Getting Old or Getting Rest

Cancer is getting old. I'm tired. I failed the blood test AGAIN. So ... I had to get a steroid shot. You're probably thinking, "why is she bitching about a little shot?" It's not the shot. I'm fine with those shots. But, I have to go back again on Monday to see if I'll need ANOTHER transfusion ... which means I have to reschedule meetings in the morning. Every time I seem to make progress in getting a glimmer of my life back, I have to reschedule everything for a doctors appointment or maybe a nap. I just want my life back.

• I'm tired of hearing I should rest more but not let cancer run my life.
• I'm sick of reading that I should exercise but getting shin splints after a decent length walk.
• I hate not having any hair. My wig itches after 8 hours and I feel like a freak. I just want to yell at strangers that I didn't always look like this. I was normal.
• I know I should eat healthy ... but lets look at the facts ... it hasn't really helped me much so far.
• I detest taking pills ... about five every night and the same again in the morning, plus the shot Jeff gives me nightly.
• I don't understand how I can feel pretty good but still be classified as anemic.

So, what am I going to do since Jeff is out playing softball tonight and I'm home alone?

• I'm going to clean my bedroom ... I need somewhere clean to be with everything in place.
• It may take all night, but I'm going to drink a glass of wine.
• I will review the more than 100 cards I have received. I kept them all because they give me encouragement and some are butt splitting funny. :)
• I will call my mom to vent.
• I'll say an extra prayer.
• And, I will rest so that I will have enough energy to go to the Ham and Yam Festival on Sat. night to hear the Little River Band.

I know a lot of people may be shocked to read this post tonight because I've been pretty strong and a lot of you have comment on that. Maybe it is the weight of a long work week, the lack of red blood cells, Rose losing two teeth this week, Grace being jealous of it, my friends getting to run the Indy mini without me ... I'm off kilter. Anyway, I'm weak tonight so please keep me in your prayers.

Ann

Sleeping My Life Away/ Race for the Cure

Well, the weekend came and went and I stayed away from the computer ... mainly because I slept much of the weekend. It was hot and nasty. I made it to watch little sister do a triathlon and that was enough of a workout for me, after that I slept much of Saturday afternoon. She did great by the way ... she and Jeff took the girls strawberry picking in the afternoon and I slept through that too.

Backing up a bit, Jeff and I went to see the genetic counselor on Friday. For those of you on Facebook, you may have seen that he slept in the waiting room while we waited. I did not. I usually try to have a nonchalant attitude that "whatever will be, will be ..." but I was nervous. If I carried the BRACA gene, it means a much more aggressive battle. Fortunately, I don't have it. I do not have breast cancer because of the genes that they have identified with modern science. This is a huge sigh of relief. I was worried about having a potential double mastectomy (and who knows ...) as well as possibly losing my ovaries. But, without having the genetic marker, I'm just battling the cancer I have now and not a looming possibility of more (even though the rationale part of me knows that a chance still exists). So, for me ... I'm very optimistic. This is good news.

A friend of mine goes in for a mastectomy tomorrow. I really don't know how she does it. She's extremely strong and if she's reading this I hope she knows I'm praying for her. I don't know how they get patients in the door, I will need a team of mules to drag me in that door.

Speaking of teams, we have a Race for the Cure team. It's called "Ann's Fans" here in the June 13th Race for the Cure ... my office is very generously offering t-shirts for all who want one for an extra $10 donation to the Komen Race for the Cure. Just a little tangent, I've done this race for years because of the spiritual force of a friend that I call Kathy Wood ... last year was probably the first year in 10 years that I didn't run the race ... coincidence ... I wonder? It's a great race and always chokes me up to see the women in pink, I never thought I'd have a pink t-shirt of my own ... Although I have said my goal is to be able to physically run it and that's accurate, I want to be in good enough shape to run it, I'll be walking it with my support crew led by my husband and two five year olds, so please join us if you can. It's a good cause.

http://race.komennctriangle.org/site/TR/Race/General?team_id=21701&pg=team&fr_id=1070&et=vXE6FAodpxye7GzRlMwINA..&s_tafId=14320

This Concludes the First Phase of Chemo

I survived the first round of chemo. Four nasty treatments and one blood transfusion later ... I am moving onto weekly treatments of Taxol. I have 12 of these to go and will start in two weeks.

Skipping backward, the transfusion was a non-event EXCEPT they didn't tell me it would take me 3 hours per bag of blood. I couldn't understand why Rosa -- my nurse -- kept asking for my lunch order. I let her know I had other plans for lunch, I was on my way to work. She looked confused. I was quickly informed that I needed to pick either a sandwich or a hot lunch ... I went for chicken fingers, salad and red Jello. And, from my corner room with no real windows although there was a nice flat screen TV, I sat and worked, slept and watched a movie from 8:00 until 4:00.

Jeff was there for most of it but Grace had a performance at ballet and it's important to keep them on track as much as possible so he went to get the girls. That's when my blood pressure plummeted. I did a quick prayer, "God, he will never trust me alone again ... lets find the problem quickly." It must have been a fluke. We switched arms and moved the cuff around and soon we had a more normal 102. Even the nurse looked shocked when it hit 85.

By the way, I'm A- ... I have type A tendencies but I'm working hard on a positive (still sarcastic) attitude and cancer is helping that ... seriously. Anyway, I wonder if the A- is a sign. I hope you were able to give blood or consider it the next time it comes your way. You can't really give blood to me ... but there is a big need for it out there.

Chemo went well today. My sister took me. The cyst is shrinking some and softening. It's at 3.5 x 4 cm. Taxol should continue to shrink it and then before we do surgery, we'll do another MRI.

It's a busy week ... Jeff and I meet with the genetics counselor in the afternoon tomorrow.

Pray for strength for me. My devotional continues to feed my spiritual side ... "... your strength will equal your days ... The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms." Deuteronomy 33:25-27. Those words used to be something that others might need ... but now I feel the strength equals my days as I employ "listening to my body" and scheduled rest stops along life.

It looks like a great weekend in Indiana and North Carolina this weekend. The weather is finally getting better. I hope you get out and enjoy it. Jeff is enjoying it, probably a Cheeseburger in Paradise and perhaps a margarita at the Jimmy Buffett concert tonight. I'm sad I can't be there but I'm not moping. I know over the many years I've worked that I've traveled and seen a lot of awesome things that he hasn't been able to share. And, marriage is about sacrifices and putting one before the other ... so I'm resolved that tonight is one of his nights and I hope he has a great time that he can remember in its entirety. And after that, I just pray he comes home safely and showers in the guest room before he gets within five feet of me.

I killed the polka dot background. It was wreaking havoc on my nausea.

Ann

Renew My Life: Give Blood

People are always asking ... what can I do to help? And so many people have baby-sat, brought dinners, sent cards, offered prayers, arranged house cleaning, brought books, sent flowers and gifts ... we're extremely humbled and blessed. But ... if you're still asking ... give blood.

I have to get a blood transfusion tomorrow ... two units ... and I'm terrified. The whole concept freaks me out and scares me. To think: someone elses blood will be in me. This time tomorrow night, I'll be part someone else. (I wonder if I'll suddenly like salmon, enjoy coffee?)I've given blood before and I know a lot of people can't donate blood. And, I know I'm fortunate that the blood bank has blood for me to take. After all, I'm not an emergency. I can live without it. Nonetheless, I hope and pray the blood is clean and well scrubbed. So if you're still asking for what you can do: consider donating blood so that someone like me can get a good nights sleep without worrying.

And, from Psalm 119: "renew my life according to Your word ... renew my life in Your righteousness ... My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise renews my life ... He satisfies my desires with good things, so that my youth is renewed like the eagle's." David wrote these words in various spots throughout Psalm 119 ... so many times God gave him a new lease on life and I'm hopeful this transfusion will be a new lease for me as well. This passage was in my devotional I read every night and I didn't understand it at first ... but today I find hope in it, that it will bring me a new lease as well. God's promise renews my spirits every time.

And, that's my ramblings for today ...
Ann

Blessings Abound ... No Optical Illusions There

We continue to be blessed. We had a spectacular weekend and even managed a date on Saturday afternoon. Jeff and I headed to the art museum for a relatively clean environment (not much to touch there) to check out the American Collection. We devoured a great brunch of a smoked trout salad and shrimp and brie crepes and polished it off with strawberry/rhubarb crumble ... spring is here. Strawberries and asparagus. Yummy.

After that ... my stomach has been pretty upset this weekend but I managed two, two mile walks. The fresh air did me good. All day on Sunday, my back has spasms every time I get up or down from a chair. Once I'm moving, I do really well. I have three different doctor appointments this week and its my last round of this kind of treatment ... I'm already starting to worry about the next drug ... Taxol. I'm trying not to complain.

The highlight of the weekend was a complete surprise as highlighted in the photo (that's me in the scarf). We've been blessed in so many ways during the last two months and this weekend was no exception. I hosted my quilt group, Galloping Horses, on Sat. night. Many of us have been getting together for nearly nine years and it's a group of nine to ten women from all sorts of backgrounds. They presented me with a beautiful queen size coverlet to snuggle up in. It's a pattern that I've always wanted to make but is probably beyond my skills and patience. In case the picture doesn't show up, it's a beautiful red and white pattern that is all squares and rectangles that are arranged in such a pattern that they create an optical illusion of circles or waves of color. It's breathtaking. I can't believe they set aside their own projects and really devoted some quality time to pull together something so spectacular in just under two months. I was speechless. Quilting is great ... you can take small scraps of fabric and create something beautiful, warm and unique but it takes a lot of love, patience and hard work and for that I am forever grateful to all nine of the women who worked on this quilt. I love you all ... thank you. I'm still speechless when I look at it. (The picture does not do it justice.)

Hope you all have a good week.

Ann

Is spring coming?

Well, I was below average on my blood test yesterday across the board. So, I got another shot of Procrit ... which isn't working yet ... in my opinion. I go back for yet a second booster shot on Monday and meanwhile, we continue on with steroid shots nightly.

The girls are handling this really well. I am the recipient of many hand made drawings and there is always a little hesitation before they squeeze me to make sure they don't hit my port. Today I came home at lunch for a nap and they covered me up with my Snugi and Rose covered herself with a doll blanket and laid on the other chair whistling quietly. (For those of you who know Grace ... she was still eating ... slowly ... and talking ...)

I also made it out for a walk this morning with my girl pals, Steph and Nancy. We made it about 3 miles. It just felt great to be outside in fresh air and just talk about everything yet nothing in particular. They are both training for half marathons so I really appreciated them slowing to a walk for me. I don't think I can do it again tomorrow but I'm going to try a short run on Sat. (Only if I feel up to it Mom, I swear I won't push it).

Thanks for all your prayers ... and Kara if you're reading this ... thanks for the Australian chocolates. I'll eat them after the girls go to bed!

Ann

Just can't wake up

Monday was a drag. I couldn't stay awake and had waves of pain and nausea most of the day ... needless to say I didn't go to work. Even climbing the stairs was a chore and nothing I ate tasted normal, good or even palatable.

Yesterday cancer got to me ... I was mad and depressed. Today I managed to make it to work and after a few hours of normalcy, I felt much better and rallied this evening to help make dinner and go for a quick walk around our very big block.

My devotional last night was on "Be not afraid." I think yesterday I was truly afraid and needed to hear this message. So many times in the Bible it tells us not to be afraid ... yet it's so easy to be terrified of the many unkowns.

I go back to the doctor again tomorrow thanks to Jeff. He's a great nursemaid. He called and told my nurse that I'm struggling and barely getting by ... so I am going to get another steroid booster shot in the morning to help boost my energy level. It's sad ... I'm looking forward to it. I'm way to stubborn to admit I need help sometimes ... I guess that is where we balance each other out. I don't know where I'd be without him.

Happy Easter

It was a beautiful day ... from my vantage point on the couch with my eyes closed. Jeff's brother and his wife, along with their daughter and a teenage friend visited with us this weekend. That was great and another positive from having cancer, we probably wouldn't have got to spend that time with them without this diagnosis. And, they were a huge help ... decorating cakes, playing with the girls, making the lunch and dying eggs. It was a lot of fun and the girls especially loved the attention.

Chemo on Thursday went well. Friday, the girls were at the zoo all day, Jeff was volunteering at the church. I tried to rest. I watched a movie. I just moved a lot and I've paid for it on Sat. and Sun. I'm exhausted. I can hardly keep my eyes open and I feel bruised all over. I joke that I have bed sores on my shoulders from all my napping. I'm having a difficult time finding anything I want to drink ... suddenly everything has too much sugar. How could that happen?

While it is Easter and there are so many great Scriptures to reflect upon ... I'm looking at a card that has a quote from Emerson ... "Adopt the pace of nature; her secret is patience."

Happy Easter Everyone

Chemo ... Round Three

It seems like so much more. It's been a busy week again. Wed. night we hosted our friend from college, Joe Hoff. It was great to visit with him and remember some old time and fantasize about new trips to take.

The girls were off to doughnut day and playing with friends and didn't even miss us. The tumor shrank another centimeter. My blood counts passed ... but I'm fighting anemia. The nurse recommended a few ounces of red wine. I like her. Between the four anti nausea medicines I take, I don't have much of a life in the afternoon. I was asleep. I did make it out of Danny's Barbecue on my own two feet. I slept the way home and afternoon. I did manage to walk about 1/2 mile yesterday afternoon down to the dam at our lake.

The girls are at the zoo today and I'm checked my current email at work and feel comfortable it's time for a nap. As soon as I get Jeff properly on target for his honey do list.

Jeff's brother and his wife and family are coming for the Easter weekend. Stupid me let Rose tear up a piece of packing foam in the playroom ... so we have some last minute high volume vacuuming to do. But, I did finally get the Christmas stuff out of the living room. So, I'm calling it progress.

Posted a family photo from this fall. I hope to take Easter photos of all of us in our polka dots. Happy Easter to everyone. Please take time and remember that God sent his only son as a sacrifice to us ... what have we done to make a sacrifice for him?

Saving Second Base

Several people have asked about our t-shirts ... here they are at their debut on March 18. Nancy found them -- probably at Cafe Press. It's hard to read but below the "softballs" it says Save Second Base. Nancy is on the left and Steph is on the right. (This is before my haircut(s)).

And, I didn't pass the blood test again this morning ... this time I was given EPO. Long word for the steroid all the professional cyclists use. So, I've given up the dream of winning the Tour de France this summer. I'm a "doper" in the world of cycling. Seriously, it should give me more energy and help my blood cell count.

My head/hair hurts. It feels like someone is yanking it out.

My prayer for the day:

"... it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright!"

1 Corinthians 13:12

Actually ... cancer sucks

I've spent most of the last 45 minutes in the shower cleaning the stubble off of me ... not a crew cut now. Much of it came off in the shower and I assume the rest will follow in the next 48 hours. It was like I couldn't get all the little micro hairs off of me. Disgusting. Humiliating. Humbling.

Just when you think you're standing tall ... cancer knocks you in the knees. It sucks.

But, as I just reminded a friend who has far bigger hurdles than me ... we will survive and prosper throughout all of this and God will be with us. But ... being in the deep end of the sea and with shaky confidence in your swimming ability ... well, that sucks.

As Trace Atkins just said on the CMA's ... "You're gonna miss this ..." I will miss hair and it will be really hard to look in the mirror. I'm gonna miss my hair.

Ann

Bring It ...

If this is chemo, I can survive it. Since my last post, I've been pretty healthy. Other than going to bed pretty early most nights and several naps this weekend, I've been very, very lucky. Last week I managed to lift weights and do a short 3 mile run on Sat. It was slow and painful but I made it through it and rewarded myself by an extra hill just to admire the azaleas on the next street over. The weekend was beautiful and I admired my grandmother's peonies which are coming up all over my front yard, my hostas and the thick layer of yellow pollen everywhere.

I do get mouth sores right toward the end of my vacation and just prior to my next treatment. So, my friends from church hooked me up with Biotene mouthwash, toohpaste and gum. It's not my "regular" flavors ... but I'm thrilled and have been using it all weekend. And, last night I tried some "homemade" mouth soothe and seal that was given to me by a good friend. It's supposed to seal over the canker sores. I nearly glued my mouth shut. I figured several people reading this will break into my home to apply it liberally ... it did cure the sores.

My hair is a big question from everyone ... it's still there but is definitely coming out. For the most part it looks like a very close crew cut. I'm getting used to the stares and second looks in public if I wear a scarf or bandana and it's tough but I'm walking on into the gym or the hardware store ... even work on Friday, I wore scarves in the morning. The wig is nice, it just itches some by evening.

I go in for routine bloodwork in the morning and I'm praying that white blood cells will be high this time. Last time I was anemic and the booster shot caused a lot of skeletal pain. I have a full three days of work and life before my next treatment so I'm hopeful my naps and rest this weekend will help me "make the grade."

Have a great week!
Ann