It's been a busy weekend. I went into it exhausted and I'm coming out the other side in even worst shape. It's like I can't get enough rest. I've turned pretty pink (another reason to hate the color pink) all over my chest, armpit and back. It's difficult to get comfortable. Jeff drove me to the doctor on Wednesday and Friday last week. I just didn't have the energy to drive, park and walk.
On Friday at radiation, there was an older lady (probably late 50's) who had a foot in an air cast and was using a crutch, with a bad wig that was slightly off center and a sad look to her. Her husband was with her and he was kind of shuffling along, avoiding eye contact with everyone. But the nurses drug her in from the hallway where she was heading out toward the elevator -- it was her final treatment. They presented her with a diploma and a Hawaiian lei. She looked like she wanted to crawl under the chairs. My eyes teared up. I was jealous that she's done but my heart broke to see the look in her eyes. She looked scared. Afraid. A lot of people say that finishing radiation is a big milestone because then you're done ... just turned loose again ... and the doctors are pretty much just waiting to see if you have a recurrence. That's a mental challenge I'm not looking forward to.
I went to two different school type functions on behalf of the girls this weekend. I was so tired that I didn't mingle much (not that I'm great at that anyway) but I just really felt awkward. Like a preteen girl with acne, a cowlick and braces at a dance in the cafeteria. I don't volunteer so I don't know any of the kids in the girls classes; I work more than full-time so I don't run into anyone at pick-up and I don't know the latest toys; and my free time is spent between doctors offices and my couch. I felt like such a heel, like I had nothing to contribute. I'm sure these other mothers think I'm a snob. I'm not. I'm just struggling to fit in. Sometimes I think I like going to work because I know where I fit in ... but even that is a struggle sometimes and right now that's a moving target.
When this "cancer thing" is over, I'm ready to figure out who I am, spend more time with my friends and family and really think things through. Who am I? Where do I fit in? What kind of legacy do I want to leave? How can God use me to do His will?
Make it a good week. The girls don't have school Wed, Thurs or Fri ... I'd love to take them somewhere but I can't get away from the doctor. Maybe the zoo if I have the energy.
Oh my gosh, I don't have cancer and I am still trying to figure out... Who am I? Where do I fit in? What kind of legacy can I leave and how can God use me to do His will?
ReplyDeleteI know that you will find a way to take this experience, as difficult & awful as it was, to use to God's glory. Never forget that you are an amazing woman and you have so much to give. Just your story in your blog has been a blessing to me and others. Be sure to save it, so you can remember God's promises and how your faith helped you through all of this.
Tim and I miss you guys and hope that we can get together soon....Love ya, Margaret
Mrs. Camden,
ReplyDeleteWe pray for you and your family on almost a daily basis in our family devotion time. May the Lord continue to give you the strength you need to get through this walk. Someone shared this quote with me...and I really loved it! :) I thought I would share it with you:) "Life is not about getting through the storm, but rather learning how to DANCE in the RAIN..." I hope you continue dance:) I love you very much and your entire family. You all are such a blessing in my life:) Thanks for all the good times and memories! :) I look forward to seeing you all on Sunday night! :)