The girls celebrated their six birthday this weekend. We took them out to a Japanese steakhouse and out to a cafe where they choose coconut cake to celebrate at home while watching Tinkerbell. So, they've been living on a sugar induced high for about 48 hours now and I'm not sure Grace will ever be the same. She ate less than one-quarter of a cupcake tonight saying she'd had too much frosting today. It's a miracle. Tomorrow, we're having a party with 20 of their friends at the Museum of Life and Sciences. I'm so proud of them -- we have a butterfly and caterpillar cake that I used my hidden cake decorating skills from 4-H to create; dinosaur themed decorations that were the closest thing to "real" animals that Grace could find at Party City, and glow-in-the dark trinkets that Rose choose for the goody bags. They have such vivid imaginations when you let them make their own choices. It doesn't bother them a bit that it seems like a very random collection. I can't wait. I'm more excited than they are.
Last night as I laid in bed I let my imagination go. My five year survival rate prognosis is good. The girls will be 11 years old in five years. They will really need a mother. But I wonder ... what are my chances of seeing their sweet 16 or their 30th? Realistically, I know each of us runs that risk, there are no guarantees in life.
But, I've been having a lot of headaches and last night it felt like someone was standing on my chest in hiking boots just swiveling back and forth from heel to toe. I laid there worrying about recurrence already. I'm not even done with treatments and I'm doing really well but cancer is taxing -- both physically and mentally. I find myself questioning every ache and pain and this weekend I have a lot of those. My back and neck are throbbing (so is Jeff's). My skin is beginning to feel like a marshmallow being roasted over a campfire, kind of crunchy with soft gooey stuff underneath. I'm flat out crispy in spots. Sometimes that soft, gooey stuff is my faith and hope, and it ebbs aways. I can't imagine fighting this disease without hope. Those are the darkest days. So, I try to imagine how much I'll love my daughters in another 5, 10 and 35 years. That's a much better scenario to imagine. If I can imagine it ... maybe I can make it happen.
... I have to capture something my little buddy Simon recently said. He's six too and his mother is my best friend. She sent me this email earlier this week and it made my eyes water:
"Last night the boys and I were having dinner and decided we should mention things we were thankful for that day. I was thankful for the opportunity to be at the boys' school yesterday. Stephen was thankful that we have good things to eat. Simon was thankful..."for after Thanksgiving." What? "Because then, Mom, Ann will be all done with her treatment for cancer."I hope you're right Simon ... FOR THE REST OF MY VERY LONG LIFE.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
NINE MORE TO GO
... I am exhausted and sore. My armpit is killing me. I look like someone chewed on my chest and spit me back out. Cotton and turtlenecks are my friend. Cashmere, wool and spandex feel like some type of slow moving torture.
And, I failed my potassium test again. Apparently my nurse laid into Jeff yesterday that I need to be taking those pills daily and not weekly. If I had four legs and a mane they may taste better but nothing makes me choke faster. I went to the grocery tonight and bought bananas. Maybe that will help.
I'm an aunt again. Collin William Gottbrath. I'm excited to meet him and thrilled for my brother and his fabulous wife! (On a personal note, I'll never get rid of all the little girl clothes accumulating in my attic.)
And, I failed my potassium test again. Apparently my nurse laid into Jeff yesterday that I need to be taking those pills daily and not weekly. If I had four legs and a mane they may taste better but nothing makes me choke faster. I went to the grocery tonight and bought bananas. Maybe that will help.
I'm an aunt again. Collin William Gottbrath. I'm excited to meet him and thrilled for my brother and his fabulous wife! (On a personal note, I'll never get rid of all the little girl clothes accumulating in my attic.)
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Caution Hormonal Swings Ahead
Tomorrow I start the "fourth" phase of my treatment ... I begin my hormone therapy. I'll be starting Lupron shots and will take them monthly for the next four months leading up to Tamoxifen which I will take daily for four years. My cancer feeds off of estrogen so these shots and subsequent pills are to keep my body from producing estrogen ... if I understand it all correctly.
I'm a little nervous. I've taken drugs like this before so the side effects aren't new to me. I'm anxious about being hormonal gut busting mood swings, gaining weight, retaining water and losing bone mass. I should be worried about a recurrence but surprisingily I still think God will use this somehow and that I have hope. As a friend just pointed out ... Jer 29:11 ... For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Anyway, my friend Stephanie is going to power through and drive me to all my appointments tomorrow. I'm relieved. These appointments are draining me. Tomorrow morning, I have an appointment for radiation, the radiologist and then move across town to the oncologist. Besides the energy it takes to go to all these, its mentally daunting ... I think Mrs. Ramos may finish radiation tomorrow. She's a Hispanic woman in her late 40s or so with a husband that fills the waiting room with smiles. She doesn't speak a lot of English but she fills the room with these huge smiles that shine through her eyes. I'm going to miss her during these next three weeks as I finish up and move onto the phase ... I wish I was the type who would fill a room with smiles ... but I don't think I am. I guess it's something to aspire to.
Ann
I'm a little nervous. I've taken drugs like this before so the side effects aren't new to me. I'm anxious about being hormonal gut busting mood swings, gaining weight, retaining water and losing bone mass. I should be worried about a recurrence but surprisingily I still think God will use this somehow and that I have hope. As a friend just pointed out ... Jer 29:11 ... For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Anyway, my friend Stephanie is going to power through and drive me to all my appointments tomorrow. I'm relieved. These appointments are draining me. Tomorrow morning, I have an appointment for radiation, the radiologist and then move across town to the oncologist. Besides the energy it takes to go to all these, its mentally daunting ... I think Mrs. Ramos may finish radiation tomorrow. She's a Hispanic woman in her late 40s or so with a husband that fills the waiting room with smiles. She doesn't speak a lot of English but she fills the room with these huge smiles that shine through her eyes. I'm going to miss her during these next three weeks as I finish up and move onto the phase ... I wish I was the type who would fill a room with smiles ... but I don't think I am. I guess it's something to aspire to.
Ann
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Fitting In
It's been a busy weekend. I went into it exhausted and I'm coming out the other side in even worst shape. It's like I can't get enough rest. I've turned pretty pink (another reason to hate the color pink) all over my chest, armpit and back. It's difficult to get comfortable. Jeff drove me to the doctor on Wednesday and Friday last week. I just didn't have the energy to drive, park and walk.
On Friday at radiation, there was an older lady (probably late 50's) who had a foot in an air cast and was using a crutch, with a bad wig that was slightly off center and a sad look to her. Her husband was with her and he was kind of shuffling along, avoiding eye contact with everyone. But the nurses drug her in from the hallway where she was heading out toward the elevator -- it was her final treatment. They presented her with a diploma and a Hawaiian lei. She looked like she wanted to crawl under the chairs. My eyes teared up. I was jealous that she's done but my heart broke to see the look in her eyes. She looked scared. Afraid. A lot of people say that finishing radiation is a big milestone because then you're done ... just turned loose again ... and the doctors are pretty much just waiting to see if you have a recurrence. That's a mental challenge I'm not looking forward to.
I went to two different school type functions on behalf of the girls this weekend. I was so tired that I didn't mingle much (not that I'm great at that anyway) but I just really felt awkward. Like a preteen girl with acne, a cowlick and braces at a dance in the cafeteria. I don't volunteer so I don't know any of the kids in the girls classes; I work more than full-time so I don't run into anyone at pick-up and I don't know the latest toys; and my free time is spent between doctors offices and my couch. I felt like such a heel, like I had nothing to contribute. I'm sure these other mothers think I'm a snob. I'm not. I'm just struggling to fit in. Sometimes I think I like going to work because I know where I fit in ... but even that is a struggle sometimes and right now that's a moving target.
When this "cancer thing" is over, I'm ready to figure out who I am, spend more time with my friends and family and really think things through. Who am I? Where do I fit in? What kind of legacy do I want to leave? How can God use me to do His will?
Make it a good week. The girls don't have school Wed, Thurs or Fri ... I'd love to take them somewhere but I can't get away from the doctor. Maybe the zoo if I have the energy.
On Friday at radiation, there was an older lady (probably late 50's) who had a foot in an air cast and was using a crutch, with a bad wig that was slightly off center and a sad look to her. Her husband was with her and he was kind of shuffling along, avoiding eye contact with everyone. But the nurses drug her in from the hallway where she was heading out toward the elevator -- it was her final treatment. They presented her with a diploma and a Hawaiian lei. She looked like she wanted to crawl under the chairs. My eyes teared up. I was jealous that she's done but my heart broke to see the look in her eyes. She looked scared. Afraid. A lot of people say that finishing radiation is a big milestone because then you're done ... just turned loose again ... and the doctors are pretty much just waiting to see if you have a recurrence. That's a mental challenge I'm not looking forward to.
I went to two different school type functions on behalf of the girls this weekend. I was so tired that I didn't mingle much (not that I'm great at that anyway) but I just really felt awkward. Like a preteen girl with acne, a cowlick and braces at a dance in the cafeteria. I don't volunteer so I don't know any of the kids in the girls classes; I work more than full-time so I don't run into anyone at pick-up and I don't know the latest toys; and my free time is spent between doctors offices and my couch. I felt like such a heel, like I had nothing to contribute. I'm sure these other mothers think I'm a snob. I'm not. I'm just struggling to fit in. Sometimes I think I like going to work because I know where I fit in ... but even that is a struggle sometimes and right now that's a moving target.
When this "cancer thing" is over, I'm ready to figure out who I am, spend more time with my friends and family and really think things through. Who am I? Where do I fit in? What kind of legacy do I want to leave? How can God use me to do His will?
Make it a good week. The girls don't have school Wed, Thurs or Fri ... I'd love to take them somewhere but I can't get away from the doctor. Maybe the zoo if I have the energy.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Dreary Weekend but Memorable
Radiaiton continues to go well. My chest is turning red and itches a lot. I'm using lotion by the gallon and other than feeling sticky, I'm not sure it's doing much but I'm trying to follow the doctors orders.
The girls have had a great Halloween weekend. Grace dressed as a maid servant. She was Cinderella before she became a princess. Rose was a snow princess, she wore a white cape that was covered in snowflake buttons. I'm most proud because I was able to make both costumes and they were original. It felt great to have enough energy to be able to make the costumes and be there with the girls to attend Falleluia (an annual event at our church) and Trick or Treat. I even won homemade pumpkin bars at the cake walk! It was a great weekend to add to the girls childhood memories. I wonder if they'll even remember their costumes in ten years.
This morning my friend Nancy and I volunteered at the City of Oaks Marathon. It was a driving hard, cold rain and I felt for the folks who were running it, including several good friends. I looked in the eyes of all these runners who were fighting so hard to keep going (I was at the 8.5 mile mark where they turned around for the half or kept trudging out for the full). It reminded me of this year and what a struggle each of us faces. Everyone has their dragons to slay, their burdens to carry. I'm sure each of the runners today made memories they will never forget.
Jeff's parents have been here visiting this week. Jeff's dad hasn't made it down this year and he's been thrilled to have them here. They are working on a huge doll house that has sat idle in our garage for more than a year. I have no doubt that many hours will be spent playing this beautiful, homemade masterpiece over the next few years. I know when I look at my doll house I remember all the great times I had playing with my sister. Unforgettable.
I have treatment number 19 tomorrow morning. If I counted correctly, I may finish the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. I'm trying not to get my hopes up ... but how can I not?
The girls have had a great Halloween weekend. Grace dressed as a maid servant. She was Cinderella before she became a princess. Rose was a snow princess, she wore a white cape that was covered in snowflake buttons. I'm most proud because I was able to make both costumes and they were original. It felt great to have enough energy to be able to make the costumes and be there with the girls to attend Falleluia (an annual event at our church) and Trick or Treat. I even won homemade pumpkin bars at the cake walk! It was a great weekend to add to the girls childhood memories. I wonder if they'll even remember their costumes in ten years.
This morning my friend Nancy and I volunteered at the City of Oaks Marathon. It was a driving hard, cold rain and I felt for the folks who were running it, including several good friends. I looked in the eyes of all these runners who were fighting so hard to keep going (I was at the 8.5 mile mark where they turned around for the half or kept trudging out for the full). It reminded me of this year and what a struggle each of us faces. Everyone has their dragons to slay, their burdens to carry. I'm sure each of the runners today made memories they will never forget.
Jeff's parents have been here visiting this week. Jeff's dad hasn't made it down this year and he's been thrilled to have them here. They are working on a huge doll house that has sat idle in our garage for more than a year. I have no doubt that many hours will be spent playing this beautiful, homemade masterpiece over the next few years. I know when I look at my doll house I remember all the great times I had playing with my sister. Unforgettable.
I have treatment number 19 tomorrow morning. If I counted correctly, I may finish the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. I'm trying not to get my hopes up ... but how can I not?
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