I've got a "regular" doctor appointment this morning and the anxiety is killing me. I don't know why. I should be healthy enough. But lately I wonder. My running is horrible and I'm having a difficult time keeping my breath, my energy is low and my chest hurts. I'm terrified that he's going to find something. I'm reading a book called AntiCancer and it focuses on diet and exercise and suddenly I realize there is so much more that I should be doing. It's not rocket science ... eat good and exercise for 30 minutes a day (which does not mean 10 mile runs every weekend ...)
Anyway ... I just needed to get that off my chest and admit that I'm still nervous. I wish all the angst could go away.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
Random Thoughts by an Overstressed Executive Mom
I have been sick this week. Not serious: just a head cold and it is certainly nothing out of the ordinary. I have a throat that feels like fire and a nose that is drippy at best. So, I went into the doctor on Tues. It's the first time I've been sick since chemo ended and admittedly it freaked me out. I just wasn't sure how my body would react. I'm a little worried about how my immune system was going to hold up. Fortunately, I mentioned it to the nurse and she had also fought breast cancer much of last year and been in a similar situation. She assured me that it was normal to panic a little. The doctor assured me I'd be fine with more fluids and rest ... so I slept some more. I feel a little better at the end of this week but I'm still exhausted. That could be that I'm watching basketball!
---
Jeff has started working again. It's a part-time contract position with the North Carolina Department of Agriculture. Ironically, it's been right at six years since he resigned to stay home with the girls. That was one of the best decisions we made. He is responsible for overseeing the execution of grants for the specialty crop block grant program. It's a lot of paperwork to which he is adapting. I am really proud of him for getting a job in an industry that we are both so passionate about, but it's also a strain on the family as we adjust to him having a more structured day and limited flexibility. We're all slowly stepping up some although you couldn't tell it from the five loads of laundry that we need to put away.
---
Grace is flourishing as a budding bookworm. She is really enjoying reading everything her eyes come across. This has huge ramifications for me as I often leave lists and documents around the house and now she can read much of it. She was quick to tell me that the dental hygienist called her "hysterical" and "cute as a button." She was so proud. I stifled a laugh when Jeff talked about her trip to the dentist, he mentioned that she was nearly in-hysterics when they tried to use fluoride on her teeth ... she would not let them. Hysterics and hysterical ... hate that I missed that adventure. I'm enjoying teaching her all the various definitions for various words ... like hysterical.
---
Rose continues to be a bundle of energy and full of life. She goes full throttle and wide open. Now that spring has arrived she is usually in the backyard and at night we are finding handfuls of leaves in her hair. She's started soccer and my only regret is that our yard is not more conducive to practicing the drills. She's extremely proud of a panda bear that she made at Build-A-Bear last weekend. She dressed Oreo, the panda, in a soccer outfit! I look forward to being a soccer mom, she really enjoys it.
---
In the morning, the girls and I are doing a three mile walk in Chapel Hill. It's for a non-profit group called "Get Real and Heel" that focuses on helping breast cancer patients recover through a five month intensive exercise and healthy lifestyle program. One of their staff has been helping me on the rare occasions that I make it inside the YMCA. It's an excellent program for survivors and I wish I lived close enough to take advantage of it. I'm signed up for several long distance races in the next few months and I'm struggling to run several times a week. We will be putting together a Race for the Cure team in the next few weeks so I'll be posting that information as soon as I have it.
That's the update at the Camden house. Oh, and we're watching basketball!!! Go Boilers! Beat Duke!
---
Jeff has started working again. It's a part-time contract position with the North Carolina Department of Agriculture. Ironically, it's been right at six years since he resigned to stay home with the girls. That was one of the best decisions we made. He is responsible for overseeing the execution of grants for the specialty crop block grant program. It's a lot of paperwork to which he is adapting. I am really proud of him for getting a job in an industry that we are both so passionate about, but it's also a strain on the family as we adjust to him having a more structured day and limited flexibility. We're all slowly stepping up some although you couldn't tell it from the five loads of laundry that we need to put away.
---
Grace is flourishing as a budding bookworm. She is really enjoying reading everything her eyes come across. This has huge ramifications for me as I often leave lists and documents around the house and now she can read much of it. She was quick to tell me that the dental hygienist called her "hysterical" and "cute as a button." She was so proud. I stifled a laugh when Jeff talked about her trip to the dentist, he mentioned that she was nearly in-hysterics when they tried to use fluoride on her teeth ... she would not let them. Hysterics and hysterical ... hate that I missed that adventure. I'm enjoying teaching her all the various definitions for various words ... like hysterical.
---
Rose continues to be a bundle of energy and full of life. She goes full throttle and wide open. Now that spring has arrived she is usually in the backyard and at night we are finding handfuls of leaves in her hair. She's started soccer and my only regret is that our yard is not more conducive to practicing the drills. She's extremely proud of a panda bear that she made at Build-A-Bear last weekend. She dressed Oreo, the panda, in a soccer outfit! I look forward to being a soccer mom, she really enjoys it.
---
In the morning, the girls and I are doing a three mile walk in Chapel Hill. It's for a non-profit group called "Get Real and Heel" that focuses on helping breast cancer patients recover through a five month intensive exercise and healthy lifestyle program. One of their staff has been helping me on the rare occasions that I make it inside the YMCA. It's an excellent program for survivors and I wish I lived close enough to take advantage of it. I'm signed up for several long distance races in the next few months and I'm struggling to run several times a week. We will be putting together a Race for the Cure team in the next few weeks so I'll be posting that information as soon as I have it.
That's the update at the Camden house. Oh, and we're watching basketball!!! Go Boilers! Beat Duke!
Thursday, March 4, 2010
God Called a Good One Home
This weekend we are grieving and struggling with death. On Monday morning, our good friend Gerry Reid was hit by a semi-truck on I-40. I could go into all the bizarre and ironic aspects of the story but I won't. I'll back up and remember that last Friday at our Life Group (through our church), of which Gerry was a huge part, the conversation was about God's will and how difficult it is to pray for that to be done. And this week as I've watched his wife handle his coma and a battery of tests that never seemed to go our way ... she is a living testament to God's will. Yesterday, Gerry went onto heaven. I like to think he is on a mission to scout out good bands for us to hear one day.
Gerry was an interesting guy with a great knack for story telling. He was an awesome dad and he loved his brothers -- loved to tell stories about his family. He always made you feel good when you were around him and people adored him. He was smart and down to earth. He was very genuine and curious about everything. He exposed his kids to all different kinds of adventures. In early February, he didn't hesitate when we called him to go to the rodeo. I told him we were trying to decide who would be crazy enough to go to "Bulls and Barrels" and we had a great time cheering for the cowboys. It was a hoot and a great blast of redneck thrown in.
Throughout my journey last year Mandy, his wife, sent me great notes of encouragement and brought us terrific homemade bread and Gerry filled my inbox with thoughts on diet and how it might affect my side effects of chemo and radiation. Just last week, we were having a great discussion about Michael Pollan and our own personal Food Rules. Here were the ones he sent me last week:
No processed\simple carbs (bread, pasta, french fries, potatoes) unless immediately after work out
Meat, beans, leaves and berries should be primary foods.
If it comes from a factory don't eat it.
Green tea and fish oil every day
Supps: Vit D, Resveratrol, Zinc, Magnesium, COQ10, Turmeric and a big fat multi-vitamin.
I make exceptions of course, especially for beer and chocolate.
In this last week, Gerry taught me a lot about life and gave me yet another huge reminder that life is a gift and you never know when it might be taken away. People keep asking what they can do and right now ... Mandy just needs some time alone but I keep thinking there must be something so here's my list:
-- Give blood
-- Sign your organ donor card
-- Squeeze your loved ones and tell them you love them
-- Write a will and talk with your spouse no matter how uncomfortable the conversation
-- Eat healthy and plan to live a long time
-- Enjoy every day and thank God for all your blessings
-- Be genuinely nice
-- Have Faith and pray
We're really going to miss Gerry and we ache for his wife and kids. They have an amazing support system of family and friends; but we know there is nothing that can replace the love of their husband and father. If you have any suggestions for how we can help them through this difficult time, please share them with us.
Hug somebody.
Gerry was an interesting guy with a great knack for story telling. He was an awesome dad and he loved his brothers -- loved to tell stories about his family. He always made you feel good when you were around him and people adored him. He was smart and down to earth. He was very genuine and curious about everything. He exposed his kids to all different kinds of adventures. In early February, he didn't hesitate when we called him to go to the rodeo. I told him we were trying to decide who would be crazy enough to go to "Bulls and Barrels" and we had a great time cheering for the cowboys. It was a hoot and a great blast of redneck thrown in.
Throughout my journey last year Mandy, his wife, sent me great notes of encouragement and brought us terrific homemade bread and Gerry filled my inbox with thoughts on diet and how it might affect my side effects of chemo and radiation. Just last week, we were having a great discussion about Michael Pollan and our own personal Food Rules. Here were the ones he sent me last week:
No processed\simple carbs (bread, pasta, french fries, potatoes) unless immediately after work out
Meat, beans, leaves and berries should be primary foods.
If it comes from a factory don't eat it.
Green tea and fish oil every day
Supps: Vit D, Resveratrol, Zinc, Magnesium, COQ10, Turmeric and a big fat multi-vitamin.
I make exceptions of course, especially for beer and chocolate.
In this last week, Gerry taught me a lot about life and gave me yet another huge reminder that life is a gift and you never know when it might be taken away. People keep asking what they can do and right now ... Mandy just needs some time alone but I keep thinking there must be something so here's my list:
-- Give blood
-- Sign your organ donor card
-- Squeeze your loved ones and tell them you love them
-- Write a will and talk with your spouse no matter how uncomfortable the conversation
-- Eat healthy and plan to live a long time
-- Enjoy every day and thank God for all your blessings
-- Be genuinely nice
-- Have Faith and pray
We're really going to miss Gerry and we ache for his wife and kids. They have an amazing support system of family and friends; but we know there is nothing that can replace the love of their husband and father. If you have any suggestions for how we can help them through this difficult time, please share them with us.
Hug somebody.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
365 Days Later ... God Heals
Today is my one year anniversary of being a survivor. In some ways a lot has changed in a year and in other ways ... not much has changed at all. I'm still waiting the final results of my tests that I had run on Monday and my stitches are still healing from having the port catheter removed on Thursday. As I reflect back on the year, I'm so very thankful for all the kind words of encouragement, the prayers, the baby-sitters, the meals and all the help you've given our family.
I was fortunate enough to take the entire day as a vacation day to just spend with Jeff and the girls. I started the morning with a short run. I've got a long way to go before my half marathon in May but it felt good to just run my own pace and "talk to God" along the way. I'm really thankful for the overwhelming sense of peace that I have as I move forward with life. Then I drove carpool where the topic for three kindergartners was everything from dinner choices, maiden names, heaven and whether cats could feel a shot from the veterinarian. All that in just 20 minutes of driving! It was a riot! Jeff and I went for massages which was just an awesome feeling to be warm and mellow. Then we did a little window shopping and a nice lunch of shrimp and grits. I made banana blueberry chocolate chip bread with Rose this afternoon while Grace went with Jeff and Pete (our cat) to the vet. It was great to just spend the day focused on the family and our everyday mundane tasks. It was a great way to celebrate this milestone.
I'm preparing to moderate an awareness event for a ministry called "Hangin' on Faith" (wwww.hanginonfaith.com) on Friday night and I've keep coming back to this poem as I consider my remarks. Indeed, God heals ...
God Heals -- Author Unknown
Remember when you heard the words -- and your mind went blank -- you were in another world.
God heals.
Remember in your darkest hours -- when all that surrounds you is pain and sorrow
God heals.
Remember friends' prayers - your family's encouragement = glimmers of hope from everyday angels
God heals.
Quite ... you can hear Him now always there -- yet never close
God heals.
It's just another day -- yet everything has changed -- and you hear yourself say
God heals.
Birds are singing -- the sky is a beautiful blue - flowers are blooming ...
God heals.
Truths that you knew as a child -- awakened again with new understanding
God heals.
Remember when others can't - that life is a gift - each day to treasure.
God heals.
Amen! Indeed, I have felt that healing presence throughout the year.
Here's to many more years!
I was fortunate enough to take the entire day as a vacation day to just spend with Jeff and the girls. I started the morning with a short run. I've got a long way to go before my half marathon in May but it felt good to just run my own pace and "talk to God" along the way. I'm really thankful for the overwhelming sense of peace that I have as I move forward with life. Then I drove carpool where the topic for three kindergartners was everything from dinner choices, maiden names, heaven and whether cats could feel a shot from the veterinarian. All that in just 20 minutes of driving! It was a riot! Jeff and I went for massages which was just an awesome feeling to be warm and mellow. Then we did a little window shopping and a nice lunch of shrimp and grits. I made banana blueberry chocolate chip bread with Rose this afternoon while Grace went with Jeff and Pete (our cat) to the vet. It was great to just spend the day focused on the family and our everyday mundane tasks. It was a great way to celebrate this milestone.
I'm preparing to moderate an awareness event for a ministry called "Hangin' on Faith" (wwww.hanginonfaith.com) on Friday night and I've keep coming back to this poem as I consider my remarks. Indeed, God heals ...
God Heals -- Author Unknown
Remember when you heard the words -- and your mind went blank -- you were in another world.
God heals.
Remember in your darkest hours -- when all that surrounds you is pain and sorrow
God heals.
Remember friends' prayers - your family's encouragement = glimmers of hope from everyday angels
God heals.
Quite ... you can hear Him now always there -- yet never close
God heals.
It's just another day -- yet everything has changed -- and you hear yourself say
God heals.
Birds are singing -- the sky is a beautiful blue - flowers are blooming ...
God heals.
Truths that you knew as a child -- awakened again with new understanding
God heals.
Remember when others can't - that life is a gift - each day to treasure.
God heals.
Amen! Indeed, I have felt that healing presence throughout the year.
Here's to many more years!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Close to the year anniversary
I spent most of Monday afternoon with Dr. Graham, my onocologist. It was a regularly scheduled meeting to review my test results and hopefully declare me "NED" No Evidence of Disease. Unfortunately, we didn't have all the tests done yet (nurses screwed up the diagnostics being ordered) so I go in on Monday for the chest scans, mammograms, etc. and then I'll have a few days before he calls me to declare me NED.
He did start me on hormone treatments (for the next five years) ... which is great timing. They are running Duke Childrens Hospital fund raising on the radio right now. I'm crying in my car constantly as I hear these poor families talk about what cancer has done to their children. I could give away everything I own listening to these gut wrenching stories.
Today I went to have my port removed. It was implanted in my chest last March. The procedure itself only took a half hour and I was awake. (Although whatever they gave me for my nerves kicked in and I slept until nearly four today ... I made Jeff stop for a sausage biscuit on the way home. I kept falling asleep eating it and it kept falling back into my lap as he drove me home. I was a mess.) We started our appointment fighting with insurance. We switched insurance companies in Dec. and these doctors didn't take my new one and we had to call and get a special waiver to make sure that our insurance will pay for 80% of it. In the end they agreed to it but it was so distracting and nerve-wracking as three nurses stood waiting to start the procedure until we could get our insurance figured out. Makes me really worried about what the future of health care will be. I could have opted to keep the port but I would have to be on a daily blood thinner. Ridiculous. Anyway, I'm awake now and in minmal pain.
The doc did approve my ski trip for the weekend although he did warn against carrying and lifting the girls. I agreed. So, we're heading to Ski Beech with two other families from our church this weekend. I've been looking forward to this for weeks and probably should go pack while the girls are at swimming practice.
Hope all you that are snowed in aren't going crazy!
He did start me on hormone treatments (for the next five years) ... which is great timing. They are running Duke Childrens Hospital fund raising on the radio right now. I'm crying in my car constantly as I hear these poor families talk about what cancer has done to their children. I could give away everything I own listening to these gut wrenching stories.
Today I went to have my port removed. It was implanted in my chest last March. The procedure itself only took a half hour and I was awake. (Although whatever they gave me for my nerves kicked in and I slept until nearly four today ... I made Jeff stop for a sausage biscuit on the way home. I kept falling asleep eating it and it kept falling back into my lap as he drove me home. I was a mess.) We started our appointment fighting with insurance. We switched insurance companies in Dec. and these doctors didn't take my new one and we had to call and get a special waiver to make sure that our insurance will pay for 80% of it. In the end they agreed to it but it was so distracting and nerve-wracking as three nurses stood waiting to start the procedure until we could get our insurance figured out. Makes me really worried about what the future of health care will be. I could have opted to keep the port but I would have to be on a daily blood thinner. Ridiculous. Anyway, I'm awake now and in minmal pain.
The doc did approve my ski trip for the weekend although he did warn against carrying and lifting the girls. I agreed. So, we're heading to Ski Beech with two other families from our church this weekend. I've been looking forward to this for weeks and probably should go pack while the girls are at swimming practice.
Hope all you that are snowed in aren't going crazy!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Fire on the Hill
We spent the weekend taking our clothes off and on ... nothing kinky mind you. Mittens. Scarves. Hats. Socks. Sweaters. If you like hard work, it was really wonderful. It was the fourth weekend in a row where we've just hung out at home all weekend. I spent a chunk of the weekend studying up on soybeans and never straying far from the fire.
And, when we did leave the house: we left it fast. Unlike most Southerners, we own five sleds. And, we've used them all. In fact, right now Jeff is sledding/walking the mile loop through the neighborhood on the runner sled. It's 9:00. At night. But the sledding is so invigorating and he won't get this opportunity tomorrow since I'm flying out of town and the girls are home from school. (Update: he just came back and reports it was the ride of his life and his longest run was at least a quarter mile long on the hills -- thank God he didn't meet a car.)
I spent much of the weekend in the kitchen, I tried to mimic the outstanding homemade yeast rolls and cinnamon buns that my mother made us as kids. My dinner rolls looked like small rocks but they had the yeast flavor I was craving. The cinnamon rolls this morning were pretty tasty so I think I redeemed myself.
It's funny ... between studying soybeans (my dad is a soybean farmer in Indiana) and thinking about all the great snow days we had with my mom ... I'm almost a little homesick.
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