Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Battle of the Brain

Before I tell my story, in my defense ... my arm hurt on Sunday morning before I left the house. It's probably no surprise that I've been called stubborn and hard headed. I'm sure it'll happen again. I'm sure I have a fair amount of self pride and yet at the same time, I'm very insecure about asking for help. It's easier to ask a friend to help than to approach a stranger. So, when it came to hoisting my bag into the overhead bin on an airplane earlier this week, I went against common sense, a vow to Jeff that I would ask for help and the advice of my oncologist -- I lifted the bag over the heads of several muscular and capable men.

I could see Jeff and Dr. G admonishing me before I even took my seat. My arm throbs and I'm struggling to hold my arm straight. Like I said, in all fairness to me, it hurt before I left on Sunday. I'd like to think that I'm going to learn from this ... but lets face it, I'm stubborn and when I travel next week I think I'll try to find a way to carry a super-small bag that will fit under the seat. Then I won't have to talk to a stranger. But this weekend, when I am thrilled to be going to the beach with my quilting girlfriends ... I will ask for help lugging my machine up the steps.

Meanwhile, I'm off to the radiologist tomorrow to try and make a mold so I can start my radiation next week. They are supposed to make a foam mold of me so I will lay in the same exact position for 33 treatments. I have to be able to hold my arm behind my head for about 15 minutes tomorrow. I'm nervous. I hate the changing of treatments. I feel like someone keeps moving my cheese. Not to mention the waiting room is in the basement of the hospital in the cancer ward. I feel sicker just parking the car.

I really thinking fighting cancer is mental. If I can just overcome my brain or lack thereof ... I can beat this thing if it doesn't break me first. I'm just tired of fighting.

God Bless,
Ann

Saturday, September 26, 2009

For I know the plan

Daily Bible Scripture - Jeremiah 29:11-13

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

It's late in the night/early in the morning and I'm struggling to escape the stress of change. And, I'm wondering why it matters. What's keeping me from sleep? from peace? If I really believe in God ... then I would believe he has a plan even when I don't like the plan I'm seeing. Even when it hurts just to look at what I know of my plan for the next few months at home, at work, at the radiologist office, at church ... so I wonder is it that I don't believe or do I not embrace change like I used to?

Someone is up going to the bathroom ... maybe I can talk them into snuggling mom back to sleep.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uhOJW4Uwy3c

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Flat on My Back

It's not always easy to decide when to call the doctor. I held out this weekend and I think I'm over the worst of it now on Sunday afternoon. On Friday, I had a Zometa infusion ... a drug that takes the calcium from my blood and pulls it into my bones. From all the drugs that I've taken and am about to take, I'm at high risk for osteopeina (a precursor to osteoporosis) and this should help guard against that as well as the cancer metastasizing in my bones. I'm supposed to do these treatments for three years every six months, I think. That will be too often.

I had the infusion first thing Friday morning and I was fine at work on Friday but by 10:00 that night my back was cramping and my feet were doing all sorts of kinky things with cramps. I took Tums, potassium, Ambien and finally pain killers left over from my surgery a few weeks back. Saturday I was on pain killers all day and night. I felt like my spine was concrete that was flaking into little bits and pieces. I had tears of pain and I don't often feel that way. I mentioned the Emergency Room to Jeff.

I did go out for a few hours to Yates Mill Pond, they had a big celebration and I wanted to do something fun with the girls this weekend. I thought I was going to pass out from pain the entire time I was there and I'm sure I looked stoned. We were looking for my friend Linda who makes a lot of their period costumes but unfortunately we missed her this weekend. We'll have to go back as I couldn't tolerate the mill tour and we left early. That's all I remember about Sat. Well, and playing Sudoku with Rose late in the night when she couldn't sleep and I was between pain killers.

The girls and Jeff are off at a birthday party that I really wanted to go to. Grace has made a friend at school and thinks the world of her. I wanted to meet her as Grace doesn't make friends easy. It was a tough decision to take Rose along as well. (The parents were kind enough to invite her as well when we called to RSVP.) Grace didn't really want Rose to go since it's sometimes hard to be visible when Rose is around. It just didn't seem fair to Rose to make her sit here on the couch with me all day on a beautiful afternoon. So, we decided she could go even if Grace didn't really want her there and we know they need their own friends. Fortunately Jeff called earlier and reported it was going well and Grace and friend were seen holding hands and picking pumpkins. Apparently there were pony rides as well.

I'm still fighting like a girl ... if you haven't seen this video or heard the song ... Fight Like a Girl ... it's worth a listen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wwtl_vKWdVs

So, please pray for relief from the suffering in my back and hips. I keep telling myself God has this plan and I'll be stronger for it but it's been really difficult this week as I see so much of the world progressing all around me and I so often feel like I'm just on the fringes of my own life. When I jump back in sometimes it feels like being on a merry-go-round and I can't make it to the middle where I'd be safer. Although I guess you could argue in the middle of the merry-go-round you really have no control ... and isn't that the truth.

God Bless,
Ann

Thursday, September 17, 2009

I'm Radioactive ... well, I will be ...

So I'm going to be radioactive 33 times but only for 15 seconds per treatment. We are advancing to the "final" stage of treatment -- radiology. And, I say "final" because in reality I actually will be in menopause and treating this with hormones for the next five years. I'll also be praying it doesn't come back and that I don't get lymphodema (swelling of the upper extremities/arm). Anyway, I'm working toward qualifying for radiation.

Why do I have to qualify? First I have to get my arm to move a lot better. I have a serious tendon that pops out if I put my arm up in the air and behind my head. I have to be able to hold it up and still long enough to make a mold of my body so I can lay absolutely still during radiation. And, I have to get another mammogram ... I think this will be my fifth one this year. This will be my baseline. And, I need a flu shot (you should too). The bad news of all this is that it's highly unprobable that I'll finish my treatments before Thanksgiving. I'm bummed.

So, I'm continuing to pray for patience and healing. I've been blessed in so many ways that even if I'm not finished with my regiment of treatments at Thanksgiving, I have so much to be grateful for and if you're reading this you're one of my blessings. Hope you have a great weekend.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

A few images of the "grown ups" in our house




Me in western North Carolina near Blowing Rock ... you could see only trees and Mother Nature both up and down the valley ... amazing. At the top is both Jeff and I together. Beyond the beauty of the mountains ... please note my crop of hair!

Not so pretty in pink

I've come to hate the color pink. I thought it was overwhelming that the girls love it so much ... but I'm definitely more of a red person. I'm lounging around the house today trying to get the swelling under my arm to ease. I feel like I'm holding a ping pong ball in my armpit. It's uncomfortable but not uncommon apparently. And, I'm decked out in a pink survior shirt and a pink sweatshirt with pink ribbon socks ... why couldn't they have chosen a more aggressive color -- like red. I love red.

When the alarm goes off in the morning it's back to work for me. I also need to work on getting back to the gym, out on the road and off the couch. There are so many rules in life ... floss, exfoliate, exercise, work hard, pray, love they neighbor ... how do we fit it all in?

Thanks for all the notes and prayers. I have several doctor appointments this week to get me all ready for radiation. I'm dreading the constant disruption of radiation. A daily trip to the doctor/hospital where I'll take it and having to schedule work and life around it sounds like a real inconveninece.

That's my update. I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself because Jeff and the girls (after sleeping in a tent in our backyard last night) are now closing down the pool for the last day that it's open this year. They have a whole different life that I'm not even a part of sometime. That's kind of lonely.

Ann

Friday, September 11, 2009

Tomorrow Turns to Yesterday

Jeff and I met with the oncologist on Thurs. and overall it was great. We all enjoyed our meeting and I can't say that very often. We laid out my next steps including hurdles and treatments over the next year. It involves a fair amount of monitoring, a couple shots for bone density, shots and pills to put me into menopause (think mood swings and hot flashes) and 33 radiation treatments that I'll be starting as soon as possible. I'll go daily for about 6.5 weeks and hope to be done by Thanksgiving. He was very pleased with my pathological response to the chemotherapy and is being presenting my case on the "Friday morning show." Before you start looking for it on your local cable, it's not the good kind of ABC/CBS/NBC morning shows ... but the gathering of 30 local doctors at Rex hospital who review various cancer cases and weigh in on treatment options, etc. My case was first presented in Feb. of this year and they recommended a mastectomy. But, due to my great response to chemo (which was only 50/50 due to me being estrogen receptor positive) ... I was able to get the lumpectomy last week. We talked a lot about my lymph node cancer cells as well but he was elated with the results and described it as finding flakes of cancer cells and described them as very tiny like salt and pepper. For the first time in MONTHS, we left feeling pretty good about everything.

I'm still really nervous about radiation. I HATED the doctor earlier this year but she's good and really has a pleasant bedside manner. She just scares me with her statistics of recurrence and death. I guess she plays a valid role and I'll be meeting with her next week. I can't start radiation until I can get my arm over my head (due to the surgery last week where they cut through the muscles in my armpit area). I've been working out ... trying to stretch and it hurts but I can get it about shoulder height but I can't sustain it yet.

But here's what is really on my mind, I've been listening to a Michael W. Smith song titled "How to Say Good-bye" and my favorite lyric includes the words "how quickly tomorrow can turn to yesterday." It's so easy to say we'll do things tomorrow until suddenly you run out of time. Like my cousin's fiancee. He was diagnosed with cancer last Nov. and I believe he had three different kinds. They were soft tissue (kidney, liver, esophagus, etc.) and that's a lot more serious than most breast cancer. He lives nearby. I kept meaning to go see him and to tell him how much I liked that spark in his eye and his smile -- I'm running out of time. I haven't spoken to him since Christmas when they called on my birthday and I spoke with him that night ... he was so jovial and kind that night. I cried when I hung up the phone because I knew of his diagnosis then and he is so young. I was mad that something so bad was happening to a really good guy. Anyway, my approach of "I'll do it tomorrow" is disappearing in the next few days. I've prayed for him over the course of the year but I wish I had gone to see him ... I regret that. Cancer sucks. Please if you're praying tonight, lift up Kenny and his family in your prayers.

So, that's the update from here. Please again, pray for Kenny. Pray for peace, comfort and God's Grace for all of his support crew. Thanks and God Bless.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

More good news

The surgeon called yesterday. I have clean margins in both the tumor tissue in the breast as well as in the lymph nodes. There were active cancer cells in the tumor material but if the pathology report is right then they got it all with a clean margin around the edges. Of the seven lymph nodes that she took, apparently after further investigation there were cancer cells in two of them but with all the nodes she took ... again it's clean margins. I think my mom summed it up well, "it's great news ... not excellent news."

I should be thrilled and jumping around with relief, but I'm still in a lot of pain and I'm remarkably nervous ... could it come back again soon? I'm wondering if there are little cancer cells that we didn't get and wondering should I have done the mastectomy. But, as every doctor told me ... don't look back. Make a decision and move forward iwth it. So, that's where I'm at now. I am trying to heal and move forward so I don't keep wondering about the "what if" scenarios. It's not as easy as I thought it would be.

That's all I know.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Two frogs and a spider

You know your kid loves you when she takes her ten cents from being good at school and buys two plastic frogs from the teachers treasure box to put in your bed. When you come home from surgery and crawl in bed and there is a red plastic frog on the alarm clock by the bed and a green one on the pillow (about the size of my palm)... you know it's her way of saying I thought of you. She could have bought snakes she has told me since but she knows I hate frogs. Since it was a weekend full of pranks to my siblings beds and cars, it was great to see Grace get in the spirit. I put a rat under her pillow for tonight.

Praise the Lord, the surgery on Monday went well. It was a long day with a lot of waiting and my arm is very sore. The sentinel node biopsy went exceptionally well with a 95% chance that there is no cancer in the lymph nodes. They took about seven or eight from what the doctor told Jeff and my mother. I am still waiting on the pathology report from the actual lumpectomy but I'm expecting good news there as well. I'm just waiting for the phone to ring.

I have one drain under my right arm and it drains into a little bottle the size of a running bottle that I keep pinned to my shirt. I'm still bandaged up pretty good and my shoulder, elbow, fingers, etc. on my right side throb. I'm taking a lot of pain killers and it hurts to use my hand/arm and until the drains come out I'm not supposed to do a lot.

Well, the pain killers are kicking in ... it's time for a nap. I hope Grace hasn't set out more critters for me to find.

Fondly,

Ann