This second treatment has definitely knocked me back some ...although I've been pretty busy with a business trip to Greensboro that went great. It kept my mind busy and had me thinking about the future ... 2010 and 2011. My client was thoughtful enough to get me a special, comfortable chair for the long hours we sat in meetings and we had a good, quick dinner with a fantastic dessert (that I didn't share) and I went back to my hotel and watched my favorite Monday night line up.
I go in tomorrow for my third treatment of Taxol and my Dad (aka groovy grandpa) is going with me. We have an early treatment at 8:00 followed at mid-day by the girls graduating from preschool. I hope I recover from the two Benadryl I have to take first thing in the morning ... that usually puts me into a shady fog.
Sitting here tonight, I think preschool graduation -- complete with gowns -- is over the top. Seriously, how much of an achievement can this be? They can color, write their names, use scissors and sing a lot of silly songs ... and administrators somewhere think this deserves a parade of 5 year olds in robes? I don't get it. But, tomorrow when I'm sobbing as I realize that my five year olds are growing up fast and some days I'm not much of a mother to them ... that will get me. It will strike me that if I don't kick this cancer right now and beat this disease ... My five year survival rate is good, even admirable ... but that doesn't even get me to middle school graduation. I am suddenly afraid I may not see their high school graduation and this may be all I have. Two little girls in matching polka dot dresses with bangs that need cut, front teeth that are missing, small, bright orange sunshine tattoos on their forearms and wobbly in their shoes ... what if this is the only time I see them walk across that stage and get a diploma? I try not to look at things like this too often ... death can happen to anyone at anytime ... but the unknown nags at the back of your mind from some small dark crevice. I think it's a hidden side effect of cancer. Grace told me to video tape graduation so we can watch it again. We definitely will, Grace ... we will.
"As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you." Isaiah 66:13 ... Oh how I am glad I have the Lord to comfort me because now that I'm on the train of thought about living to graduation, my worries are taking over ... I need to go, sit and listen to the Lord ... for no one else can comfort me.
Good night. ... only one more week for online sign-ups for the Race for the Cure and Ann's Fans. Join us if you can and if you've already signed up ... thank you very much!
I wish I had called you last night. I figured you were sleeping, but clearly you were not.
ReplyDeleteA good friend of mine told me a few weeks ago that you, Ann Camden, became a survivor the day you were diagnosed, and that it is important for you to know how much that matters. Every day counts, and you live your life as if they do. He is a survivor too, as are many of your friends. You have to believe that you will survive a lot more than five years. We are here for you, and love you very much.
You are now a 3+ month survivor and I believe you will survive to see elementary, middle, and high school graduation, and beyond.
ReplyDeleteNone of us knows what the future holds, but cancer must bring those thoughts to the surface more often. Sometimes you need to pause and engage them for a short time before you push them back into the recesses of your brain.
So, use those thoughts today to help you savor those gowns, cheesy smiles, and proud faces. Allow them to help you fully absorb the sweetness of the moment of this day. Then, as Kay Yow suggests, "swish and get out." Go on living and surviving and one day you will realize that five years, and many more, have passed. You are a survivor, Ann, today and every day into the future.
I love you.
Steph
I second that...well I guess I third the posts above, HAHA!
ReplyDeleteYou are a survivor already. Those girls have the best mom around and they know it:) They love you dearly. No other graduation will be quite as cute. Those adorable cheesey smiles are the best. You are awesome Ann. Lots of love your way!