I'm not sure if it was my medication or just stress from a very busy personal and professional week, but Thursday was tough. I had really bad vertigo with the room swinging from side to side, words on a page jumping around and total exhaustion. It certainly didn't help that I just can't seem to sleep a lot. At first I thought it was because I took my Benadryl too early in the morning and on an empty stomach. I have to take it before chemo and it seemed to kick the world off it's axis. Even this morning, Sat, I'm still having episodes where the world just isn't straight and steady. It's annoying.
My Physician's Assistant measured the mass again on Thurs. or at least she tried to. It's difficult to determine where the mass stops and the scar tissue starts. That's a good thing in that it's shrunk a lot. She really encouraged us to start thinking ahead to the end of July and what surgery options we may prefer. I was hoping for MRI results before we make that final decision. While my oncologist is known for his breast conservation, I still struggle with the thought of it coming back and lean towards total annihilation which brings up a whole host of other issues. She asked our preference and my preference is to never have cancer again. I don't ever want to go through this again. She sent us home with a stack of green papers to read about reconstruction options. I wonder now if that's a sign ... I have a lot of praying to do, I just wonder if I'm being still enough to hear the answers.
As much as I'm ready for chemo to end ... I'm especially nervous and anxious about August and the choices we'll make, the surgery I'll have and the girls starting school all at the same time -- separated for the first time ever. And, work is picking up momentum on a few special projects I'm working on ... I'd like to be able to close the deal on a few of those irons in the fire if I could just get more hours in a week.
For now, I'm going to celebrate that I get a week reprieve from chemo and hopefully the sweet corn is ready in the Midwest. We're all ready for a change of scenery.
Ann
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
It Probably Needs a Visual
It was a busy weekend but I finally followed through on a promise to the girls ... we painted my head on Father's Day. Initially, the idea was that painting would help the girls better relate to me and it wouldn't be so scary to see their mom without any hair. In reality, they haven't missed a beat and have never been scared of me and my lack of hair. Of course, I've never truly lost all my hair. It's been the same length since the woman shaved it for me in mid-March. There were a few patches that fell out completely but all in all, I've always had some fuzz. With five more chemo treatments left, it seems that my hair is growing some and if we were going to paint my head ... we had to get it done. While it hasn't freaked me out not having hair, I can assure you that I wouldn't shave it just to let the girls paint my scalp. Long term I can assume that the girls won't remember when in the cycle of treatments that we painted my head but they will remember (and have plenty of photos to refresh their memories) the opportunity they had. They painted flowers, hearts, triangles and their names on my head. They were so gentle and loving, very carefully approaching me and laughing like they were getting away with something. There were a lot of giggles and kisses along the way. I highly recommend it. I'm not sure that it makes cancer any less scary for them and maybe they won't remember it all ... but I'll never forget it.
I'm not a real "physical" person and I haven't always appreciated the love demonstrated in human touch but the painting of my head was one of the most loving and gentle demonstrations of unconditional love that I've experienced lately. I'm so glad I did it.
Despite how glamourous I may make it sound -- cancer sucks. The irony of my hair starting to grow right now ... my eyelashes are falling out. I only have three or four on each eye. Freaky. Frustrating.
Hope you have a colorful week (and for those of you who are curious, I have hesitated publishing these photos ...)!
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Chemo ... the end of a very quiet week
Chemo today went fine. As I listened to two other women detail all their nasty side effects I had to thank God that I have been so lucky. There were no measurements today ... next week. And, the best news of all ... I am in the home stretch with only 5 more infusions. And, the icing on the cake ... no Procrit shot today. My red blood cells looked good so I didn't get an injection in my belly. I've never been big on shots that feel like fire going in and like you've been hit by a line drive softball for days afterwards. I'm thrilled to be nearly done and while I appreciate my nurses, etc. I'm ready to find better ways to spend a Thursday.
Jeff has driven to Hardy, Va to fetch the girls from my Aunt Becky's house. They've been there since Sunday. I understand she's running out of food because Grace is always asking for seconds. I'm wondering what she served them ... I heard the words "Lucky Charms" for breakfast. I used to spend a week with the Vernons when I was a kid and I'm thrilled they got the same opportunity. It was always a memorable time playing in their huge backyard, helping in the garden and riding on the boat. It's been very quiet here. Jeff and I have enjoyed it and gone out to dinner twice and a movie.
That's the update from here. My friend Paul from high school is coming to dinner tomorrow night. I'm reading The Shack and finding it a very unique perspective on religion. I hope to sew a little this weekend, swim a little and of course REST. Most important, I plan to celebrate Fathers Day with the girls and Jeff.
Have a great weekend.
Jeff has driven to Hardy, Va to fetch the girls from my Aunt Becky's house. They've been there since Sunday. I understand she's running out of food because Grace is always asking for seconds. I'm wondering what she served them ... I heard the words "Lucky Charms" for breakfast. I used to spend a week with the Vernons when I was a kid and I'm thrilled they got the same opportunity. It was always a memorable time playing in their huge backyard, helping in the garden and riding on the boat. It's been very quiet here. Jeff and I have enjoyed it and gone out to dinner twice and a movie.
That's the update from here. My friend Paul from high school is coming to dinner tomorrow night. I'm reading The Shack and finding it a very unique perspective on religion. I hope to sew a little this weekend, swim a little and of course REST. Most important, I plan to celebrate Fathers Day with the girls and Jeff.
Have a great weekend.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Crazy Good Fun ... Followed by Extreme Quiet (it's long)
A year ago, I would call this a race report. As runners from the Y, many of us recap our runs and send out reports of the weather, course, nutrition, etc. So, here is my race report from the Race for the Cure. Yesterday was wonderful. The Race for the Cure was overwhelming in a word. I had lots of fans there ... maybe 40-50 that I saw. My parents flew in from Indiana, my brother from Norfolk, Jeff's family surprised us and drove in on Fri. night from northern Indiana, friends I haven't seen in months, numerous colleagues, friends from Asbury UMC, quilters, runners from the Y ... it was a diverse crowd that I'm thrilled to call my support group. Normally I run this race so it was an insult to see the times I was posting as I walked. I was surprised by how thrilled I was to stop in the shade every so often to wait for one of our girls or play in a sprinkler. I was really disappointed I wasn't able to keep up with family and friends ... but by mile 2 finishing became all that mattered. And, I've heard that there were new friendships struck as my friends and family made new acquaintances.
One of my running pals, Courtney, came walking the course back towards me at about 2.5 miles and I was thrilled to see her. She told me everyone was waiting at the corner and that really moved me. I'm crying just thinking about everyone in Ann's Fans shirts standing there in the sweltering sun waiting for me to catch up. My mom, my sister, my aunts, some of my coworkers ... they waited for me. That really touched me. I wish I had something more profound to say ... but it really tugged at my heart. I have seldom felt such love from so many people. As we finished the race together ... a large group of us ... there was another crowd of Ann's Fans waiting at the finishing line and cheering loudly as they called my name as a "survivor." I wiped away more tears.
Throughout the day several strangers congratulated me on being a survivor and other survivors gave me words of encouragement. It was kind of awkward but comforting -- all at the same time. I participated in the survivors parade. That was odd ... as I looked around ... I didn't want to be there. I'm not sure I'll do it again. As I stood there listening to the speakers, I wished I could take off sprinting the greenway back toward the art museum, its one of my favorite runs. I wanted the ground to swallow me. I wanted to be home. Don't misunderstand: I want to be a survivor ... but I don't want cancer to define me. I don't want to always be thought of as a cancer patient/survivor. I'm sure the other ladies in pink survivor shirts don't want it to define them either ... the whole thing just seemed awkward so I slipped out of the crowd and walked back to my group where I really wanted to collapse in Jeff's arms in the shade and have a good cry. Instead, we walked to the car.
The Ann's Fans team came away with hardware! We were the largest team under the "Family and Friends" category. And, our clever rock-themed t-shirts that were designed by a local creative agency was recognized as "Most Creative" t-shirt. Thanks to many of you who read this for coming out and supporting our team or making a donation. I couldn't be more proud but I'm not sure I want to do it every year.
Afterwards, we had an awesome post pool party. I thought I was going to lose my lunch as Rose jumped off the high dive. That scared me as a mother. I was proud and concerned. She looked so small suspended up there in air. She barely hesitated. I used to love the high dive and I could understand her enthusiasm. I tried it once yesterday ... got a bloody nose. Grace was busy racing her aunts/uncles in relay contests. She stuck to the slide and talking smack about her swimming stroke.
After all the activity the last few days, the family in town, the heat, the physical demands ... I have done nothing today. It has truly been a day of rest. Jeff spent the day fishing off the coast (although I've heard I shouldn't count on a fish dinner). The girls have gone to my aunt's house for a few days and I have spent the entire Sunday watching television, reading, napping and a little quilting.
As I sign off, I'll post this ... Bernadene (Jeff's sister) recently sent me a card that had this very appropriate verse ... "I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you." John 14:18. (Ironically, she then came to the very race she was sending me a card wishing me luck at.) Each of you has brought me comfort during this fight and I thank you for that. It may sound corny, but God must have been there walking with us yesterday. How else could someone feel such reassuring love?
Have a great week.
One of my running pals, Courtney, came walking the course back towards me at about 2.5 miles and I was thrilled to see her. She told me everyone was waiting at the corner and that really moved me. I'm crying just thinking about everyone in Ann's Fans shirts standing there in the sweltering sun waiting for me to catch up. My mom, my sister, my aunts, some of my coworkers ... they waited for me. That really touched me. I wish I had something more profound to say ... but it really tugged at my heart. I have seldom felt such love from so many people. As we finished the race together ... a large group of us ... there was another crowd of Ann's Fans waiting at the finishing line and cheering loudly as they called my name as a "survivor." I wiped away more tears.
Throughout the day several strangers congratulated me on being a survivor and other survivors gave me words of encouragement. It was kind of awkward but comforting -- all at the same time. I participated in the survivors parade. That was odd ... as I looked around ... I didn't want to be there. I'm not sure I'll do it again. As I stood there listening to the speakers, I wished I could take off sprinting the greenway back toward the art museum, its one of my favorite runs. I wanted the ground to swallow me. I wanted to be home. Don't misunderstand: I want to be a survivor ... but I don't want cancer to define me. I don't want to always be thought of as a cancer patient/survivor. I'm sure the other ladies in pink survivor shirts don't want it to define them either ... the whole thing just seemed awkward so I slipped out of the crowd and walked back to my group where I really wanted to collapse in Jeff's arms in the shade and have a good cry. Instead, we walked to the car.
The Ann's Fans team came away with hardware! We were the largest team under the "Family and Friends" category. And, our clever rock-themed t-shirts that were designed by a local creative agency was recognized as "Most Creative" t-shirt. Thanks to many of you who read this for coming out and supporting our team or making a donation. I couldn't be more proud but I'm not sure I want to do it every year.
Afterwards, we had an awesome post pool party. I thought I was going to lose my lunch as Rose jumped off the high dive. That scared me as a mother. I was proud and concerned. She looked so small suspended up there in air. She barely hesitated. I used to love the high dive and I could understand her enthusiasm. I tried it once yesterday ... got a bloody nose. Grace was busy racing her aunts/uncles in relay contests. She stuck to the slide and talking smack about her swimming stroke.
After all the activity the last few days, the family in town, the heat, the physical demands ... I have done nothing today. It has truly been a day of rest. Jeff spent the day fishing off the coast (although I've heard I shouldn't count on a fish dinner). The girls have gone to my aunt's house for a few days and I have spent the entire Sunday watching television, reading, napping and a little quilting.
As I sign off, I'll post this ... Bernadene (Jeff's sister) recently sent me a card that had this very appropriate verse ... "I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you." John 14:18. (Ironically, she then came to the very race she was sending me a card wishing me luck at.) Each of you has brought me comfort during this fight and I thank you for that. It may sound corny, but God must have been there walking with us yesterday. How else could someone feel such reassuring love?
Have a great week.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Soreness, Shopping and Self Pity
My muscles were pretty sore Friday night. I lifted weights and walked on Fri. and I think that contributed. It was the first full Friday that I've worked in months and it felt good to really feel like I contributed at work last week. There is a lot going on right now and I want to do my share, pull my weight, etc. But, by Fri. night I felt like I had a bad case of whiplash and the flu all mixed together. Even my chubby cheeks ached. And, the doctor called to prescribe another pill ... for potassium. It's huge and chalky. I'll be eating more bananas and spinach.
Sat. I went shopping with Rebecca ... funny story ... I was trying on hats at Macy's and I wanted to see what they looked like without my wig so I mention it to Becca who puffs up like a sister protecting her sister and says, "I dare anyone to say anything to you." I knew then I was safe ... she would protect me from any store clerks gone mad. So, I slipped the wig off, stashed it in my shopping bag and started trying on hats in my bald state. Red, black, white, pink ... anything cooler than the wig. The clerk watching over the area was wide-eyed but didn't say a word as I tried on all my hats, then put back on my wig and came over to pay. She never made eye contact. I would have never done it alone ... thanks Rebecca.
I'm sad and disheartened to think I have 7 more weeks of chemo. Suddenly it seems like it is dragging. I'm trying to stay positive but I'm tired. I've been reading about Job and David in the Bible and how long they suffered and how patient they were ... I'm running out of steam. I'm sure it wasn't any easier back then and I'm just feeling sorry for myself. But, I want my life back.
Ann -- is it over yet -- Camden
Sat. I went shopping with Rebecca ... funny story ... I was trying on hats at Macy's and I wanted to see what they looked like without my wig so I mention it to Becca who puffs up like a sister protecting her sister and says, "I dare anyone to say anything to you." I knew then I was safe ... she would protect me from any store clerks gone mad. So, I slipped the wig off, stashed it in my shopping bag and started trying on hats in my bald state. Red, black, white, pink ... anything cooler than the wig. The clerk watching over the area was wide-eyed but didn't say a word as I tried on all my hats, then put back on my wig and came over to pay. She never made eye contact. I would have never done it alone ... thanks Rebecca.
I'm sad and disheartened to think I have 7 more weeks of chemo. Suddenly it seems like it is dragging. I'm trying to stay positive but I'm tired. I've been reading about Job and David in the Bible and how long they suffered and how patient they were ... I'm running out of steam. I'm sure it wasn't any easier back then and I'm just feeling sorry for myself. But, I want my life back.
Ann -- is it over yet -- Camden
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Holding Steady at Mile Five ... Seven to Go
Well, nothing as exciting as last week. Of course, I didn't get an "official" measurement today so nothing to report there. The treatment was status quo and my red blood cells were borderline on whether I needed the Procrit but I got it just to raise my red blood cells. I'm struggling with the shot glass full of red wine each day ... you would think I could handle that. It just sounds horrible which is not my usual perspective on red wine, or white wine, or anything with alcohol in it really. In really wacky news, I had thrush on my tongue this week ... it kind of looked like the fungus that grows on mulch after a hard rain. Brown, thin and crusty ... apparently, it's relatively common with a weakened immune system. That night Jeff kissed me on the forehead that night. It looked pretty bad but went away quickly.
My long time friend Kathy took me to chemo today which was a huge treat. She is a two time survivor, 10 and 6 years. It was fun to talk about all the changes in treatments since her breast cancer diagnosis 10 years ago. We talked a lot about mastectomies and the decisions that Jeff and I will face in August. Her mastectomy became a big topic here on Sun. night when the girls realized that Kathy had breast cancer and a prosthesis in her swim suit. We had a big discussion about how loveable and great Kathy is and that it doesn't really matter what's under someones shirt. The girls asked a lot of questions. I tried to compare it to taking out a really bad splinter ... but I didn't want to terrify them and scare the girls into thinking that I will cut off their toe with scissors the next time they play outside without shoes on.
In a case of good news/bad news, I found out tonight that I will not be running the New York City Marathon in early Nov. I signed up right after I found out I had cancer planning to defer to next year if I was lucky enough to get in. I'll have to play the lottery again next year and so will Nancy. Darn our luck, I bet hotel rooms in NY will be down in price with this bad economy. (Yes, I do know that there is NO WAY I could run it yet this year.) I did have a great and very inspiring meeting with a doctor who runs a program that specializes in cancer and exercise. He runs a program for men and women who are finished with treatment but he helped me map out some reasonable goals that won't wear on my body but help me to maintain my muscle and just continue to keep a decent cardio base. I needed those positive words from "someone in the know". I'm going to do very light weights this weekend with one of the other executives from the program who can offer a lot of guidance. She is working on becoming a personal trainer specifically for cancer patients -- although she uses much fancier words.
And, we're starting to distribute the t-shirts and race packets for Ann's Fans. (My sister made us tie all the Race for the Cure shirts very fancy.) The shirts look great and we've raised more than $11,000. If you're local, I'll be calling you this weekend to find you. If you'll be getting it via the mail, you've got a few days yet.
Love to you all,
Ann -- not running NYC -- survivor
My long time friend Kathy took me to chemo today which was a huge treat. She is a two time survivor, 10 and 6 years. It was fun to talk about all the changes in treatments since her breast cancer diagnosis 10 years ago. We talked a lot about mastectomies and the decisions that Jeff and I will face in August. Her mastectomy became a big topic here on Sun. night when the girls realized that Kathy had breast cancer and a prosthesis in her swim suit. We had a big discussion about how loveable and great Kathy is and that it doesn't really matter what's under someones shirt. The girls asked a lot of questions. I tried to compare it to taking out a really bad splinter ... but I didn't want to terrify them and scare the girls into thinking that I will cut off their toe with scissors the next time they play outside without shoes on.
In a case of good news/bad news, I found out tonight that I will not be running the New York City Marathon in early Nov. I signed up right after I found out I had cancer planning to defer to next year if I was lucky enough to get in. I'll have to play the lottery again next year and so will Nancy. Darn our luck, I bet hotel rooms in NY will be down in price with this bad economy. (Yes, I do know that there is NO WAY I could run it yet this year.) I did have a great and very inspiring meeting with a doctor who runs a program that specializes in cancer and exercise. He runs a program for men and women who are finished with treatment but he helped me map out some reasonable goals that won't wear on my body but help me to maintain my muscle and just continue to keep a decent cardio base. I needed those positive words from "someone in the know". I'm going to do very light weights this weekend with one of the other executives from the program who can offer a lot of guidance. She is working on becoming a personal trainer specifically for cancer patients -- although she uses much fancier words.
And, we're starting to distribute the t-shirts and race packets for Ann's Fans. (My sister made us tie all the Race for the Cure shirts very fancy.) The shirts look great and we've raised more than $11,000. If you're local, I'll be calling you this weekend to find you. If you'll be getting it via the mail, you've got a few days yet.
Love to you all,
Ann -- not running NYC -- survivor
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