Struggling with New Reality

I haven't posted in a few days because I can't think of anything nice to say. Tonight my blog is an outlet. Writing is very relaxing for me ... hitting publish is the stressful point. Regardless of all that, I'm in a horrible mood and home alone. I'm fighting low grade fevers and everyone has upset me. As my mom used to say, I am mad at the world. She's right. For example, my hair is growing back gray. I know it ... I certainly don't need to hear it again. In all fairness I haven't heard that my hair is gray today but I'm still pissed about hearing it yesterday.

So, you may guess that I'm really struggling the last few days. Chemo hit me harder than I thought it might. I expected to breeze through the last month but frankly, I'm a basket case. Muscle fatigue and overall exhaustion set back in and couple it with a lack of a plan for moving forward and I am a hormonal nut job. There is no clear definition in my next steps ... and mentally I am wigging out. On top of that, it's a very stressful week at work ... (I know some people think I shouldn't be working but the reality is that I like my job and we really need the income) ... I just don't know where to turn. It's often easier to open up with a keyboard or an ink pen than it is with a "true" conversation.

Want another example? Yesterday with my sister (who is probably going to kill me for writing this) we discussed drains and fluids that will come after surgery ... it was a very casual conversation for everyone in the room but ME. I just wanted to vomit. This is my breast we're talking about ... not an optional surgery. It's cancer. I couldn't decide if I should cry or puke and in the end I just sat there looking at the crack on the ceiling hoping that proverbial hole would open in the ground and swallow me up.

I suppose I should get down on my hands and knees and pray. It just isn't coming. I'm mad and upset and I don't really know where to turn. I have stacks of cards from many of you telling me how strong I am and offering Scripture ... and the last few days that just isn't working. My eyes are blurry and I should be reviewing a PPT for a presentation I need to give tomorrow but my heart just isn't in it.

So, that's the raw form of me these last few days. I'm going through the motions. With any luck if you run into me tomorrow, you won't notice anything different or out of the ordinary ... I'll give you a smile and tell you "I'm hanging in there." And I am. I have to hang in there. No one else can do it for me.

That's the update ... in a rare glimpse of a very brutally honest me. Raw and uncensored. Hormonal and feverish. Grey but growing.

Ann "self-abosrbed" Camden