I've been up since 3:30 ... I've got to make a note to ask for a prescription for Ambien. I feel every tinge in my body and in the darkness and stillness of the night, I'm certain that its spread to my ovaries, my left shoulder, my hamstring ... my imagination takes over.
We met with our highly recommended oncologist last night ... for hours ... I'm swimming in data. I should make a note to take a statistician with me next time. And, next time is Tuesday. I'm trying to schedule an appointment with my surgeon for a fine needle aspiration of the nearly 2 cm swollen lymph node in my armpit. Then I'll go back to the oncologist for a bone scan to make sure it hasn't spread. I'll do blood work to test my genetics as well. Wednesday I will go to "Chemo for newbies" where I will learn that my hair will likely fall out on the 21st day ... by April 1st ... And, if all goes as planned ... on Thursday I will start chemo. Later, in the weeks to come, I will get a port inserted into my chest, additional tests done to test my resting cardio, etc.
Why am I doing chemo first you ask? It has several advantages. Survival rate is the same if you do chemo and then a mastectomy versus the traditional route. It gives the doc time to check your genetics, you see physically how the body and tumor responds to chemo, it gives less time with a prosthesis as well ... so going this route, I'll have a mastectomy in mid-summer instead of next week. You can bet your a$$ I will take my girls to the beach every chance I get ... even if I sit bald and puking under an awning watching them play in the sand.
The oncologist has been the first doc that has referenced death ... sure I know it's out there but it's slapping me in the face now. How could I leave my girls, my husband, my family ... like the country music song by Kenny Chesney says ... everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody want to go now. That's me ... I don't want to go yet.
For the first time ever I wish my running buddies were going at 6:30 on a Sat. I'd be there ... it's not raining yet. I don't know if I can make it 8 miles today. I'm dizzy from lack of sleep but I can hear birds chirping and the sun should be up soon ... it's tempting to try. The doc told me I can't run my half marathon in three weeks but I can WALK the Race for the Cure in June. I'll be running ...
Squeeze someone you love today.
Ann
Wow!! That's really a gut wrencher! I hope you got a chance to do your run and dance in the sun and enjoy your blueberry coffeecake. Lots of hugs--love, dad
ReplyDeleteSending hugs and prayers your way! I'm so glad you have a strong faith. I'm sending this from an old devotional: Sometimes life doesn't go like we want it to. How can we worship God when things are hard and seem so wrong? Sometimes our hard times are complex and drawn out. But no matter what we're going through, God is always working for the good of those who love Him" (Romans 8:28). Giving God our lives during hard times means trusting that He's working for good no matter what -- or walking through the process with Him until He brings us to the point where we can believe that. That means being where we are with Him -crying, mourning, even being angry, and discussing with Him. "Be a rock of refuge for me, where I can always go... For you are my hope, Lord God" (Psalm 71: 3,5) Call or email me if there's something I can do to help you, Jeff, or the girls. I'm sure Benny would love to play! God Bless! Cousin T
ReplyDelete6:30? You should of called. I would of been there at any hour to run! I do still feel a bit like a drown rat after the rainy run this morning.
ReplyDeleteRemember that book you gave me to read? Even when you do start going through all the therapy and stuff, we are still going to get you out!
love from your running buddy
Nancy
I'm with Nancy; you should have called us. I was up. It wasn't even raining then. We are available to run, or walk, any amount of mileage you are up for, anytime. Next time we'll sit outside in your driveway and blow the horn...don't make us do that.
ReplyDeleteI know who I'll be squeezing later today--I'm lucky to be nearby. It's hard not to be afraid. Thanks for sharing the plan and how you are feeling with us.
Love you!
Steph
Don't even think the "D" word. Remember what they told Kathy when she was diagnosed with a brain tumor. You are too strong & determined to ever let that happen.
ReplyDeleteHey, I can't run anymore but I love to go for long walks. Linda & I sometimes walk around Lynn Lake and talk about whatever is going on in our lives. I would love to walk with you some time.
Sent you guys an email about taking the girls to the zoo some time in March...did you get it?
Love ya, Margaret