreal to me some days.

It's not for lack of great questions or healthy conversation with my oncologist today ... but I still don't have a concrete plan. I need facts and figures. So, I've got another more appointments next week for an MRI and a meeting with my surgeon to lay out the second phase which is some type of surgery. My sister, Rebecca, and Jeff and I sat with the doctor from 11-2 or so asking lots of questions and hearing lots of statistics. I was thrilled they were there for me to take copious notes and have a different and often clarifying perspective. I take a lot of drugs during chemo that leave me very foggy and difficult with comprehension so it's great to have four extra ears to rely on.

We are celebrating as a family this weekend the way all North Carolinians celebrate -- surf and sand. But, as I go to bed tonight I go back to my Scripture verse that I first latched onto when I was diagnosed ...I have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

Blessings to you all,

Ann

Preparing My Questions

2009-07-29T07:59:00.002-04:00

I meet with my oncologist tomorrow and I'm compiling a long list of questions. Last night with our power out, the girls in VA with my brother and his family, we sat in the garage watching the rain and furiously drafting our questions for the doctor. Has the chemo satisfied his expectations? What are the chances for recurrence in one year, two years, five years? What are tumor markers and where do I fall on the scale? Can he recommend a plastic surgeon? When will I get my life back? Will I always have heartburn? Is that the least of my problems?

It's anxiety for certain. Anyway ... the girls have been with my brother in Chesapeake since Sunday afternoon and they voted to come home. We've enjoyed the silence for certain but I'm really looking forward to seeing them tonight and hygging and kissing on them. Last night they called home thrilled with their new math workbooks and were so excited that they had already completed one book and were moving up to level 2. I hope we can bottle that excitement to last through college.

Please keep us in your prayers for guidance and peace during the next week as we meet with the oncologist and surgeon. Thanks for all your support.

Ann

Life in the "Chemo Suite"

2009-07-23T14:34:00.002-04:00

I haven't had much to say lately, or a lot of time to write. The "athletes" in my family have been very busy with softball, swimming and volleyball this week. The girls received trophies at a very grown-up and formal banquet last night. As a grown-up, it is easy to forget that trophy can bring so much joy and pride. Jeff's sand volleyball team, Silicon Dioxide (which is Latin for sand) lost their first game in the tournament but rallied at the local bar. His Asbury softball team has advanced in their tournament so everything seems to be coming to an end.

And, speaking of that, I'm writing from the chemo lab today. Lots of patients are coming and going here. After today, I only have to hang out in these green recliners with the catheter attached to my chest for one more appointment. I haven't "bonded" with any of the patients and most days I don't speak to them or them to me. We listen in on one another's conversations and look away quickly when we're caught. The group is diverse, although predominantly females in their 50s, and varied in our walks and reactions to the drugs. I haven't seen anyone get sick, which I was afraid of 19 weeks ago ... I thought people would be puking and hanging on by a thread ... at this lab we aren't that bad. The nurses are sweet (all female) and full of humor and compassion. It's like having a very attentive and knowledgeable wait staff at a luxury restaurant. My nurse has been Nicole. She's from Pennsylvania, has two sons younger than my girls and is very well grounded. She has made my Thursday's more than tolerable. I enjoy talking with her and look forward to our visits. I will miss her. I'm thinking of bringing her the same joke book Jeff used with me when he was giving nightly shots. She could use a few more jokes in her repertoire.

How am I? Better than last week. I'm still very anxious and almost nauseous at the word "mastectomy." I still don't know which surgery to choose although I have started leaning toward one.

Life sure isn't what I thought it'd be when I was wearing feathered bangs and fake leather pants in high school and projecting out what I want to do with my life. I wouldn't have chosen this cross to bear, but I've learned a lot about myself, my family and my friends along the way. Regardless of this not being the journey I would have picked, I certainly would not have been able to project how lucky I would be in so many ways.

I'm getting shots again this week for both red and white blood cell counts. They are both just a little low. Nothing serious. And, that's the update from Raleigh.

Fondly,
Ann

Strangers Come Forward

2009-07-16T04:38:00.002-04:00

So, the girls start school in one month ... another source of angst. And, the devotional yesterday that they sent out (private school) was dead on for me. I share it with you here ...

The question might be asked, "Are burdens and trials a necessity?"A man had a grandfather clock. One day he felt sorry for the grandfather clock because it had a weight on it, and that weight was always pulling on the clock. The man said, “Oh, Mr. Clock, you’ve held this weight so long; I’m going to remove it and let you rest.” The clock protested, saying, “Don’t take that weight from me. That’s what keeps me going.” In the same way, the trials and tests of life are there for your endurance. They’re to keep you going, keep you trusting, keep you praying, and keep you depending upon God. James shares that the trials and tribulations of life make us of "sterling coinage." He shares it is like a refiner's fire that ultimately brings greater purity and effectiveness in our walk with God. Let us praise the Lord because God is at work in our lives making us more like Him.

BIBLE MEDITATION:
James 1:3 - "Knowing this, that the trying of your faith works patience."

It goes onto ask you to thank God for the trials in your life ... not an easy task. But I also had several new acquaintances put in my life this week that helped by sharing their stories of faith, perseverance and patience. And, I had my family and friends lift me back up ... I'm doing much better emotionally. Thanks to each and every one of you for your prayers.

Like the clock, no one can take my weights from me. But the winding and the polishing and the tender loving care and the PATIENCE that you treat a clock with ... that is exactly what you've done for me. Thank you.

Off to chemo ... it's just a simple 5K remaining (3 miles/treatments) ... if I jog real slow I can physically do that this morning before I go. Listening to the birds, feeling the wind and enjoying my friends.

Have a blessed day.

Struggling with New Reality

2009-07-13T16:47:00.003-04:00

I haven't posted in a few days because I can't think of anything nice to say. Tonight my blog is an outlet. Writing is very relaxing for me ... hitting publish is the stressful point. Regardless of all that, I'm in a horrible mood and home alone. I'm fighting low grade fevers and everyone has upset me. As my mom used to say, I am mad at the world. She's right. For example, my hair is growing back gray. I know it ... I certainly don't need to hear it again. In all fairness I haven't heard that my hair is gray today but I'm still pissed about hearing it yesterday.

So, you may guess that I'm really struggling the last few days. Chemo hit me harder than I thought it might. I expected to breeze through the last month but frankly, I'm a basket case. Muscle fatigue and overall exhaustion set back in and couple it with a lack of a plan for moving forward and I am a hormonal nut job. There is no clear definition in my next steps ... and mentally I am wigging out. On top of that, it's a very stressful week at work ... (I know some people think I shouldn't be working but the reality is that I like my job and we really need the income) ... I just don't know where to turn. It's often easier to open up with a keyboard or an ink pen than it is with a "true" conversation.

Want another example? Yesterday with my sister (who is probably going to kill me for writing this) we discussed drains and fluids that will come after surgery ... it was a very casual conversation for everyone in the room but ME. I just wanted to vomit. This is my breast we're talking about ... not an optional surgery. It's cancer. I couldn't decide if I should cry or puke and in the end I just sat there looking at the crack on the ceiling hoping that proverbial hole would open in the ground and swallow me up.

I suppose I should get down on my hands and knees and pray. It just isn't coming. I'm mad and upset and I don't really know where to turn. I have stacks of cards from many of you telling me how strong I am and offering Scripture ... and the last few days that just isn't working. My eyes are blurry and I should be reviewing a PPT for a presentation I need to give tomorrow but my heart just isn't in it.

So, that's the raw form of me these last few days. I'm going through the motions. With any luck if you run into me tomorrow, you won't notice anything different or out of the ordinary ... I'll give you a smile and tell you "I'm hanging in there." And I am. I have to hang in there. No one else can do it for me.

That's the update ... in a rare glimpse of a very brutally honest me. Raw and uncensored. Hormonal and feverish. Grey but growing.

Ann "self-abosrbed" Camden

No Matter How You Grow

2009-07-08T20:53:00.007-04:00

In a house with so many "women", body style and hair are two very popular topics. Especially since my hair is growing. Tonight as I yanked my wig off as soon as we pulled out of a friends drive, Rose asked if it made me sad to be bald. It doesn't anymore and I said as much. I admit it helps that it's growing very quickly now and soon I'll get rid of the wig completely. Anyway, I asked Rose if it made her sad to see me bald and her very beautiful answer was, "No, I love you no matter how you grow." You can't get an answer much better than that. I just hope she still feels that way when she's a preteen.

Last week was only the second week all year that I didn't have to go to the doctors office. It was a good week to be on vacation in southern Indiana (that's a photo of my parents place). The temperature was very unusual ... only in the 60's and 70's. We got to spend some time with our family and friends and we hadn't been home in a full year. The girls lived life large as they picked black raspberries, washed a goat, climbed apple trees, walked a pig, caught a few fish, went to see the movie UP, toured Purdue and watched the Pekin parade and fireworks. It was a nice change from chemo.

Now that we're back, Grace is celebrating a fifth place ribbon in freestyle at the swim meet last night. Rose is coping but has shed a few tears and is very sensitive on the topic. Jeff is out playing volleyball for the night and I'm planning to go for a run in the morning before work.

Tomorrow afternoon is my fourth treatment and I'm dreading it. It's not the chemo treatment itself ... I've grown used to the side effects, the process and the terminology ... it's the week afterwards that has me nervous. I'm afraid of the end because I'm terrified of the unknown again. The next steps. The surgery, the radiation and getting on with life -- I'm afraid of what it may bring. I feel myself reaching out to God and praying with an intensity that I haven't in a few weeks. I am praying for peace, counsel, patience and wisdom.

... and that's my update ...

The Fifth Treatment

2009-06-27T07:44:00.002-04:00

I'm not sure if it was my medication or just stress from a very busy personal and professional week, but Thursday was tough. I had really bad vertigo with the room swinging from side to side, words on a page jumping around and total exhaustion. It certainly didn't help that I just can't seem to sleep a lot. At first I thought it was because I took my Benadryl too early in the morning and on an empty stomach. I have to take it before chemo and it seemed to kick the world off it's axis. Even this morning, Sat, I'm still having episodes where the world just isn't straight and steady. It's annoying.

My Physician's Assistant measured the mass again on Thurs. or at least she tried to. It's difficult to determine where the mass stops and the scar tissue starts. That's a good thing in that it's shrunk a lot. She really encouraged us to start thinking ahead to the end of July and what surgery options we may prefer. I was hoping for MRI results before we make that final decision. While my oncologist is known for his breast conservation, I still struggle with the thought of it coming back and lean towards total annihilation which brings up a whole host of other issues. She asked our preference and my preference is to never have cancer again. I don't ever want to go through this again. She sent us home with a stack of green papers to read about reconstruction options. I wonder now if that's a sign ... I have a lot of praying to do, I just wonder if I'm being still enough to hear the answers.

As much as I'm ready for chemo to end ... I'm especially nervous and anxious about August and the choices we'll make, the surgery I'll have and the girls starting school all at the same time -- separated for the first time ever. And, work is picking up momentum on a few special projects I'm working on ... I'd like to be able to close the deal on a few of those irons in the fire if I could just get more hours in a week.

For now, I'm going to celebrate that I get a week reprieve from chemo and hopefully the sweet corn is ready in the Midwest. We're all ready for a change of scenery.

Ann

It Probably Needs a Visual

2009-06-22T19:53:00.004-04:00

It was a busy weekend but I finally followed through on a promise to the girls ... we painted my head on Father's Day. Initially, the idea was that painting would help the girls better relate to me and it wouldn't be so scary to see their mom without any hair. In reality, they haven't missed a beat and have never been scared of me and my lack of hair. Of course, I've never truly lost all my hair. It's been the same length since the woman shaved it for me in mid-March. There were a few patches that fell out completely but all in all, I've always had some fuzz. With five more chemo treatments left, it seems that my hair is growing some and if we were going to paint my head ... we had to get it done. While it hasn't freaked me out not having hair, I can assure you that I wouldn't shave it just to let the girls paint my scalp. Long term I can assume that the girls won't remember when in the cycle of treatments that we painted my head but they will remember (and have plenty of photos to refresh their memories) the opportunity they had. They painted flowers, hearts, triangles and their names on my head. They were so gentle and loving, very carefully approaching me and laughing like they were getting away with something. There were a lot of giggles and kisses along the way. I highly recommend it. I'm not sure that it makes cancer any less scary for them and maybe they won't remember it all ... but I'll never forget it.

I'm not a real "physical" person and I haven't always appreciated the love demonstrated in human touch but the painting of my head was one of the most loving and gentle demonstrations of unconditional love that I've experienced lately. I'm so glad I did it.

Despite how glamourous I may make it sound -- cancer sucks. The irony of my hair starting to grow right now ... my eyelashes are falling out. I only have three or four on each eye. Freaky. Frustrating.

Hope you have a colorful week (and for those of you who are curious, I have hesitated publishing these photos ...)!

Chemo ... the end of a very quiet week

2009-06-18T19:58:00.002-04:00

Chemo today went fine. As I listened to two other women detail all their nasty side effects I had to thank God that I have been so lucky. There were no measurements today ... next week. And, the best news of all ... I am in the home stretch with only 5 more infusions. And, the icing on the cake ... no Procrit shot today. My red blood cells looked good so I didn't get an injection in my belly. I've never been big on shots that feel like fire going in and like you've been hit by a line drive softball for days afterwards. I'm thrilled to be nearly done and while I appreciate my nurses, etc. I'm ready to find better ways to spend a Thursday.

Jeff has driven to Hardy, Va to fetch the girls from my Aunt Becky's house. They've been there since Sunday. I understand she's running out of food because Grace is always asking for seconds. I'm wondering what she served them ... I heard the words "Lucky Charms" for breakfast. I used to spend a week with the Vernons when I was a kid and I'm thrilled they got the same opportunity. It was always a memorable time playing in their huge backyard, helping in the garden and riding on the boat. It's been very quiet here. Jeff and I have enjoyed it and gone out to dinner twice and a movie.

That's the update from here. My friend Paul from high school is coming to dinner tomorrow night. I'm reading The Shack and finding it a very unique perspective on religion. I hope to sew a little this weekend, swim a little and of course REST. Most important, I plan to celebrate Fathers Day with the girls and Jeff.

Have a great weekend.

Crazy Good Fun ... Followed by Extreme Quiet (it's long)

2009-06-14T17:58:00.004-04:00

A year ago, I would call this a race report. As runners from the Y, many of us recap our runs and send out reports of the weather, course, nutrition, etc. So, here is my race report from the Race for the Cure. Yesterday was wonderful. The Race for the Cure was overwhelming in a word. I had lots of fans there ... maybe 40-50 that I saw. My parents flew in from Indiana, my brother from Norfolk, Jeff's family surprised us and drove in on Fri. night from northern Indiana, friends I haven't seen in months, numerous colleagues, friends from Asbury UMC, quilters, runners from the Y ... it was a diverse crowd that I'm thrilled to call my support group. Normally I run this race so it was an insult to see the times I was posting as I walked. I was surprised by how thrilled I was to stop in the shade every so often to wait for one of our girls or play in a sprinkler. I was really disappointed I wasn't able to keep up with family and friends ... but by mile 2 finishing became all that mattered. And, I've heard that there were new friendships struck as my friends and family made new acquaintances.

One of my running pals, Courtney, came walking the course back towards me at about 2.5 miles and I was thrilled to see her. She told me everyone was waiting at the corner and that really moved me. I'm crying just thinking about everyone in Ann's Fans shirts standing there in the sweltering sun waiting for me to catch up. My mom, my sister, my aunts, some of my coworkers ... they waited for me. That really touched me. I wish I had something more profound to say ... but it really tugged at my heart. I have seldom felt such love from so many people. As we finished the race together ... a large group of us ... there was another crowd of Ann's Fans waiting at the finishing line and cheering loudly as they called my name as a "survivor." I wiped away more tears.

Throughout the day several strangers congratulated me on being a survivor and other survivors gave me words of encouragement. It was kind of awkward but comforting -- all at the same time. I participated in the survivors parade. That was odd ... as I looked around ... I didn't want to be there. I'm not sure I'll do it again. As I stood there listening to the speakers, I wished I could take off sprinting the greenway back toward the art museum, its one of my favorite runs. I wanted the ground to swallow me. I wanted to be home. Don't misunderstand: I want to be a survivor ... but I don't want cancer to define me. I don't want to always be thought of as a cancer patient/survivor. I'm sure the other ladies in pink survivor shirts don't want it to define them either ... the whole thing just seemed awkward so I slipped out of the crowd and walked back to my group where I really wanted to collapse in Jeff's arms in the shade and have a good cry. Instead, we walked to the car.

The Ann's Fans team came away with hardware! We were the largest team under the "Family and Friends" category. And, our clever rock-themed t-shirts that were designed by a local creative agency was recognized as "Most Creative" t-shirt. Thanks to many of you who read this for coming out and supporting our team or making a donation. I couldn't be more proud but I'm not sure I want to do it every year.

Afterwards, we had an awesome post pool party. I thought I was going to lose my lunch as Rose jumped off the high dive. That scared me as a mother. I was proud and concerned. She looked so small suspended up there in air. She barely hesitated. I used to love the high dive and I could understand her enthusiasm. I tried it once yesterday ... got a bloody nose. Grace was busy racing her aunts/uncles in relay contests. She stuck to the slide and talking smack about her swimming stroke.

After all the activity the last few days, the family in town, the heat, the physical demands ... I have done nothing today. It has truly been a day of rest. Jeff spent the day fishing off the coast (although I've heard I shouldn't count on a fish dinner). The girls have gone to my aunt's house for a few days and I have spent the entire Sunday watching television, reading, napping and a little quilting.

As I sign off, I'll post this ... Bernadene (Jeff's sister) recently sent me a card that had this very appropriate verse ... "I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you." John 14:18. (Ironically, she then came to the very race she was sending me a card wishing me luck at.) Each of you has brought me comfort during this fight and I thank you for that. It may sound corny, but God must have been there walking with us yesterday. How else could someone feel such reassuring love?

Have a great week.

Soreness, Shopping and Self Pity

2009-06-07T11:55:00.004-04:00

My muscles were pretty sore Friday night. I lifted weights and walked on Fri. and I think that contributed. It was the first full Friday that I've worked in months and it felt good to really feel like I contributed at work last week. There is a lot going on right now and I want to do my share, pull my weight, etc. But, by Fri. night I felt like I had a bad case of whiplash and the flu all mixed together. Even my chubby cheeks ached. And, the doctor called to prescribe another pill ... for potassium. It's huge and chalky. I'll be eating more bananas and spinach.

Sat. I went shopping with Rebecca ... funny story ... I was trying on hats at Macy's and I wanted to see what they looked like without my wig so I mention it to Becca who puffs up like a sister protecting her sister and says, "I dare anyone to say anything to you." I knew then I was safe ... she would protect me from any store clerks gone mad. So, I slipped the wig off, stashed it in my shopping bag and started trying on hats in my bald state. Red, black, white, pink ... anything cooler than the wig. The clerk watching over the area was wide-eyed but didn't say a word as I tried on all my hats, then put back on my wig and came over to pay. She never made eye contact. I would have never done it alone ... thanks Rebecca.

I'm sad and disheartened to think I have 7 more weeks of chemo. Suddenly it seems like it is dragging. I'm trying to stay positive but I'm tired. I've been reading about Job and David in the Bible and how long they suffered and how patient they were ... I'm running out of steam. I'm sure it wasn't any easier back then and I'm just feeling sorry for myself. But, I want my life back.

Ann -- is it over yet -- Camden

Holding Steady at Mile Five ... Seven to Go

2009-06-04T22:52:00.002-04:00

Well, nothing as exciting as last week. Of course, I didn't get an "official" measurement today so nothing to report there. The treatment was status quo and my red blood cells were borderline on whether I needed the Procrit but I got it just to raise my red blood cells. I'm struggling with the shot glass full of red wine each day ... you would think I could handle that. It just sounds horrible which is not my usual perspective on red wine, or white wine, or anything with alcohol in it really. In really wacky news, I had thrush on my tongue this week ... it kind of looked like the fungus that grows on mulch after a hard rain. Brown, thin and crusty ... apparently, it's relatively common with a weakened immune system. That night Jeff kissed me on the forehead that night. It looked pretty bad but went away quickly.

My long time friend Kathy took me to chemo today which was a huge treat. She is a two time survivor, 10 and 6 years. It was fun to talk about all the changes in treatments since her breast cancer diagnosis 10 years ago. We talked a lot about mastectomies and the decisions that Jeff and I will face in August. Her mastectomy became a big topic here on Sun. night when the girls realized that Kathy had breast cancer and a prosthesis in her swim suit. We had a big discussion about how loveable and great Kathy is and that it doesn't really matter what's under someones shirt. The girls asked a lot of questions. I tried to compare it to taking out a really bad splinter ... but I didn't want to terrify them and scare the girls into thinking that I will cut off their toe with scissors the next time they play outside without shoes on.

In a case of good news/bad news, I found out tonight that I will not be running the New York City Marathon in early Nov. I signed up right after I found out I had cancer planning to defer to next year if I was lucky enough to get in. I'll have to play the lottery again next year and so will Nancy. Darn our luck, I bet hotel rooms in NY will be down in price with this bad economy. (Yes, I do know that there is NO WAY I could run it yet this year.) I did have a great and very inspiring meeting with a doctor who runs a program that specializes in cancer and exercise. He runs a program for men and women who are finished with treatment but he helped me map out some reasonable goals that won't wear on my body but help me to maintain my muscle and just continue to keep a decent cardio base. I needed those positive words from "someone in the know". I'm going to do very light weights this weekend with one of the other executives from the program who can offer a lot of guidance. She is working on becoming a personal trainer specifically for cancer patients -- although she uses much fancier words.

And, we're starting to distribute the t-shirts and race packets for Ann's Fans. (My sister made us tie all the Race for the Cure shirts very fancy.) The shirts look great and we've raised more than $11,000. If you're local, I'll be calling you this weekend to find you. If you'll be getting it via the mail, you've got a few days yet.

Love to you all,

Ann -- not running NYC -- survivor

Praise the Lord, I've got massive shrinkage!

2009-05-28T21:23:00.002-04:00

The prayers are working. I can feel it and today I feel like I have tangible proof. I was healthy enough for chemo and just needed a little booster shot for my red blood cells/anemia. Nothing severe though. Jeff and I were THRILLED to hear today that the tumor is a minor 2cm or about 3/4 of an inch square. It also has no decisive edges and is more like a dense mass and not the solid and heavy rock that it was just about 10 weeks ago. And, we're about halfway through the chemo. I've had 8 total treatments and have 8 more to go. There was brief discussion about scheduling MRI's and scans in August before we make our surgical decisions. I'm torn, I welcome the idea of a treatment that is non-invasive as possible ... but I read recently an anology that I've taken to heart: "Cancer is like a terrorist group. You don't try to make peace with it. You annihaliate it and get rid of all the sleeper cells." I like that approach. I can sleep well with that approach for the next 50 years of my life.

And, I had the opportunity to stay home with Rose tonight while Jeff and Grace went to ballet dress rehersal. With twins, and probably all kids, its difficult to find time to spend with just one kid so it's always special to have that time. Rose found this book about a magic carpet with mazes and riddles on every single 32 pages and that was her top priority ... that I read to her. She was adamant that no one had ever read this book to her. I don't know where it came from ... but I read it. And, I loved it. Just watching her answer the puzzles and check the back and feeling her next to me and that closeness you get when reading to a child. We went onto make blueberry muffins and even do some beading (thanks Amanda) before Grace and Jeff came back home.

And, in case you didn't see it ... Ann's Fans (our Race for the Cure team) crested $10,000 earlier this week. I had tears rolling down my face when I saw that on Wednesday morning. My fans rock.

Thanks for all your prayers. God continues to bless us and amaze me ... that's worth getting out of bed for every day.

Ann

Exhaustion Crashes Down.

2009-05-26T18:43:00.002-04:00

We still don't know why ... but I had a fever today. I'm not "allowed" to have a fever over 100.4 and mine went as high as 102. Needless to say, we went to the oncologist for an emergency appointment. Of course I got there and didn't have a fever ... so I promptly threw up all over the lab. That got me some attention. I was assigned my own room and spent the next several hours having blood work done and an IV bag. They checked me for bacteria, urinary infection, respiratory problems, etc. No real reason for my fever. I'll be on antibiotics for the next week to help. And, they gave me a "revved up Tylenol" painkiller for some back pain and cramping I was having. Praise the Lord, my blood work looked good. I have healthy red and white blood cell counts ... so I do still have a working immune system. That was a huge relief.

Jeff sat with me the whole time and is the one who asked me early this morning if maybe I had a fever. He read a magazine for hours in this tiny little internal room while I dozed. I don't know how people go through this alone. There is a certain comfort just having him there with me. And, I have to send a HUGE THANKS to our friend Kellie who took the girls on very short notice and kept them most of the day. Again, it's our friends and family pulling us through all this that help so much.

It's the last day of online team registration. We're in fifth place which just clouds my eyes thinking about it. That's so much more than I ever dreamt possible. http://race.komennctriangle.org/site/TR/Race/General?team_id=21701&pg=team&fr_id=1070if you haven't registered. I think we have more than 100 people on our team. Amazing.

Praying for peace and comfort tonight. Grateful for all the love you've all continued to show our family ... even when we don't deserve it.

Taxol ... the third episode

2009-05-25T15:58:00.003-04:00

The third "bite" of Taxol went down as usual. Nothing out of the ordinary. My red blood cells weren't quite so great so I had two "booster" shots this weekend to elevate my red blood cells again. I didn't get measured this week and will do that again on Thurs. I feel confident the tumor is shrinking and look forward to the official measurement. I've spent a lot of this weekend lounging around as my back has hurt a lot.

On Saturday, I tried running with my dad. We made it a total of four miles and ran about half of it ... only the flat parts. Despite a night with not great sleep and a little vertigo, it was great to get out and see the neighborhood and hear the birds in the morning. Not to mention, running with your dad is just cool. I paid for the run much of the afternoon as I lounged a lot.

Jeff, along with my sister and brother, and especially my parents painted my kitchen. The topiary trees and teal walls are gone! YEAH. I've hated my wallpaper for nearly four years. It looks so much cleaner and larger with a nice, fresh coat of paint. Now I just need to hire someone to put in a ceramic tile floor in late June. I'm really lucky my mother volunteered them all ... I don't think I'll ever get them to do that again. It was a lot of work.

Jeff and the girls are at the pool celebrating the start of summer. I just needed some quiet time to recuperate from all the house guests and it feels good to just be still. I finished off a good love story as well, which always helps a girl feel better.

Happy Memorial Day.

Preparing for the Third Mile

2009-05-20T22:44:00.002-04:00

This second treatment has definitely knocked me back some ...although I've been pretty busy with a business trip to Greensboro that went great. It kept my mind busy and had me thinking about the future ... 2010 and 2011. My client was thoughtful enough to get me a special, comfortable chair for the long hours we sat in meetings and we had a good, quick dinner with a fantastic dessert (that I didn't share) and I went back to my hotel and watched my favorite Monday night line up.

I go in tomorrow for my third treatment of Taxol and my Dad (aka groovy grandpa) is going with me. We have an early treatment at 8:00 followed at mid-day by the girls graduating from preschool. I hope I recover from the two Benadryl I have to take first thing in the morning ... that usually puts me into a shady fog.

Sitting here tonight, I think preschool graduation -- complete with gowns -- is over the top. Seriously, how much of an achievement can this be? They can color, write their names, use scissors and sing a lot of silly songs ... and administrators somewhere think this deserves a parade of 5 year olds in robes? I don't get it. But, tomorrow when I'm sobbing as I realize that my five year olds are growing up fast and some days I'm not much of a mother to them ... that will get me. It will strike me that if I don't kick this cancer right now and beat this disease ... My five year survival rate is good, even admirable ... but that doesn't even get me to middle school graduation. I am suddenly afraid I may not see their high school graduation and this may be all I have. Two little girls in matching polka dot dresses with bangs that need cut, front teeth that are missing, small, bright orange sunshine tattoos on their forearms and wobbly in their shoes ... what if this is the only time I see them walk across that stage and get a diploma? I try not to look at things like this too often ... death can happen to anyone at anytime ... but the unknown nags at the back of your mind from some small dark crevice. I think it's a hidden side effect of cancer. Grace told me to video tape graduation so we can watch it again. We definitely will, Grace ... we will.

"As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you." Isaiah 66:13 ... Oh how I am glad I have the Lord to comfort me because now that I'm on the train of thought about living to graduation, my worries are taking over ... I need to go, sit and listen to the Lord ... for no one else can comfort me.

Good night. ... only one more week for online sign-ups for the Race for the Cure and Ann's Fans. Join us if you can and if you've already signed up ... thank you very much!

The Tenderness of a Child

2009-05-17T20:35:00.002-04:00

So, tonight I was lying in the floor tonight outside the bathroom door while Grace bathed. I was just moaning and groaning and feeling sorry for myself as my stomach cramped and churned. Food really hates me. But, the tenderness of Rose came through. She found me a baby blanket and a hug/kiss and sang me a tender sweet song she wrote herself about how she's there for me. It was really sweet. Just when I think they don't notice all that's going on around them.

We had a great Saturday at the beach with our friends the Jeffries. The girls caught all sorts of critters with the Jeffries boys. And, since Steph has a marine biology background ... that helps us Midwesterners learn a few names. They caught shrimp, crab, clams, fish and Stephen caught a flounder the size of a quarter. Amazing how perfect these little creatures can be and how they can have a place in the food chain. Really amazing creations. All the kids chased, played in the sand, jumped waves and just had a great time playing. I couldn't keep up with all the activities. I loved watching the girls play in the waves and shriek (especially Grace) with delight. I hope next summer is much better ...

On that note, I'm off to Greensboro for my first business trip of the year. Just a quick overnighter. I'm nervous. It's going to be a very long day leaving at 6:30 with a dinner tomorrow night and a lot of time in a chair. I just hope my back and stomach all hold together.

I found this Scripture tonight in my little bag of devotionals. It is helping ease my worry about the next two days. "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will take care of itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

Have a great week.

PS: our Race for the Cure team appears to be in fourth place at 70% of our goal ... that's just over $7,000. I can't believe all the donations. Team registration ends later this week.

Ann's Fans Rock

2009-05-15T07:20:00.002-04:00

Our Race for the Cure team, Ann's Fans, has raised more than $6,100. (And, there is still time to join us.) I am so amazed. Our team is in fifth place. And, tonight in my old stomping grounds back home in Indiana (or maybe northern Kentucky) ... there's a poker game going on and I've been promised all of someones winnings. I've been assured they don't play for Oreos like we did when we were in high school. The Komen Foundation doesn't accept Oreos.

On the second day of Taxol (out of 12 weekly treatments), Taxol gave to me ... nothing really. I had some munchies and was in a fog due to the two Benadryl I have to take before I go in. But, isn't that a normal day for so many of us? Otherwise, the nausea is dramatically reduced other than some in the mornings still. I laid around on the couch a lot last night and watched some hockey (GO CANES). My regular Physicians Assistant wasn't there at the office yesterday to measure the tumor so I don't know how much it's gone down. I was still anemic so I had another booster shot of Procrit. It causes some back pain later in the afternoons. All in all ... the second day of Taxol was good.

Jeff and I are going to a new parents coffee at North Raleigh Christian Academy this morning where the girls will start kindergarten this fall. It's a long way off but I am already nervous that my surgery will fall right about when they start school. I know it's silly to worry so far in advance but it just nags in my mind. Oh well, we're off to coffee ...

Have a great weekend!

The Lord said, "... You are precious in my sight, and honored, and I love you." Isaiah 43:4

http://race.komennctriangle.org/site/TR/Race/General?team_id=21701&pg=team&fr_id=1070

Ann

Hit Me Again ... I'm Not Afraid

2009-05-13T21:44:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow I head in for "round two" of the Taxol treatment. I've moved my appointments to the afternoon so I can work in the morning which already feels less disruptive to the work week. I just have to remember to take Benadryl at 10:30, that might be tough. I already dislike this new schedule of having to go every week as I feel like today food was finally getting its flavor back (it could have been the great Mediterrean salad I had for lunch). Someone special signed me up for the fruit of the month club and I've been enjoying papaya smoothies this week for breakfast. And, since the weather has gotten warmer and the vegetables a little fresher, I have fallen in love with a dinner salad again. So far my weight has held steady ... no gain and no loss. That's our goal.

I really can't complain as this week has been good to me. I was able to make four batches of strawberry freezer jam with Stephanie and Nancy after work. The mouth sores haven't been so bad this time and my energy level at work has been good. I still have a lot of heartburn and constipation but I'm taking a lot of medicine for those side effects.

So, for the first time I'm heading into chemo without the weight of dread draped over my shoulders. I feel good about what we're accomplishing and how my body is holding up.

"The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?" Psalm 27:1. This is my verse that I'm focusing on as I pack my "goody" bag for tomorrow. I am not afraid for what the medicine can do to me.

One week from tonight my parents come to visit ... cancer has changed me already ... I've not started cleaning the house ...

Hugs,

Ann

A Great Mother's Day Weekend

2009-05-11T20:33:00.004-04:00

We returned from our church camp last evening and I was exhausted ... in a good way. It was great to watch the girls run, swim, bike, play, sail, etc. this weekend. Rose is so proud of herself ... she and her dad went off a rope swing into the snake infested waters at Camp Don Lee and Saturday she carried around a frog for hours much to the delight of a group of boys. I was beginning to feel for the frog. Grace had a great time as well. She loved playing in the sand with her friend Barrett and jumping the waves in the Neuse River. She and I had some special sailing time as well -- I'm sure she would have enjoyed it more if the wind hadn't died. Jeff had a great time just being out and being social -- not to mention that rope swing. He's sore today. It was a lot of work for him to get two kids ready for bed and breakfast by himself but he did great.

It was a huge treat just to be out of the house for a change of scenery and the coastal area never looked so good. Everything is green and blooming and it all just seemed very vibrant. Even the group that went from the church seemed to be coming out of a "winter funk" and just happy to see everyone. There was a lot of happiness.

Needless to say the first Taxol treatment went well. I'm tired but not nauseous. I'm having stomach issues that I'm still working through and a little bit of heartburn. The biggest challenge of the weekend was probably being bald. I know that sounds vain but it's hard to disguise your shiny bald head when the wind is whipping around and you can't keep a hat on your head, when a bandanna feels like an oven and leaves you with sweat rolling down your cheeks, or when you're chasing a kid out of the shower (who was releasing crickets back into the field) and realize you have nothing on your head and you just startled a poor man walking to the bathhouse. Sorry about that, dude. It made me realize just how difficult it will be to spend the summer at the pool ... which is all my family has planned for the summer.

So, all in all, it was a great Mother's Day. God continues to bless us in many, many ways. This weekend was one of them.

Fondly,
Ann

One down ... Eleven to go

2009-05-07T18:37:00.004-04:00

I'm staring to look at this like training for a half marathon and today was my first treatment of 12 ... kind of like the first mile. It wasn't that painful and I didn't have any reactions. As my training continues, like marathon training, I'll have sores and pain and there will be days it will be difficult to get out of bed. I know this going in. Hopefully, this training plan won't be so sweaty and my laundry won't stink so bad.

The nurses continue to be thrilled with my progress. For measurable results, my tumor responded well to the first four treatments and I'm at a 2.5 x 4.8 tumor with about 2mm shrinkage in the last two weeks. The tumor is also much softer. It's not measurable, but my nurses are shocked that I'm getting out so much, working still, walking 3-4 miles a couple times a week and helping with the girls. I'm lucky I was very healthy going into this but I think I owe all the success to the prayers of my family and friends. Like a friend from Houston recently wrote, God must have big plans for you and it'll be exciting to see what they are.

We are heading out tomorrow. I miss traveling and getting out so I'm thrilled to see the big water. And, Jeff is just plum stir crazy staying here in Raleigh so much. So, he and the girls will camp and I'll head to my B&B tomorrow night. I'm really excited although I have everything I need here at home. Jeff continues to be handling this really well. He's always going to the grocery or pharmacy, he's handling more and more chores and meals, bath time with the girls and lots more. The girls are handling the extra stress and inconvenience really well. They picked strawberries today with their friends Simon and Steph today. Tomorrow we have Mother's Day tea at preschool. They are very excited to take me and I understand there is a survey about each mother where they had to guess our age and favorite television show and more. I am a littler nervous to hear those answers.

And, in other big news, by the end of the weekend we will likely achieve $5,000 in donations to our Race for the Cure team, Ann's Fans. We're nearly halfway there. We still have lots of room for more family and friends to join us. If you have not checked out our team page recently, there's a photo of my fuzzy head ... http://race.komennctriangle.org/site/TR/Race/General?pg=team&fr_id=1070&team_id=21701

And, here's my public service announcement for the day ... if you're close enough squeeze your mom really hard this weekend and thank her for all she's done. I hate I won't get to hug my mom but I'll definitely call her to say thanks for being such a good role model and an inspiration for the last xx years. I don't know how I'd get through this without your calls, cards and faith in me. Thank you. I love you dearly.

Hugs,
Ann

Sleeping In My Own Bed

2009-05-04T17:07:00.002-04:00

Great news ... no transfusion. I am thrilled. I get to sleep at home tonight. My numbers weren't great so I got an extra booster shot this morning but I wasn't low enough to need a transfusion. I'm not sure if it's the booster or the timing of the chemo cycle but I've fought back pain all day ... but it's better than a transfusion. And, I have a large, snotty nose that drips like a Popsicle on a hot day. I feel much worst than I did on the day I had to have the transfusion ... and today I don't need one. I don't understand the way God works ... but I'm thrilled that I don't need a transfusion.

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1 I'm still hoping for a good week with the Taxol chemo on Thursday ... I have big plans for the weekend. Mother's Day weekend is our traditional camping at Don Lee, on the mouth of the Pamlico Sound at the Neuse River. It's in cabins and all the food is cooked. We sail, we swim, we kayak, we lounge, we cook marshmallows ... the girls love it. But I decided that a cabin with cobwebs and no air conditioning or heat, public toilets and baths, etc. is not a great environment for me. So, I have a room reserved at the closest bed and breakfast. I'll bounce back and forth between the two; I want to be there with the family but I'm so excited about my B&B. I just miss traveling and getting out of Raleigh so I am thrilled to finally get out of our house! I can't wait. The whole family is poised for a weekend of fun!

Hugs,
Ann

Weekends Are Good

2009-05-03T22:09:00.002-04:00

My Race for the Cure team is in 7th place for fundraising ... wow that is awesome. I am proud and I am humbled. Please join us if you can. I'd love to see everyone. I even FINALLY figured out how to set up a page tonight http://race.komennctriangle.org/site/TR/Race/General?px=1408485&pg=personal&fr_id=1070 although I still haven't mastered a picture. Rose and Grace dictated their own commentary for their pages as well ... check it out.

I lounged most of the weekend. My brother came down to visit from Norfolk and was pleased to find me looking relatively healthy. We watched the Derby together, he and Jeff put out two truckloads of mulch, Rose relished in her financial windfall (she lost two teeth last week), Grace practiced her tricks on the swing set (which involves swinging with her hair dragging the dirt) and we met my sister and her husband at the Farmers Market for some shrimp. It was a good weekend.

I'm fighting more stomach issues today (could be the shrimp) and a nose that leaks like an old faucet. Otherwise, I'm good. I am visiting the doctor tomorrow at 8:45 and pray my red blood cells are high enough for chemo on Thursday without having to get a transfusion. So, that's my prayer request for the evening/morning ... lots of red blood cells. I'm off to have a piece of rhubarb strawberry pie to see if that will help.

More tomorrow ... make it a great week. Cinco de Mayo on Tuesday.

Love,
Ann

Getting Old or Getting Rest

2009-04-30T18:50:00.002-04:00

Cancer is getting old. I'm tired. I failed the blood test AGAIN. So ... I had to get a steroid shot. You're probably thinking, "why is she bitching about a little shot?" It's not the shot. I'm fine with those shots. But, I have to go back again on Monday to see if I'll need ANOTHER transfusion ... which means I have to reschedule meetings in the morning. Every time I seem to make progress in getting a glimmer of my life back, I have to reschedule everything for a doctors appointment or maybe a nap. I just want my life back.

I'm tired of hearing I should rest more but not let cancer run my life.
I'm sick of reading that I should exercise but getting shin splints after a decent length walk.
I hate not having any hair. My wig itches after 8 hours and I feel like a freak. I just want to yell at strangers that I didn't always look like this. I was normal.
I know I should eat healthy ... but lets look at the facts ... it hasn't really helped me much so far.
I detest taking pills ... about five every night and the same again in the morning, plus the shot Jeff gives me nightly.
I don't understand how I can feel pretty good but still be classified as anemic.

So, what am I going to do since Jeff is out playing softball tonight and I'm home alone?

I'm going to clean my bedroom ... I need somewhere clean to be with everything in place.
It may take all night, but I'm going to drink a glass of wine.
I will review the more than 100 cards I have received. I kept them all because they give me encouragement and some are butt splitting funny. :)
I will call my mom to vent.
I'll say an extra prayer.
And, I will rest so that I will have enough energy to go to the Ham and Yam Festival on Sat. night to hear the Little River Band.

I know a lot of people may be shocked to read this post tonight because I've been pretty strong and a lot of you have comment on that. Maybe it is the weight of a long work week, the lack of red blood cells, Rose losing two teeth this week, Grace being jealous of it, my friends getting to run the Indy mini without me ... I'm off kilter. Anyway, I'm weak tonight so please keep me in your prayers.

Ann

Sleeping My Life Away/ Race for the Cure

2009-04-27T20:45:00.003-04:00

Well, the weekend came and went and I stayed away from the computer ... mainly because I slept much of the weekend. It was hot and nasty. I made it to watch little sister do a triathlon and that was enough of a workout for me, after that I slept much of Saturday afternoon. She did great by the way ... she and Jeff took the girls strawberry picking in the afternoon and I slept through that too.

Backing up a bit, Jeff and I went to see the genetic counselor on Friday. For those of you on Facebook, you may have seen that he slept in the waiting room while we waited. I did not. I usually try to have a nonchalant attitude that "whatever will be, will be ..." but I was nervous. If I carried the BRACA gene, it means a much more aggressive battle. Fortunately, I don't have it. I do not have breast cancer because of the genes that they have identified with modern science. This is a huge sigh of relief. I was worried about having a potential double mastectomy (and who knows ...) as well as possibly losing my ovaries. But, without having the genetic marker, I'm just battling the cancer I have now and not a looming possibility of more (even though the rationale part of me knows that a chance still exists). So, for me ... I'm very optimistic. This is good news.

A friend of mine goes in for a mastectomy tomorrow. I really don't know how she does it. She's extremely strong and if she's reading this I hope she knows I'm praying for her. I don't know how they get patients in the door, I will need a team of mules to drag me in that door.

Speaking of teams, we have a Race for the Cure team. It's called "Ann's Fans" here in the June 13th Race for the Cure ... my office is very generously offering t-shirts for all who want one for an extra $10 donation to the Komen Race for the Cure. Just a little tangent, I've done this race for years because of the spiritual force of a friend that I call Kathy Wood ... last year was probably the first year in 10 years that I didn't run the race ... coincidence ... I wonder? It's a great race and always chokes me up to see the women in pink, I never thought I'd have a pink t-shirt of my own ... Although I have said my goal is to be able to physically run it and that's accurate, I want to be in good enough shape to run it, I'll be walking it with my support crew led by my husband and two five year olds, so please join us if you can. It's a good cause.

http://race.komennctriangle.org/site/TR/Race/General?team_id=21701&pg=team&fr_id=1070&et=vXE6FAodpxye7GzRlMwINA..&s_tafId=14320

This Concludes the First Phase of Chemo

2009-04-23T22:23:00.003-04:00

I survived the first round of chemo. Four nasty treatments and one blood transfusion later ... I am moving onto weekly treatments of Taxol. I have 12 of these to go and will start in two weeks.

Skipping backward, the transfusion was a non-event EXCEPT they didn't tell me it would take me 3 hours per bag of blood. I couldn't understand why Rosa -- my nurse -- kept asking for my lunch order. I let her know I had other plans for lunch, I was on my way to work. She looked confused. I was quickly informed that I needed to pick either a sandwich or a hot lunch ... I went for chicken fingers, salad and red Jello. And, from my corner room with no real windows although there was a nice flat screen TV, I sat and worked, slept and watched a movie from 8:00 until 4:00.

Jeff was there for most of it but Grace had a performance at ballet and it's important to keep them on track as much as possible so he went to get the girls. That's when my blood pressure plummeted. I did a quick prayer, "God, he will never trust me alone again ... lets find the problem quickly." It must have been a fluke. We switched arms and moved the cuff around and soon we had a more normal 102. Even the nurse looked shocked when it hit 85.

By the way, I'm A- ... I have type A tendencies but I'm working hard on a positive (still sarcastic) attitude and cancer is helping that ... seriously. Anyway, I wonder if the A- is a sign. I hope you were able to give blood or consider it the next time it comes your way. You can't really give blood to me ... but there is a big need for it out there.

Chemo went well today. My sister took me. The cyst is shrinking some and softening. It's at 3.5 x 4 cm. Taxol should continue to shrink it and then before we do surgery, we'll do another MRI.

It's a busy week ... Jeff and I meet with the genetics counselor in the afternoon tomorrow.

Pray for strength for me. My devotional continues to feed my spiritual side ... "... your strength will equal your days ... The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms." Deuteronomy 33:25-27. Those words used to be something that others might need ... but now I feel the strength equals my days as I employ "listening to my body" and scheduled rest stops along life.

It looks like a great weekend in Indiana and North Carolina this weekend. The weather is finally getting better. I hope you get out and enjoy it. Jeff is enjoying it, probably a Cheeseburger in Paradise and perhaps a margarita at the Jimmy Buffett concert tonight. I'm sad I can't be there but I'm not moping. I know over the many years I've worked that I've traveled and seen a lot of awesome things that he hasn't been able to share. And, marriage is about sacrifices and putting one before the other ... so I'm resolved that tonight is one of his nights and I hope he has a great time that he can remember in its entirety. And after that, I just pray he comes home safely and showers in the guest room before he gets within five feet of me.

I killed the polka dot background. It was wreaking havoc on my nausea.

Ann

Renew My Life: Give Blood

2009-04-20T21:37:00.004-04:00

People are always asking ... what can I do to help? And so many people have baby-sat, brought dinners, sent cards, offered prayers, arranged house cleaning, brought books, sent flowers and gifts ... we're extremely humbled and blessed. But ... if you're still asking ... give blood.

I have to get a blood transfusion tomorrow ... two units ... and I'm terrified. The whole concept freaks me out and scares me. To think: someone elses blood will be in me. This time tomorrow night, I'll be part someone else. (I wonder if I'll suddenly like salmon, enjoy coffee?)I've given blood before and I know a lot of people can't donate blood. And, I know I'm fortunate that the blood bank has blood for me to take. After all, I'm not an emergency. I can live without it. Nonetheless, I hope and pray the blood is clean and well scrubbed. So if you're still asking for what you can do: consider donating blood so that someone like me can get a good nights sleep without worrying.

And, from Psalm 119: "renew my life according to Your word ... renew my life in Your righteousness ... My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise renews my life ... He satisfies my desires with good things, so that my youth is renewed like the eagle's." David wrote these words in various spots throughout Psalm 119 ... so many times God gave him a new lease on life and I'm hopeful this transfusion will be a new lease for me as well. This passage was in my devotional I read every night and I didn't understand it at first ... but today I find hope in it, that it will bring me a new lease as well. God's promise renews my spirits every time.

And, that's my ramblings for today ...
Ann

Blessings Abound ... No Optical Illusions There

2009-04-19T21:53:00.004-04:00

We continue to be blessed. We had a spectacular weekend and even managed a date on Saturday afternoon. Jeff and I headed to the art museum for a relatively clean environment (not much to touch there) to check out the American Collection. We devoured a great brunch of a smoked trout salad and shrimp and brie crepes and polished it off with strawberry/rhubarb crumble ... spring is here. Strawberries and asparagus. Yummy.

After that ... my stomach has been pretty upset this weekend but I managed two, two mile walks. The fresh air did me good. All day on Sunday, my back has spasms every time I get up or down from a chair. Once I'm moving, I do really well. I have three different doctor appointments this week and its my last round of this kind of treatment ... I'm already starting to worry about the next drug ... Taxol. I'm trying not to complain.

The highlight of the weekend was a complete surprise as highlighted in the photo (that's me in the scarf). We've been blessed in so many ways during the last two months and this weekend was no exception. I hosted my quilt group, Galloping Horses, on Sat. night. Many of us have been getting together for nearly nine years and it's a group of nine to ten women from all sorts of backgrounds. They presented me with a beautiful queen size coverlet to snuggle up in. It's a pattern that I've always wanted to make but is probably beyond my skills and patience. In case the picture doesn't show up, it's a beautiful red and white pattern that is all squares and rectangles that are arranged in such a pattern that they create an optical illusion of circles or waves of color. It's breathtaking. I can't believe they set aside their own projects and really devoted some quality time to pull together something so spectacular in just under two months. I was speechless. Quilting is great ... you can take small scraps of fabric and create something beautiful, warm and unique but it takes a lot of love, patience and hard work and for that I am forever grateful to all nine of the women who worked on this quilt. I love you all ... thank you. I'm still speechless when I look at it. (The picture does not do it justice.)

Hope you all have a good week.

Ann

Is spring coming?

2009-04-16T18:54:00.002-04:00

Well, I was below average on my blood test yesterday across the board. So, I got another shot of Procrit ... which isn't working yet ... in my opinion. I go back for yet a second booster shot on Monday and meanwhile, we continue on with steroid shots nightly.

The girls are handling this really well. I am the recipient of many hand made drawings and there is always a little hesitation before they squeeze me to make sure they don't hit my port. Today I came home at lunch for a nap and they covered me up with my Snugi and Rose covered herself with a doll blanket and laid on the other chair whistling quietly. (For those of you who know Grace ... she was still eating ... slowly ... and talking ...)

I also made it out for a walk this morning with my girl pals, Steph and Nancy. We made it about 3 miles. It just felt great to be outside in fresh air and just talk about everything yet nothing in particular. They are both training for half marathons so I really appreciated them slowing to a walk for me. I don't think I can do it again tomorrow but I'm going to try a short run on Sat. (Only if I feel up to it Mom, I swear I won't push it).

Thanks for all your prayers ... and Kara if you're reading this ... thanks for the Australian chocolates. I'll eat them after the girls go to bed!

Ann

Just can't wake up

2009-04-14T20:43:00.002-04:00

Monday was a drag. I couldn't stay awake and had waves of pain and nausea most of the day ... needless to say I didn't go to work. Even climbing the stairs was a chore and nothing I ate tasted normal, good or even palatable.

Yesterday cancer got to me ... I was mad and depressed. Today I managed to make it to work and after a few hours of normalcy, I felt much better and rallied this evening to help make dinner and go for a quick walk around our very big block.

My devotional last night was on "Be not afraid." I think yesterday I was truly afraid and needed to hear this message. So many times in the Bible it tells us not to be afraid ... yet it's so easy to be terrified of the many unkowns.

I go back to the doctor again tomorrow thanks to Jeff. He's a great nursemaid. He called and told my nurse that I'm struggling and barely getting by ... so I am going to get another steroid booster shot in the morning to help boost my energy level. It's sad ... I'm looking forward to it. I'm way to stubborn to admit I need help sometimes ... I guess that is where we balance each other out. I don't know where I'd be without him.

Happy Easter

2009-04-12T20:27:00.002-04:00

It was a beautiful day ... from my vantage point on the couch with my eyes closed. Jeff's brother and his wife, along with their daughter and a teenage friend visited with us this weekend. That was great and another positive from having cancer, we probably wouldn't have got to spend that time with them without this diagnosis. And, they were a huge help ... decorating cakes, playing with the girls, making the lunch and dying eggs. It was a lot of fun and the girls especially loved the attention.

Chemo on Thursday went well. Friday, the girls were at the zoo all day, Jeff was volunteering at the church. I tried to rest. I watched a movie. I just moved a lot and I've paid for it on Sat. and Sun. I'm exhausted. I can hardly keep my eyes open and I feel bruised all over. I joke that I have bed sores on my shoulders from all my napping. I'm having a difficult time finding anything I want to drink ... suddenly everything has too much sugar. How could that happen?

While it is Easter and there are so many great Scriptures to reflect upon ... I'm looking at a card that has a quote from Emerson ... "Adopt the pace of nature; her secret is patience."

Happy Easter Everyone

Chemo ... Round Three

2009-04-10T08:41:00.003-04:00

It seems like so much more. It's been a busy week again. Wed. night we hosted our friend from college, Joe Hoff. It was great to visit with him and remember some old time and fantasize about new trips to take.

The girls were off to doughnut day and playing with friends and didn't even miss us. The tumor shrank another centimeter. My blood counts passed ... but I'm fighting anemia. The nurse recommended a few ounces of red wine. I like her. Between the four anti nausea medicines I take, I don't have much of a life in the afternoon. I was asleep. I did make it out of Danny's Barbecue on my own two feet. I slept the way home and afternoon. I did manage to walk about 1/2 mile yesterday afternoon down to the dam at our lake.

The girls are at the zoo today and I'm checked my current email at work and feel comfortable it's time for a nap. As soon as I get Jeff properly on target for his honey do list.

Jeff's brother and his wife and family are coming for the Easter weekend. Stupid me let Rose tear up a piece of packing foam in the playroom ... so we have some last minute high volume vacuuming to do. But, I did finally get the Christmas stuff out of the living room. So, I'm calling it progress.

Posted a family photo from this fall. I hope to take Easter photos of all of us in our polka dots. Happy Easter to everyone. Please take time and remember that God sent his only son as a sacrifice to us ... what have we done to make a sacrifice for him?

Saving Second Base

2009-04-06T21:08:00.003-04:00

Several people have asked about our t-shirts ... here they are at their debut on March 18. Nancy found them -- probably at Cafe Press. It's hard to read but below the "softballs" it says Save Second Base. Nancy is on the left and Steph is on the right. (This is before my haircut(s)).

And, I didn't pass the blood test again this morning ... this time I was given EPO. Long word for the steroid all the professional cyclists use. So, I've given up the dream of winning the Tour de France this summer. I'm a "doper" in the world of cycling. Seriously, it should give me more energy and help my blood cell count.

My head/hair hurts. It feels like someone is yanking it out.

My prayer for the day:

"... it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright!"

1 Corinthians 13:12

Actually ... cancer sucks

2009-04-05T22:32:00.002-04:00

I've spent most of the last 45 minutes in the shower cleaning the stubble off of me ... not a crew cut now. Much of it came off in the shower and I assume the rest will follow in the next 48 hours. It was like I couldn't get all the little micro hairs off of me. Disgusting. Humiliating. Humbling.

Just when you think you're standing tall ... cancer knocks you in the knees. It sucks.

But, as I just reminded a friend who has far bigger hurdles than me ... we will survive and prosper throughout all of this and God will be with us. But ... being in the deep end of the sea and with shaky confidence in your swimming ability ... well, that sucks.

As Trace Atkins just said on the CMA's ... "You're gonna miss this ..." I will miss hair and it will be really hard to look in the mirror. I'm gonna miss my hair.

Ann

Bring It ...

2009-04-05T21:42:00.002-04:00

If this is chemo, I can survive it. Since my last post, I've been pretty healthy. Other than going to bed pretty early most nights and several naps this weekend, I've been very, very lucky. Last week I managed to lift weights and do a short 3 mile run on Sat. It was slow and painful but I made it through it and rewarded myself by an extra hill just to admire the azaleas on the next street over. The weekend was beautiful and I admired my grandmother's peonies which are coming up all over my front yard, my hostas and the thick layer of yellow pollen everywhere.

I do get mouth sores right toward the end of my vacation and just prior to my next treatment. So, my friends from church hooked me up with Biotene mouthwash, toohpaste and gum. It's not my "regular" flavors ... but I'm thrilled and have been using it all weekend. And, last night I tried some "homemade" mouth soothe and seal that was given to me by a good friend. It's supposed to seal over the canker sores. I nearly glued my mouth shut. I figured several people reading this will break into my home to apply it liberally ... it did cure the sores.

My hair is a big question from everyone ... it's still there but is definitely coming out. For the most part it looks like a very close crew cut. I'm getting used to the stares and second looks in public if I wear a scarf or bandana and it's tough but I'm walking on into the gym or the hardware store ... even work on Friday, I wore scarves in the morning. The wig is nice, it just itches some by evening.

I go in for routine bloodwork in the morning and I'm praying that white blood cells will be high this time. Last time I was anemic and the booster shot caused a lot of skeletal pain. I have a full three days of work and life before my next treatment so I'm hopeful my naps and rest this weekend will help me "make the grade."

Have a great week!
Ann

Tears of Perserverance

2009-03-31T20:10:00.002-04:00

So, yesterday I had to leave work. I was overcome by nausea and dizziness and I was seeing double. It was humbling and frustrating. I was pissed. I should be better than that. I had to ask Jeff to come get me and he looked frightened when he met me at the door. I felt pathetic.

And, I shared my frustration with my running partners and Nancy ... who must live on the Internet ... sent me this video. It's Derek Redmond finishing the 1992 Barcelona Olympics and his Father coming out to help him across that line. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1YhP5zSicdk The music and the text is beautiful, it's about how our heavenly Father is here for us ... not sitting in the stands when we need him. It had me in tears sitting at my desk earlier today but I can't shake the image of Derek crying on his fathers shoulder. It goes along with the devotional I'm reading called "Bend in the Road" which is all about how cancer is just a disruption and a bend in the road and how you never really learn anything if it's handed to you ... that you have to work for things and you learn more from suffering than any other way.

So yesterday I weighed in on my Father's shoulder ... and although it still doesn't explain why this is happening to me. But it feels good to know I'm not alone. And, I'll tell everyone that a lot of good things has come from this cancer already ... but it was a really tough way to start the week.

Today was a great day. I went for a short run and a good walk. And, everyone in my office wore a hat in support of me. Nearly 40 ball caps, fedoras, etc. all worn for the duration of the day. It was humbling and a great show of support. I couldn't adequately say thank you today and I need to but I was afraid I'd break down if I said much ...

Onto tomorrow ... thanks for all your prayers. They get me/us out of bed in the morning.

Feattthhherrrs (feathers)

2009-03-29T20:32:00.003-04:00

Several people have asked what the girls reaction has been to my hair ... the girls say it feels likes feathers ... except they can't pronounce it very well. So, it comes out feattthheerrsss. That means when you push it one way, it's soft. When you run your hand against it ... it's kind of prickly. They aren't afraid and Jeff actually really likes it (or so he says). Grace loves to wear the hats and Rose is enjoying picking out my earrings because they really show up now. We did keep all my hair to give it to the birds for their nests ... but we're waiting for it not to be so windy to put it out. I did save a lock of the hair for my own scrapbook ... just in case it doesn't ever come back, or comes in gray. I'll have a lock to give to my stylist to match.

The wig went over well at church today so I'm off to work tomorrow to see how it will go. With not a doctor appointment on the calendar this entire week, I have plenty of time to wear it.

And, I made it on a walk today. Not fast and certainly not speedy. But, I managed to make it about 2 miles (or Nancy will correct me). I just can't believe last week I could run and this week it was hard to walk a distance.

It was a great spring day though. It was lovely weather. I'm craving watermelons again (same thing as when I was pregnant) so we polished off taco salads for dinner and then we ate a watermelon for dessert.

Two posts in one day ... hope you each had a great day. Thanks for all the support.

Love to you all.

Another rainy Saturday

2009-03-29T06:14:00.002-04:00

I was finally awake most of the day again ... of course it rained all day and like anyone else ... I wanted to get out. Jeff and I attended a "Get Real and Heel" program for exercise after chemo. I'm probably a little ahead of the curve on that one but what drove really hit me was that Jeff sat in a room full of older women as the only man and was very supportive. I don't know if I would have stayed without him.

It was my first time out of the security of our house in my scarves. No wig yesterday. And, we ended up at lunch with our friend Scott who, bless his heart, treated me just like normal just barely asking about the scarves, and even then very complimentary. My confidence soared. The girls have asked me to wear the wig to church this morning ... I'm sure they'll tell everyone at first. Since the hair hasn't completely fallen out yet and it's like a buzz cut, we haven't painted my head yet ... but the paint is on the counter waiting for a shiny spot. So far, they've been very good and Rose seems to like it very short.

I'm still studying Paul from the Bible. How strong he was and how dedicated to a cause. I keep looking for his strength in my fight. I'm humbled to see all the obstacles that are put in front of him and how he always has a positive attitude.

Jeff is taking my mom to the airport right now. I'll need that inner strength from Paul in the next two weeks. We're hoping Jeff's brother will be through here for the next treatment just before Easter. That's when I sleep the most and Jeff goes back and forth to the pharmacy the most.

Thanks to everyone for the cards, the meals, the flowers. I'm slowly making it through thank you cards ... but please know that your words of support humble us, comfort us and lift us up during the bleak days.

And, Mom ... thanks for coming. We'll miss you dearly this week.

Love,
Ann

What's Vanity ot to do with Chemo

2009-03-28T06:04:00.002-04:00

Well, after sleeping nearly every hour of Friday. I stumbled out to pick up my wig. Except ... to do it justice we had to shave off the rest of my hair. Which, my aunt Becky will be thrilled to know ... we kept to give to the birds and the bunnies for their nests. It's a circle of life, right?

I look pretty funny. Kind of like Demi Moore In GI Jane. Fortunatley there are no budding lumps where my horns should be. The wig that Rebecca and I picked out is great ... a very casual wig with style but not really well coiffed. And, we learned how to wrap scarves and caps and when to wear what ... it was very insightful. My colleagues gave me about six scarves that I'll get plenty of wear out of and I have three or four hats.

The chemo itself has gone well this time. I'm sleeping more than I thought possible but my stomach isn't as queasy. My mouth is bone dry. People have dropped by outstanding meals like soups, stews and casseroles. We are well taken care of ... what a blessing that has been. I'm glad it's raining so I don't miss going outside.

I could use a walk and signed up to go to an exercise and chemotherapy type seminar for mid-morning. Jeff is taking me. Even a walk would be a welcome form of movement ... if I can just stay awake long enough.

Hope you all have a good weeekend. Squeeze someone you love,

Ann

Chemo ... Round Two

2009-03-26T19:12:00.002-04:00

Day Two at Chemo ... I slept better but there was still a lot of pain from the port. Jeff finally made it in from the hockey game at 1:30 and then I woke up at 5 for a walk ... except it was raining so we went back to bed. It's nasty and rainy outside today kind of like my perspective on the chemo.

We ran into some issues cutting the tape and bandages off to access the port but with just a few tears squeezed back (for Mom and me) we made it through so they can use the port and leave my veins alone ... YEAH.

The best news of the day came from my first measureement two weeks ago, the tumor was hard and about 6.5 cm x 4.5. A monster. The first treatment softened the tumor, a good sign and we shrunk as well. To 4.5 x 5. Fantastic.

We've switched up a few cocktails and I slept most of the afternoon but the nasuea ins't too bad. I had a hamburger when we left chemo, a long nap, a short walk (just one half mile) and now I am watching Purdue and UConn. I hope the score turns soon.

I'm reading the book Bend in the Road when I can and all about Paul and the many, many tribulations he had. Take these thorns he cried ... I feel the same way. Another study I read recently mentioned was deep water and how terrified people can be of deep water ... I love deep water. It allows you to explore more and challenge your body more ... maybe deep water is like my cancer. Who knows?

Small handfuls of hair are falling out. So, I'm going to get the wig and lessons on using a scarf tomorrow. We'll need to sweep our bathroom floor and change our bedroom sheets too. I many have much hair but it seems to be falling fast.

Thanks to everyone for all the cards, home made remedies, food, flowers and cards. We feel so blessed to have so many people helping us out. Thank you all.

Go Boilers!

You're from IU? I'm Gone.

2009-03-24T20:19:00.002-04:00

So, in the middle of my procedure today, I asked the doctor where he went to medical school ... Indiana University? Gulp. And, undergraduate at Notre Dame. I was ready to leave but the three nurses hovering over me that looked like the three good fairies from Sleeping Beauty convinced me to stay. I mean really ... IU? And, he looked so young.

He put the port in my left side with a small incision on my neck and another just below on my ribs about two inches down. It hurts like I've had my collar bone broken, something stuck in my throat or strangled. It's hard to turn to my left. Fortunately, I don't have heartburn tonight.

Jeff took the opporunity to go upstairs and mingle with the folks in the chemo lab. He got me hooked up with a new nausea medicine and a low dose blood thinner. And, some funky cream to use on my port to help numb the area before I go in on Thurs. for my next chemo treatment.

Rebecca took Rose biking and Grace went to ballet. Mom helped me out.

I'm trying to keep a positive attitude. No tears. No fears. I'm ready for that.

Off to bed ...

Ann

Run. Rest. Run.

2009-03-23T10:07:00.002-04:00

Well, Friday was one of the toughest days I have had. My white blood cell counts weren't as high as what the doctor wanted ... so I had to get a booster shot of Neuopgen. They did it in my arm "wings," that bit of flab most women have, and it hurt like being hit by a baseball. Then my back went crazy during a long meeting I was in ... true spasms. I nearly cried during the meeting.

To end an already long day, I had a long ride to Norfolk with Mark, my brother-in-law. I took my pillow and new Snugi and lots of mouthwash/mints to wash for mouth sores. I think I had at least four canker sores at the time. Very painful. Fortunately, the metal taste is gone as I've gotten further from my chemo treatment ... and Mark told lots of stories to keep my mind off the pain.

I rested most of Sat. I took several naps and nearly got rid of the bags under my eyes. I skipped watching my brother,sister-in-law and hubby run the 8K to stay home and watch the baby ... we both took naps.

Sun. morning I headed out with Dad, Rebecca (my sister) and Mark to run the half. Normally, I'm not a cheater. I'm against it. It's for losers. But, I couldn't run the entire half, my back was tender, my shoulders ached. It was 32 degrees. So, I planned to run half of the half. The people watching was top notch -- there were all sorts of funky tights and costumes but the women I zeroed in on were wearing the "survivor" shirts. Two women. One in her 60's and one in her 40's. I wanted that t-shirt.

I ran the first three miles with Becca and Dad. They looked strong when they jogged on up the road. Thankfully, Dad shed his jacket and I wore it. As I stood there for just over an hour, I was shaking in the cold. I got to see the gazelle like leaders make the turn at mile 9.5 where I waited. They were so intense. During my wait, I thought a lot about running and how many different shapes, sizes, colors (some men were painted green), skills, etc. were out on that course. How much I wanted to be there in the steady stream of runners and I pondered what races I'd like to do when I get my clean bill of health. And, I got angry that I've been told not to do this race when all I hear is how good exercise is for you. Who knows where to draw that line?

Finally Becca and Dad started waving from the crowd and I jumped back in. They looked strong although Dad was shuffling a little. We passed this house making home fried chicken which smelled awesome. Everyone cheered for "Frank" as we passed. I'm not sure if it was because he was shuffling, his beanie that made him look like a priest, his grey hair or the beauties around him ... but he got a lot of cheers. Rebecca and I started pointing out to folks that this was his first which got him even more attention.

We finally turned the corner onto the boardwalk and could see King Neptune above the crowd. What a sight with the Atlantic Ocean to our left and the finish line ahead. We hammed it up for the cameras and I asked if we could do it again next year -- except next year, I'll run the whole thing on my terms ... not a doctors. My whole family was at the finish line wearing funny hats -- with a beer mug, a shamrock, green and white stripes ... I love my family.

I nearly cried at the end and I'm so proud of my Dad for running it. My sister for inspiring him and him inspiring her and so on. You never know when you're being inspired or inspiring someone. Bec and Dad looked sore when we left yesterday, Mark was moving good, I felt great. I'm sure I did the right thing by listening to my doctors ... but I don't like being told I can't do something.

Tomorrow morning I get a port put in my chest to help save my veins and Thursday I have chemo again. My scalp hurts ... but my hair hasn't fallen out. I'm not complaining but it makes me worried that maybe the chemo isn't working. It should fall out on Wed. if the doctors are right.

Sorry it's so long ... but that's the update.

Go Boilers!

... a good time was had by all ...

2009-03-19T16:16:00.002-04:00

We had a HUGE throwdown of a party last night. Our yard looked like a college campus this morning. It was ugly. The kids used their plates as Frisbees. But, the night was great ... a terrific reminder of how many great friends we have in the area (or how much people like pizza). I think we were upwards of 70 people flowing through the house. Thanks to all who stopped by or called.

Today I got my pixie cut. If you've ever seen Hook with Julia Roberts ... I look like her now. Well, not exactly. I like it ... but it's short. Sometime this weekend my hair should get thinner and then next Tues/Wed it will fall out. Suddenly, it all seems very real. Scary real. Driving to the stylist ... who made me feel like a million bucks ... the tears were flowing as I listened to Martina McBride's song "In My Daughters Eyes" ...

This miracle God gave to me

Gives me strength when I am weak

I find reason to believe

In my daughter's eyes

Tomorrow morning I head to the doctor office for a blood draw. They'll check to make sure my Neuopgen is working. That's the daily shot that Jeff gives me to help guard against infections and raise my white blood cell count.

Go Boilers ... that was closer than it needed to be.

Ann

Happy Birthday to my Partner!

2009-03-18T07:29:00.003-04:00

Today is Jeff's birthday. Jeff traditionally calls March ... "Jeffmonth" and this year he hasn't been able to celebrate in true Camden style. But tonight we've got loads of folks stopping by to play Guitar Hero and grab a slice of pizza. If you're in the area, swing by. Make him laugh ... celebrate life.

We met with the radiologist yesterday afternoon for an enormous stretch of time. She was thorough and detailed and we rehashed a lot about tumor sizes, family history of cancer, genetic testing and mastectomy vs lumpectomy and lymph nodes. We won't actually see her again until very late this year after 20 weeks of chemo and surgery plus a few weeks of healing. Jeff liked her. And, I liked her. But she scared the crap out of me. Lots of statistics about death and survival rate, radiation failure, cancer because of radiation, burning skin ... etc. By the end I was sure she had horns.

The heartburn continues and I'm calling in for a prescription for that now ... I hate taking pills. Ambien was going to cost me $20 a pill ... a little steep ... so I need to ask my doc to call in for Lunesta as well.

The highlight of my day was THE RUN. It was the camaraderie, the birds singing and the outfits. Nancy purchased three t-shirts for us to wear and when I showed up at six ... she and Steph were crouched behind a car ... wearing pink t-shirts (which is odd for both of them) and jumped out sporting "Save Second Base" t-shirts with baseballs strategically positioned. With a little glow in the dark paint strategically put on the "stitching of the balls" these could be a riot of a running shirt. I slipped mine over my head and off we went, four miles later when we proudly walked into the Y ... not a man would make eye contact. It was hysterical.

Happy Hump Day. I get to see my parents this weekend. I've never wanted to see them so bad in my life ...

Ann

One Month Survivor

2009-03-16T22:12:00.002-04:00

So, my friend Kathy told me on Day Two of the diagnosis ... you are already a survivor ... you're surviving with breast cancer. Today is my one month anniversary of being diagnosed. Now I have a survivor life span ... How so much changes in one month ...

I have serious heartburn (physical) tonight and my mouth sores are coming, I try to drink water and it's horrible. It's like the city suddenly dumped heavy metals in there ... I used to hydrate like a champ. I'm using organic mouthwash ... like four times a day.

I worked a solid day today and it felt great to focus on something else. I even put in a few extra hours tonight to make up for tomorrow when I go to meet my radiologist. Usually when I filled out the paperwork for a doctor, I always skipped over medicines and previous illness ... I have nearly 10 medicines I've taken in the last week if you include heartburn and Vitamin I. Times have changed. If you get to skip all those sections 3-5 full of medicines, medical conditions, etc. you should hug yourself.

I'm supposed to meet my running buddies in the morning. Should be an interesting testament to my self discipline. They tell me they have something for me ... since it'll be dark outside ... I hope it glows.

Love to you all ... if you're somewhere where it is not pouring outside ... look up at the sky for me ... I am over these four days of rain.

Ann -- a one month survivor with heartburn

Purdue won the Big Ten Tournament

2009-03-15T18:42:00.001-04:00

What more can I say? We smelled like chlorine, fresh from our swim, we watched it with my friend Nancy, she came over ... and the girls are painting in their toy room ... giant block P's. We're making chocolate covered strawberries for dessert. I'm calling for sleep aids in the morning ... life is GREAT.

Go Boilers!

Sleep ... why does it escape me?

2009-03-15T04:38:00.003-04:00

Last night, I couldn't fall asleep until 4:30 and tonight I awoke at 3:30 ... I have to switch medicine. Last night it was nausea, tonight it was my bones hurting. I ache from the Neuopgen shots that Jeff gives me. The argument is legitimate that I overindulged on both days. I watched too much basketball (YEAH BOILERS), quilted, read, shopped, worked out at the over crowded YMCA, cleaned up a bit around the kitchen, etc. I 'm legitimately tired.

The girls are doing well. Rose has her tonsils swelling again. She is still on medicine. Her eyes light up when we talk about painting my hair with flowers, hearts, X's and O's. She and Grace want to know if it will grow in that way when it comes back. I thought I marketed this as a once in a lifetime event. I need to read our contract. I'm afraid to sleep ... what if they start painting in the night ... and I wak up looking like a rainbow. I'm planning on taking them to the indoor pool at the Y tomorrow after church. My bones could use the weigthlessness and we could use the laughter. Sadly, my vanity could use one more trip, even in a fitness swimsuit to the Y before I shrink or swell and lose all my hair. I'm starting to have anxiety about all this.

Tonight I almost lost it. I had a great afternoon shopping with my sister for Easter outfits, birthday gifts and wigs. I splurged on something for myself that a benevolent Aunt sent me (wink, wink). I was thrilled. Then our fridge went out. Long story, we hate the fridge. We should be redoing the kitchen this spring and a new fridge is not out of the question ... but not today. Not now. We dialed up Jeff's dad, aka Mr. Fix It, and by then Jeff had a solution. Half of our outlets are shot and we have ground fault issues. We need to buy ice trays. I really thought I was going to kick the fridge and throw a tantrum over it ... an icebox ... I mean seriously ... why doesn't anything work forever.

Well, that's a pretty bitchy post for me. I'm tired and cranky, looking forward to swimming in the afternoon since its going to rain again all day.
More positive posts tomorrow.

It's not really Scripture ... but what is the history/background of that song "One toke over the line Sweet Jesus, one toke over the line, I've been sitting right here in a railroad station ..." Is this about drugs or going home? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ye3ecDYxOkg It keeps running through my head ... Lawrence Welk calls it a modern spiritual. Hmmm.

It's 5 here now ... I guess I'll check the office mailbox and whittle through some of that. Remember Boilers play this afternoon around 3:30 ... go Boilers!

Where does the time go?

2009-03-12T20:53:00.000-04:00

Don't ask me ... I don't know. Yesterday I participated most of the day in our shareholder meeting until around 3:00 or so. I hated to miss out. I know it's silly ... but I'm afraid out of sight, out of mind ... but I had to balance that with the potential for throwing up on someone so the phone conference seemed a win:win.

And, I slept all day today. All those nights of sleepless energy are gone now. I have slept like a baby for several nights and days now. Today I woke up, showered, dressed and after a bite of breakfast ... I changed into comfortable clothes and headed to the couch. I didn't see much of the rest of the day. I rode in the car with Jeff to pick up the girls this afternoon. Another problem, I am not drinking fluids like I should ... nothing tastes good. I've tried orange juice, Gatorade, Ensure, milk, water, etc. Nothing tastes the same.

Someone sent beautiful flowers to my office. There was no card which means I can't send a proper thank you. It has a beautiful verse from Zephaniah 3:17 ... "The LORD your God is with you. He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love. He will rejoice over you with singing." I wish I could send a proper thank you.

Well, here comes Jeff with a syringe loaded and headed toward my belly fat ... good thing I have all this cushion to utilize ... it's to help my body fight infections. Darn, he's fast ... and smiling like a cat that caught a mouse ... YIKES.

Love,

Ann

One day down

2009-03-11T11:44:00.000-04:00

I made it through my first appointment. It wasn't bad. Just a lot of setting in my LazyBoy and waiting for the drugs to drip. It starts with a few anti-nasuea pills, plus another one via my drip, followed by two different official cancer killing drugs. I have an assigned nurse from Philly and she sat there with me most of the time checking my symptoms, etc.

I made it home and I was pooped. I slept most of yesterday and all night. I wanted to go for a walk but I couldn't handle that. No energy. I got sick a couple of times but hopefully the girls didn't notice. I want them to be protected from that.

Today is our anniversary ... 14 years of wedded bliss. We had pizza after our reception ... I guess this is the "in sickness and in health". Jeff is a trooper, a real prince and I'm lucky to have him ... even when I don't show it. We are already talking about a trip to the beach, or maybe Napa/Sonoma for our 15th year and as my pie in the sky ... for our 25th wedding anniversary, I'd like for all four of us to go to Paris. There's a light at the end of tunnel.

That's all the energy I have for the day. Grace still has a slight fever and Jeff made it to doughnut day. Rose is perky as can be.

Ann

And ... they're off ...

2009-03-10T07:12:00.000-04:00

Well, we leave in just over one hour for chemo ... funny enough, I'm struggling with what to wear. It's a BEAUTIFUL day out ... and I suppose I should wear short sleeves so they can get to my IV, etc. I think they have blankets there for us to cuddle under in our Lazy Boys. I wish I would have loaded my Ipod with better stuff.

Jeff's making me steel cut oatmeal right now. I love the real stuff, the birds are singing, I've got a window cracked and I'm ready to get started.

I'm amazingly calm and the words from "How Great Thou Art" keep flowing through my head. With Jeff's mom and sister here last night; Grace running a fever most of yesterday hovering at 101; and a day full of really good meetings at work ... today has almost snuck up on me. I like the distractions.

So, the proverbial gun is about to go off ... and today will start the longest run of my life that I haven't really trained for, I don't know what the terrain will be and I have to realize that I don't need to finish first ... I just need to finish for the longest.

Stephanie has put together a calendar for us at http://www.carecalendar.org/, calendar code 13087 and generic code 1254. If you'd like to help out and bring a meal, take a kid for a day, etc. please go there. It should allow us to better orchestrate meals and so forth. They have been wonderful and a huge blessing.

So, as I leave for the day I'm thinking of this card someone sent ... no Scripture ... just a picture of a bulldog on a leash that says ... Ann (okay ... it was a different name but I like mine better) Ann was so tough, her poodle skirt had a bulldog on it ...just remember, you're tougher.

I hope so ... see you on the other side of chemo!

Love,

Ann

Why wait

2009-03-08T13:39:00.000-04:00

Not much to report of course ... I'm tired. Sleeping better but just fatigued ... and I haven't started the treatments yet.

It's beautiful weather here. The girls are playing outside and I've promised them a trip to go help me pick out wigs and hats. I think getting them involved will help us all. One of the nurses recommended letting them paint my head when my hair falls out ... I'm a little nervous about that.

Jeff and I brought down my "new" dishes today. MaryBeth helped me wash them. For nearly a year they've been in the attic while I waited to redo my kitchen and get a new dishwasher. Large, plain white and very simple -- nothing fancy. Why wait? As Jeff and I celebrate 14 years of marriage this week ... which means 14 years of using the same dinner dishes ... I think it's time to use the new ones ... even if the kitchen isn't perfect. Who knows ... maybe I'll eat dinner wearing that new dress that I've been saving for a special occasion.

It's been a great weekend, I watched Stephanie place 9th in her first marathon; Nancy, Jeff and I decorated Andrew's yard with nearly 50 pairs of used running shoes to celebrate his birthday; I took a nap in the backyard on a lounge chair and I celebrated our anniversary at Hayes Barton with a HUGE slice of coconut cake and a great dinner. And, the church program today keeps reminding me that HOPE: believing that something good can come out of something bad. So many of our friends hugged me at church today it was almost more than our wedding ...

Hope you all had a great weekend.

Love,
Ann

Chemo ... Delayed

2009-03-06T09:00:00.000-05:00

I was ready. I'm tired of dragging this out. But, the infusion specialist can't fit me in on Fridays right now. So, I'm starting on Tuesday and will do 3 treatments every other week and then switch to Thursdays and soon afterwards, going every Thursday. FUN. They confirmed the tests from Tuesday looked good. And, I've got two more sets of results from yesterday that are still pending ...

So, we sat for several hours learning about all the fun side effects and the various pills I'll be popping. Fatigue, nauseau, hair loss, dry skin, chemo brain (forgetfulness), mouth sores, etc. I can hardly wait. I guess I'll go shopping for hats, scarves and ... a wig.

Let's get it on already ...

On the bright side, I get to see my dear friend Steph run her first marathon (the Umstead) and party with her hubby as he turns 40 this weekend. And, Jeff's mom and sister are in town and so we can enjoy a visit with them in our 70 degree weather.

I know I'm way behind on email, returning phone calls and writing thank you notes. Please know that I've shed as many tears as being moved by the sentiments of our family and friends than I have over this diagnosis ... and those are tears of joy. For those, I am grateful.

Love,
Ann

Strep Throat

2009-03-04T12:53:00.000-05:00

Rose has strep throat. She's contagious for the next 24 hours. She's home from school today with Jeff. Grace's voice will be raw soon ... she hasn't quit talking. She loves it when she gets more attention. Jeff is sure he's getting it now ... and I'm going to try to avoid all of them.

The tests were big fun yesterday. Nancy, my running buddy, sat with me. She was very patient and accomodating, didn't complain once and talked about all sorts of fun things like surgical glue, running and knitting. It was like the Amazing Race through the hospital ... find radiology, find the mobile MRI, drink this magic potion, let us stick this in your arm, find a restroom, etc ...

Early indications are that everything came clean ... Praise the Lord ... no cancer in my abdomen, bones, pelvic, etc. At my final appointment of the day -- with my surgeon for a needle biopsy of my lymph nodes -- she pulled up all the results and let me know that things were looking good from the rest of the body perspective. We finally left the medical plaza at 2:00 yesterday famished but upbeat.

Tomorrow I go for "Chemo 101" to learn what to expect, etc. I'll get my official test results and I have another test of my resting heartbeat, etc. to evaluate my cardio I think. Best of all, I'm running with my buddies in the early a.m. with temperatures hovering at freezing and it could be the last run of the season at such cold temperatures. Or, maybe I'm just optimistic on a Wednesday!

Love to you all,
Ann

My Photo Sessions ...

2009-03-02T21:01:00.000-05:00

It's picture day for me ... it sounds so much more glamorous than saying I'm going to have my brain MRI, chest CT, abdomen CT and pelvis CT after drinking some fantastic concoction of radioactive dye. Then I'm doing a quick lunch with my driver, Nancy. And by 1:00 we'll head out for a fine needle aspiration of what I've come to visualize as a marble stuck in my armpit -- others refer to it as my growing lymph node. I feel like my right arm won't lie flat by my side anymore ... it's kind of uncomfortable with the swelling in my breast and my armpit.

My phone was a flurry of activity this morning with doctors, nurses and assistants calling to schedule all these tests. It makes me really nervous all of the sudden, like it's a race against the clock.

More people are finding out at work and I'm ready to just walk through the halls yelling it. It's difficult to say you're going to the doctor three days AGAIN this week without people raising an eyebrow. I just wish I had a better excuse to be missing all this work. The folks who do know have been great. I can't complain. It's just a stressful time.

It looks like I'll start chemo on Friday now and go every other week. I need to start shopping for a wig and an Easter bonnet.

So, here's my deep breath for the day. I had to go to work this morning despite our snowfall ... Jeff walked me down the hill to where he'd warmed the truck and it was beautiful. Everything was white and silent. The sky was this chalky gray color that defines smoky gray. It smelled fresh and clean, the trees have redbuds on them so there was snow covering this color and it was unbelievably still. We stood there admiring it. God creates such beautiful scenes for us and seldom do we appreciate what we have. And, I have to admit ... I wondered quietly ... will this be my last snowfall. I don't think it will be ... but I still wonder it sometimes.

This was on a card I received from an old friend today ...
"... It won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright!" 1 Corinthians 13:12
Here's to the brighter sun ...

Love,
Ann

Reality sinks in

2009-02-28T06:06:00.000-05:00

I've been up since 3:30 ... I've got to make a note to ask for a prescription for Ambien. I feel every tinge in my body and in the darkness and stillness of the night, I'm certain that its spread to my ovaries, my left shoulder, my hamstring ... my imagination takes over.

We met with our highly recommended oncologist last night ... for hours ... I'm swimming in data. I should make a note to take a statistician with me next time. And, next time is Tuesday. I'm trying to schedule an appointment with my surgeon for a fine needle aspiration of the nearly 2 cm swollen lymph node in my armpit. Then I'll go back to the oncologist for a bone scan to make sure it hasn't spread. I'll do blood work to test my genetics as well. Wednesday I will go to "Chemo for newbies" where I will learn that my hair will likely fall out on the 21st day ... by April 1st ... And, if all goes as planned ... on Thursday I will start chemo. Later, in the weeks to come, I will get a port inserted into my chest, additional tests done to test my resting cardio, etc.

Why am I doing chemo first you ask? It has several advantages. Survival rate is the same if you do chemo and then a mastectomy versus the traditional route. It gives the doc time to check your genetics, you see physically how the body and tumor responds to chemo, it gives less time with a prosthesis as well ... so going this route, I'll have a mastectomy in mid-summer instead of next week. You can bet your a$$ I will take my girls to the beach every chance I get ... even if I sit bald and puking under an awning watching them play in the sand.

The oncologist has been the first doc that has referenced death ... sure I know it's out there but it's slapping me in the face now. How could I leave my girls, my husband, my family ... like the country music song by Kenny Chesney says ... everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody want to go now. That's me ... I don't want to go yet.

For the first time ever I wish my running buddies were going at 6:30 on a Sat. I'd be there ... it's not raining yet. I don't know if I can make it 8 miles today. I'm dizzy from lack of sleep but I can hear birds chirping and the sun should be up soon ... it's tempting to try. The doc told me I can't run my half marathon in three weeks but I can WALK the Race for the Cure in June. I'll be running ...

Squeeze someone you love today.
Ann

Marketing Ourselves to the Healthcare Industry

2009-02-26T22:02:00.000-05:00

Jeff and I spent most of Wednesday on the phone. We talked to receptionists across town ... begging and pleading for appointments, faxing records, retrieving our mammogram images, etc. We played up my age (which I don't like to divulge) and tried to see if that would help. Mid-day, I spoke with my OB/GYN and felt great when he was familiar with my case via my surgeon and he immediately recommended the same oncologist that everyone else comes up with. UNC never returned our phone call, so we've kind of ruled them out.

My jaws hurt when I finally made it to KidStuf practice. (It's a kid-oriented program through our church where Jeff plays a fun-loving skateboarding teenager and I help out every so often with the Scripture.) He is playing his character Vinny this weekend, playing Gilligan in a dream. I am reading a lot of Scripture and telling the story of Paul and how he never gave up hope while being shipwrecked three times. It's very appropriate. The virtue for March is HOPE: Believing something good will come out of something bad.

We met with a second surgeon today. She took a lot of time to draw us out diagrams, explain the treatments and walk us through the options. She validated what we'd been told ... mastectomy, chemo, radiation and then reconstruction. I was really hoping that I'd be a candidate for immediate reconstruction but between the two surgeons and my limited amount of research ... I realize, I might not be.

Tomorrow we meet with the oncologist. I can't wait. I hope and pray we develop a plan by the time we leave his office.

We tried to tell the girls tonight. I don't think it sunk in. We explained that I will be going to the doctor a lot. That I'm sick but with a lot of medicine at the doctor that I'll get better but it will take a while. We told them they can help by throwing away their own tissues, washing their hands, covering their mouths when they cough, etc. Rose has a runny, runny nose right now. She was so sweet; when I tucked her in tonight I told her I hoped she felt better and she replied, "I hope you feel better soon too, mommy." I wanted to cry. Grace is drinking milk. She has drank more this week than in the last two years; it's called Silk. It's a soy milk ... but it's working. She drank a carton last week and was thrilled when we got her more tonight.

If you've called, emailed, etc. thank you. I may not have responded but I've read it or listened to the message and filed it away for a grey day when I need it. I just can't keep up with everything.

Hugs.
Ann

Step One ... What the heck is it?

2009-02-24T17:17:00.000-05:00

Well ... the day started with a 4.5 mile run or so and that was good. Nancy and Steph met me there. It was blustery (in the 20s) but a good stress relief. Since I'd been tossing and turning all night with kids in and out of our bed, it was good to get going.

Always wanting to be popular, I have the most popular kind of breast cancer. It's invasive ductal breast cancer with high grade DCIS. http://www.breastcancer.org/symptoms/types/idc/ If all the junk I'm reading on the Internet is right, its survival rates are admirable.

It's too soon to tell but it's probably stage 2 or 3. The tumor is at least 2.5 to 3 cm. It's my right side.

What's the next step? The board of docs at Rex recommended a mastectomy SOON and removing one swollen lymph node and testing others. And, then chemo ... followed by a helping of radiation ... and finally for the icing on the cake so to speak ... reconstruction in time for the holidays (and I don't mean Easter). This will be my 2009. I'm hoping for a better 2010 ... and many years to come ...

What are we doing now? I made a huge pot of vegetable soup, we've got a fire and a bottle of red wine. So, we're going to spend the night like we normally do. Maybe, we'll play a round of Go Fish or Crazy Eights. The girls are getting good at it and I've stopped crying when I lose. They don't know anything is going on yet ... although they are suspicious I think. They can sense the stress level ... but they're loving all the play dates.

I've called oncologists and specialists at UNC, Duke and Rex to make sure that I get a second opinion. I'm not going to "give up what I've got" until I make sure it's the right thing to do. But, I also understand ... the cancer is growing and spreading fast. I can see it changing my body. I know I have to act fast.

Thanks to everyone who's calling, sending cards, helping with our kids and praying for us. We appreciate it all. I don't feel alone in this ... I feel like an entire army is behind us. I still believe God has a plan for this, I have requested it and I'm sure it's just lost in the mail ... if you get it ... forward it to me.

Weekend

2009-02-23T09:12:00.000-05:00

Well, the weekend came and went ... we were so busy we couldn't really dwell on things. The Camdens had Christmas on Sunday without us. That hurt, we wanted to be there. They'd postponed their Christmas dinner and we still didn't make it two months later. We missed the Purdue/i.u. game. Purdue won and it was bitter cold up there ... my brother and sister helped make it into a party and a good friend took the girls for the afternoon so we could watch it without them. They had a blast although I'm nervous that she took them to Chapel Hill and they drank at the Old Well ... I hope that doesn't poison them against a good education ...

Sunday night we spent writing out questions ... we have six pages of handwritten questions for an oncologist, a surgeon, a radiologist, a plastic surgeon ... we've got questions and now all we need are answers.

We prayed a lot this weekend with friends and family ... I'm sure God has a plan. I've scoured my email inbox and haven't found it yet ... I hope it isn't stuck in my spam filter. Just kidding.